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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you actually do when..

18 replies

iremembericod · 31/08/2016 09:23

someone is being emotionally abusive to their children?

I won't go into the exact details but it is a family member, female, being incredibly manipulative, harmful and abusive to her children.

Is there anything you can actually do or do you have to just sit back and let the children be ruined by her?

OP posts:
Original poster
iremembericod · 31/08/2016 09:24

She is not violent (well, not illegally violent, she has slapped and grabbed hair)

OP posts:
NoahVale · 31/08/2016 09:28

do you feel up to reporting to social services?

Mintychoc1 · 31/08/2016 09:28

Health visitor, school nurse, social services - depending on the ages and the details of what she's doing.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/08/2016 09:35

'Grabbed hair' that is not OK.
Report to social services.
If you don't feel you can do that then call NSPCC and have a chat with them anonymously and see what they suggest.
But do these DC a favour and get them help.
SS won't necessarily break up the family but they can offer some good support for the whole family.

pocketsaviour · 31/08/2016 09:36

Is the children's dad on the scene? Could you speak with him about your concerns?

Dakota1 · 31/08/2016 09:38

Limited details. Can you talk with the other parent of the children? Perhaps it is a family issues which should be resolved within the family and not by a third party?

Original poster
iremembericod · 31/08/2016 09:39

I wonder what SS would actually do though, realistically.

She is pretty convincing and I worry it would make it worse for the children.

It's hard to prove abuse in most circumstances and especially in these circumstances it would mean the children 'going against' their mum.

Do you know what I mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
iremembericod · 31/08/2016 09:41

The Dad is aware of the situation and we have spoken about it and he sees them a lot, and his approach is to counteract the EA with his normal environment and make sure they know they can go to his at any time they want.

Maybe that is the right approach?

OP posts:
NoahVale · 31/08/2016 10:25

if someone is being emotionally abusive it is not a good state of affairs.
let it out in the open op.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/08/2016 10:27

If the dad can and will take full custody then I'd report to SS.
EA is seriously damaging and has far reaching effects on the DC an any future relationships they form.
It's a cycle, as we all know... Time to stop that cycle!

hippydippybaloney · 31/08/2016 10:40

I reported my ex to ss regarding EA towards the children. It was insidious and subtle but he wasn't as clever as he thought he was. He couldn't manipulate the social worker, they took it very, very seriously. I was worried I would be seen as over reacting because there's so much more obvious damage happening to kids and they would say I was wasting my time but that very much wasn't the case.

Original poster
iremembericod · 31/08/2016 11:04

Thank you for that hippy

I am posting because I do want to break the cycle. This is DB and ex-SIL btw. He would have them full time in a flash.

OP posts:
hippydippybaloney · 31/08/2016 11:21

If he doesn't want to go straight to social services he can ring the nspcc for advice. He can just lay it all out factually and ask them if it constitutes EA and what he should do about it. That's what I did, and then agreed to the ss referral when they said that was the best course of action.

The kids still have contact but it is greatly reduced now and he knows he has to be more careful. It hasn't stopped entirely, I will be honest, he still tries it, but is far less damaging now.

Runoutoftime16 · 31/08/2016 11:24

Do you actually know this for sure or is it what you have been told by someone else? Because unless you have seen it with your own eyes tread very carefully.

Original poster
iremembericod · 31/08/2016 12:02

runoutoftime16 I don't make such accusations about people without some evidence

Hippy thank you

OP posts:
MrsWorryWart · 31/08/2016 12:15

I would absolutely report any form of abuse. As long as I knew for certain there was abuse. I couldn't just report on hearsay etc.

SandyY2K · 31/08/2016 12:23

Report it to SS. Tell them the mother is abusive, but convincing and that the children would not go against her out of fear, so they should bear that in mind when questioning. Tell them all you know including the school they go to, as they often start enquiries that way too.

If you are doing it anonymously, then find out exactly who to address the safeguarding alert to in children's services.

You can ask for your details to regain confidential or find out if that is possible before you divulge any details.

Enquiries will be made and the mother will know she has to modify her behaviour, because the school will be notified and on the lookout for things.

She'll be under the radar. If you can cite specific incidents and possible dates it would help. If you don't want your identity revealed, then be careful with the specifics as it could be narrowed down to you.

IreallyKNOWiamright · 02/09/2016 11:29

If it's someone you don't know. I'd leave the situation alone. Grabbing hair yes an awful thing to do. It might have been just a bad day where the child wouldn't listen and constantly played up. Still no excuse but I've seen worse out and about

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