Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

3rd in line for affection

11 replies

Flibbertyjibit · 30/08/2016 20:40

Has anyone else found that once you have kids, your DH gives all the affection that you might have once had to them and you become a bit of an afterthought and taken for granted? My DH told me a while ago that we don't need to be all lovey dovey, I should know he loves me and he's happy just to coexist (his parents don't really show affection to one another but we're not a retired couple just yet, so the odd hug or unexpected kiss when he gets in wouldn't hurt!)
He's affectionate and caring with the children and is really good at making sure they get daddy cuddles, but it's like it's run out by the time it gets to my turn!
I suppose I'm just wondering where the point was that we perhaps started taking one another for granted a bit and while it's never going to be like when it was all exciting and we were first together (and not busily looking after kids and being tired), maybe making him realise that a bit of affection would be worth the effort

OP posts:

eyess · 30/08/2016 21:36

I don't really have any advice I'm afraid, as my situation is exactly the same, only reverse the sexes, my DW says and does the exact same. A nice hug that I didn't initiate, or a little unexpected peck on the cheek would be lovely. Haha, sometimes even asking me how my day was would mean the world.

Your post has made me realise that her parents never show affection to each other, and it's like something just fell into place in my head! Thanks

ChunkyHare · 30/08/2016 21:44

To me physical contact is a need not a want. Dh and I have been married for 17 years and when he comes home from work we all greet him at the door. The children come off their computers (they are 13 and 10) and I stop whatever I am doing and we kiss and cuddle him.

I think it is important to show someone with gestures how important they are. I am a SAHM and Dh is up before me and brings me a cup of tea in bed every week day morning. He de-ices my car.

We constantly just touch as we walk past each other, I'll touch his arm or he'll just make contact with the base of my spine with his hand.

I don't think it is kind to use children as an excuse to avoid physical contact.

SandyY2K · 30/08/2016 21:49

Normally it's men who have this complaint.

Speak to him and tell him you miss the physical affection

Remember that the kids grow up and leave home. If the affection is gone you then have nothing and that's actually when a lot of marriages fall apart.

whambamthankyoumaam · 30/08/2016 22:32

Yep i gave up showing any affection to OH as he just stopped with me. Sometimes I hear that if you start really giving him some tlc and attention he may reciprocate. But in my case I've tried that and still get nothing.

pocketsaviour · 30/08/2016 23:22

My DH told me a while ago that we don't need to be all lovey dovey, I should know he loves me and he's happy just to coexist (his parents don't really show affection to one another but we're not a retired couple just yet, so the odd hug or unexpected kiss when he gets in wouldn't hurt!)

For anyone wondering, this is what happens to the children when you "stay together for the sake of the kids" then keep staying together from inertia. They think that's what a marriage is. An amicable, but loveless, arrangement.

SleepingTiger · 31/08/2016 04:12

We have an endless capacity to love. It doesn't have to be rationed. You need to get to the bottom of this, understand why he is really behaving like this and then there is your answer.

Zaphodsotherhead · 31/08/2016 06:26

We don't even have kids - he showers affection on the dog but won't touch me at all (unless he wants sex). Am sick of it now. Tonight he's getting the sit down talk. I, too, tried showing affection, but when he actively backed away from an attempted kiss (he acted as if I were about to hit him, which I never have and never would!) I stopped intiating.

His parents have no physical affection either and I'm sick of it. (his attitude, I mean, not his parents...)

Original poster

Flibbertyjibit · 01/09/2016 23:34

So did you sit him down for talk, what happened?

OP posts:

Canyouforgiveher · 02/09/2016 01:22

Zaphod, honestly, this would be a dealbreaker for me. Why bother?

OP, I think you need to have a serious talk with your dh.

First of all, you are entitled to have affection and love and physical contact in your life if that is what you want.

Second, you need to think really carefully about what kind of marriage you are demonstrating to your children - because this is what they will expect of their future spouses too.

And third your child rearing years are actually quite short - mine are older teens now, I can see the mum/dad phase ending. What will be left for you?

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/09/2016 14:09

Didn''t get chance, flibberty. It's coming though...

Roastandgravy · 03/09/2016 16:45

Yes I had this with my ExH. Part of the reason that he is an Ex.

After our son was born, I had difficulty breast feeding, I was quite ill actually. His first thought and comments were how awful it was for our son not be breastfed. I still remember it clearly, not a thought for me at that time.

He became less affectionate. I suppose I was a bit fatter after childbirth, scruffier with the night feeds. But he was totally over the top affectionate to our son and poured love into him. He is still like that now. It's now his son is a reflection of him so he idolizes him. We split when our child was 1 years old and I'm much happier without him.

Flip