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Relationships

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Original poster

where could it be going

14 replies

HelPPlease1983 · 30/08/2016 17:56

Firstly apologies as I am not sure if I should be posting here as I am a chap and don’t have kids, but I would love some advise on a date I went on and where it might be going…

I am 34 and chatted for a month or so with someone who is 38 with a child, we met for a quick drink after work about a month ago and end up staying until closing time, we got on like a house on fire with lots of common ground. We did make plans for a second date as we walked to the taxis, but the day before out second date she cancelled saying she was too busy to date with work and children, but would love to stay friends.

I took this a polite no thanks, but I am unsure we have continued to text over the last few weeks and last night she asked if I would like to go out for dinner when she gets back from her family holiday.

I would love to see her again, but I am unsure about under what context this is, a date or as friends. What do you think? I would love to date her to be honest it was the best first date I have ever been on, but likewise if she does not want a relationship with me that’s fine and I would like to get to know her as a friend. Not sure how to broach this with her?

Any advise would be most helpful as I don’t want to make a fool of myself.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 30/08/2016 18:02

She's not interested, nice if you want a friend but, nothing else. Her loss, move on

QueenofFatAsses · 30/08/2016 18:11

Do you know how long she has been single for?
It is entirely possible that she liked you but she didn't want to get hurt.
I speak from my own personal experience here.
My current husband had to be very patient with me.
can you cope with the rejection if you went out for another date and she blew you off?

Original poster

HelPPlease1983 · 30/08/2016 18:15

She has been single for a couple of years. I know she had a messy break up previously.

I am more than happy to be friends but would obviously love to get to know here as more than that. It just has thrown me a bit as she suggested meeting at a very very nice restaurant, the sort you go to to have a date not just a meal out.

TO be honest in the past when a date has suggested just being friends I have always rejected it and cut contact, but for what ever reason I would love to stay in touch with her.

OP posts:

QueenofFatAsses · 30/08/2016 18:20

So stay in touch, meet up with her again and be friends. Just be aware that if you harbour any feeling beyond friendship she may not feel the same x

Soozikinzi · 30/08/2016 18:21

Just go for it and see what transpires .Otherwise you will always wonder what could have been.I think you are big enough and sensible enough to accept it if things don't work out xx

Myusernameismyusername · 30/08/2016 18:24

I would go, because she doesn't sound like she is going to trample all over your heart, even if her answer might not be the one you want now she sounds nice? And friendship is a good thing to have.
I sometimes freak out worrying about having the time to fit someone in. It isn't that I don't like them but I let them go because I don't think it's fair I have very little free time.

ElspethFlashman · 30/08/2016 18:28

I would be wary. She may not know what she wants if she's booking a fancy restaurant for a dinner with a "friend".

In fact, I would text back and suggest somewhere you actually would go to with a friend I.e. a tapas place or similar. Make a joke and say "we'd better give romantic places a swerve if we're to continue as mates, lol!"

Her reaction would be interesting, if nothing else.

Thing is, it can't be unclear. She has rebranded it as a friendship and now thats your official brief. So work off that until there's any official change.

Kokox314 · 30/08/2016 18:32

Men do often grow on you to the point where you begin to feel differently but only if they don't push the issue, and are confident in the 'rejection'. I'd assume that it's more likely that this won't happen though.

I agree, be confident and insouciant in your response. ''ok, no candlelit dinners, got it. Spice bag and the cinema''.

Original poster

HelPPlease1983 · 30/08/2016 18:34

ElspethFlashman, I like your take on treating it as a friends brief unless she says anything otherwise.

Myusernameismyusername that is interesting that you have let people go because you felt you could not commit, did you stay friends with any of them? I know she was having a rubbish time a work over the last few weeks as her boss and assistant were both off and she felt totally overburdened at the time, that is why I wonder if she had a flip out that she did not have time.

OP posts:

Kokox314 · 30/08/2016 18:35

I'd leave it a while to go out as well. That might be a bit of a tactic. But if you say ''yeh we'll go out, I'll arrange it''. And then leave it a month (like would happen with a friend, quite easily!) then she won't feel at all pressured. She might even think about you in that month and wonder if she definitely made the right call.

AbyssinianBanana · 30/08/2016 18:39

Just the same advice as women get - he/she is just not that into you. If she really clicked with you (as you did with her), she'd make time and room in her life for you.

I think you may end up her good-enough-for-now guy.

Myusernameismyusername · 30/08/2016 18:39

Yes I am friends with men I have dated. As long as it didn't end terribly there is no reason not to be. I don't have much free time and hate the idea of people hanging on waiting for me, it doesn't feel fair. I don't have anyone to babysit and don't like leaving my kids in the evenings until they are a little older (daytime I would) and I work full time. So I may end up with one day in a week that's free, and that's not even adding in seeing my friends or other commitments. It's really hard for single mums so I don't think she should be ruled out as a friend either, but I think the dinner would make it much more clearer for you.

I agree with meeting somewhere less formal. And don't pay for it, go halves

Original poster

HelPPlease1983 · 30/08/2016 19:19

Yes, hopefully dinner will make things clearer, I totally appreciate that she is a single mum and her son takes priority, so would be hard to fit someone new into her life.

Ha ha, she is a go dutch girl anyway, she said this long before out first date in jest! I will suggest somewhere a little less formal I think.

OP posts:

AstrantiaMallow · 30/08/2016 22:57

Would you be friends with her, even if it may never go further?

I write this as someone who saw a guy as a friend for 7-8 months before it turned into the dating situation it is now. I was mid-divorce, something court-led, from an abusive man. I just wasn't in the right place, but equally was pretty lonely and I liked him.

I don't think one date is a lot to make a decision on to be honest. If you really like her I don't see what the problem is with slow and friendship for a while as long as you can talk honestly about the situation, and I think that's what 's important here. I didn't mess him around, and I told him to walk away if what I could offer was too little for him. Equally I hadn't 'friend-zoned' him, I just didn't feel I knew him enough to decide anything. I told him that.

It's a bit odd she's booked a romantic restaurant, I agree. Our non-dates were activities, coffees and low-key meals. I also saw him
more than once a month, more like one a week/fortnight.

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