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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cannot cope with DH debt problems

22 replies

Bobby2013 · 31/08/2016 15:17

Long story short - DH has debt problems from before we met. I've asked him over the last four years to sort it out - instead he kept making minimum payments. Now his business has dried up and he's got zero money coming in. I'm paying everything. Had he tackled this when I asked him to it would not be the mess it is now. I feel sick constantly with worry as I work freelance, so never know when invoices will be paid. Has anyone else got experience of this? What did you do?

OP posts:

JigglypuffsCaptor · 31/08/2016 15:19

I think its time to have the discussion about DH possibly taking a hit to his credit report by entertaining the thought of a IVA or debt relief order. It's not permanent damage, it will heal, and will reduce family financial hardship.

If he had dealt with it originally he wouldn't be staring down this loaded barrel, but it is what it is. Something has to give.

fusspot66 · 31/08/2016 15:23

When you marry someone, their debt becomes your debt. Do you love him enough to stay married to him? Will his debts become worse? Will it cost you your business /your home. Is he a gambler?

adora1 · 31/08/2016 15:30

Ridiculous way to behave as an adult, he either sorts it out now or you should leave him, why should you shoulder his crap from before you even met him, disgusting and he's happy to sponge off you, mad on your behalf OP.

He can easily go and sort it out tomorrow with an IVA or whatever it is called and pay his debt, they can write some of it off too but he needs to go to CAB to get advice on how to do it.

Original poster

Bobby2013 · 31/08/2016 15:35

It's all business debt not gambling thankfully. He's looking into ways to sort it out, speaking with a debt charity. The problem is that in the meantime we're living hand to mouth - and it's this insecurity of not knowing if next month's rent will be paid that is making me ill. Plus, he's in a foul mood all the time, and I'm so anxious that I just want to cry all the time. I have never been in debt, but I've had to apply for a credit card for emergency use so now because of him, my finances are screwed. When we got married he was earning enough to pay off the debt, but this year the work dried up. I just feel so resentful that he didn't listen to me when I asked him several times to tackle it. There's always been this issue in our relationship - and it's corrosive. I don't know how I feel about him - we have a child so I cannot just up and leave him. Just need to get through this mess but feel like it will never end.

OP posts:

adora1 · 31/08/2016 15:42

Yes you can leave, even with a child, you have every reason to.

Why is he not out looking for work now, taxi-ing, bar work, anything, cleaning loos fgs, anything to help you and take the strain, this is his shit you are left to clean up, terrible.

adora1 · 31/08/2016 15:43

Sorry OP, I know you are upset, just angry on your behalf that another human being thinks it's ok to behave this way, I hope you have some good support and good friends and family; tbh, I'd have gone long ago and not have gone back until he had sorted out HIS mess.

You tried on several occasions to get his to do this, he ignored you, says it all really.

ImperialBlether · 31/08/2016 15:45

I would leave over this, I think. You are going to be dragged down further and further and no matter what you do, your family's finances will suffer. He needs to show you some respect and get it sorted now.

furryminkymoo · 31/08/2016 15:58

I am rubbish with money, DH has been very patient with me. In your situation I would be taking charge of the finances. Its his weak spot isn't it?

Luvjubs · 31/08/2016 16:10

If it were me I'd give a final ultimatum. Either go and seek help and follow through with IVA or such like and relinquish all financial decisions and responsibility to you, or start with divorce proceedings.
Having been through similar myself due to financially backward exP and ending up homeless and sleeping at friends house with my little boy, it's imperative that you protect your child. My DS is also exP son so you'd think he would have sought help. Your child is EXACTLY the reason you need to distance yourself if he can not sort his mess out

NerrSnerr · 31/08/2016 16:17

Is he looking for a job? If it were my husband that would be the first thing he would need to do to stop me from leaving, not another business but a stable regular income job. If he wasn't looking it would be the end for me until he sorted himself out.

Original poster

Bobby2013 · 14/09/2016 09:48

Hello - thank you all for the messages. He just keeps saying no one would hire him - and the money he would earn would not help to cover childcare costs as he shares the care of our three year old. I own the flat we live in - so he would have to move out, he has no money and no job so would have to go to his mother's, but she is in another town so our DD would only see him a couple of times a month if that. I have told him that once DD goes to school he has to get a job, so he needs to start looking at what he can do now. It's becoming more clear to me that I need to separate from him, not just because of the debt but his attitude towards it and towards me. I've enabled him - when I questioned him about the amount he was in debt he made out it was half of what he actually owed and instead of asking for statements I just took his word for it. I am very good at not seeing what I don't want to see, but now the blinkers are off. Yesterday I had planned a day by the sea with DD, and he said he would come along. I asked him not to if he was just going to be in a bad mood, but he insisted he come along and then proceeded to moan and gripe the whole day. He took away what could have been a lovely, joyful day for DD and me. He is like a Deatheater. Just need to hold on until I can figure out how to separate without it making the situation worse!

OP posts:

deste · 14/09/2016 10:30

He needs to get a job now not when you DD goes to school.

adora1 · 14/09/2016 13:33

A job now not later! You're wasting your time on a waster I'm afraid, no idea where his self respect is.

ImYourMama · 14/09/2016 13:42

I'd leave OP, he's lied to you and now he's not bothered about sorting the mess as he's allowing you to sort it. He should have more self pride than allowing you to clear up his mess and unfortunately it says a lot about what he thinks of you generally - that you're there to sort this shit out and he can do as he likes. You and DD will be fine and maybe kicking him out will make him take accountability for himself

Original poster

Bobby2013 · 29/09/2016 11:00

I've come to another realisation that I have not helped in all of this at all. I knew when we were first dating that he was not responsible with money and I did that daft thing of thinking that he would get his s**t together. Apart from the finances, it's not like he cheats on me or goes out drinking. He is brilliant with our DD, and he does more than his fair share of domestic work. I think the problem is he is just so disappointed that his career has not worked out - and he's finding it very hard to let go of that career. He is stuck, and he doesn't have the personality to do anything about it. I don't want to do any knee jerk decision making - I know that if I was to leave him he'd have to stand on his own but then that would mean disrupting my DD's world. I realised today that I'm not depressed, just really disappointed and a lot of that is down to me - because I was warned by a couple of good friends that being with someone of his personality would make for a hard life. Thank you to everyone for listening - I've got a lot of sorting out to do and having an outside view helps!

OP posts:

HermioneJeanGranger · 29/09/2016 11:45

There are two kinds of people in debt: those who know they need to pay it back, who organise their finances to do so and who work to pay it off as quickly and easily as people. And those like your DH. Who don't really care because if they did, they'd get any job - he COULD work, he just doesn't want to. He's using childcare as an excuse - he could work evenings or weekends or early/late shifts around your hours if he was desparate, but the truth is - he isn't. He knows you'll pick up the pieces.

You need to be firm and issue an ultimatum. Tell him you're not prepared to carry him anymore because it's starting to impact your mental health and your financial stability. He either shapes up and gets a job, or he can move back to his mothers. You don't have a duty to support him just because you have a child. DD deserves to live in a stress-free household, not one in debt because one parent just doesn't give a shit.

adora1 · 29/09/2016 11:53

So what, you make a mistake possibly, doesn't mean you have to tie yourself to a person who is happy to sponge off you for the rest of his life.

smilingeyes11 · 29/09/2016 11:58

if you are married the flat belongs to both of you. You need solid legal advice to see how you can get rid of him without leaving yourself in a whole heap of debt and/or homeless too.

Why do you pay rent if you own your flat?

popthisoneout · 29/09/2016 12:08

I wound get legal advice and start making plans to leave. As your married the flat, debts all of it will be put in one big pot and divided between you. There's no yours and his financially once your married.

As he is currently doing a bulk of the childcare, he could be seen as the main carer so I would plan your exit to minimise the damage and put you and your DD in the best possible position. I would also make sure he gets some sort of job and contributes something.

Myusernameismyusername · 29/09/2016 18:16

I was in a massive mess of debt from putting my head in the sand and the only way I got myself sorted out was to be a single mother. It's been so hard but I literally had no choice. Now I think I have changed for good over the last almost 10 years and would never do it again but it was only when I was at my rock bottom did I face up to it.

In my case I think my parents didn't teach me any thing about money or debt and as we were poor as children when we got all that credit in the 2000's and giant mortgages it was almost like free money and I did NOT understand the consequences as a 21 year old - in my head I had a car, a flat with a mortgage and a nice life. My mother is still awful with money even now, and I don't think she will ever change.

The payback of it is that I destroyed my credit score I can't even get a phone contract. The debt just seems to consume you and follow you.

But if your DH doesn't ever really see or feel the TRUE consequences he has not hit the rock bottom and you are breaking his fall. Things can't change until he realises and clearly telling him isn't working.

I'm not saying leave him but he has to somehow feel completely responsible for this and if that means a trial separation then perhaps that's what he needs. It will destroy you

Original poster

Bobby2013 · 24/10/2016 10:00

SmillingEyes11 - I meant mortgage not rent - that's what comes from typing out of frustration!

OP posts:

Cary2012 · 24/10/2016 10:11

Op I think you need to sit him down and tell him that this needs sorting, he needs to show commitment to dealing with these debts, or he's out, because you can't live like this any longer.

If he's talked to a debt charity, he can do so again. I've heard good reports about Step Change.

He could and should be looking at evening/weekend work.

If you tell him exactly what needs doing to save your marriage it is then up to him to step up and do what he needs to. If he refuses, then you should send him on his way.

You can't live like this.
I hope it works out, if it does you should take over control of all finances.

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