Help! Mother-in-law driving me crazy. Advice needed

[Rachmumof4]

My relationship with myDP is on the rocks. His darling mum lives a village away and is killing us with kindness. She is a lovely person, but that doesn't stop me feeling that she needs to back off or else (not really)

We had a heated row this morning all because she bought the kids school uniform, decides when she wants to have them over and also I had to ask to take the kids to school on their first day back.

I'm feeling that she's doing this because she thinks I'm a rubbish mum. She even cleaned the house when we went on holidays, pls note I did so before we left. I feel so undermined and of no worth to the family. I'm ready to move out. But that means throwing away everything.

So I think I need some advice on how to handle mother-in-law who is too sweet and constantly interferes. And a big hug as I've had a beep of a morning .

Thanks in advance x

I sounds like she is trying to be helpful.

Your DP needs to speak to his mum and say while you both appreciate that she wants to help out you are feeling undermined.

What do you mean you had to ask to take the dcs to school on their first day?
So is she 'assuming' the primary mother role?
If so fuck that shit
You are the mother you get to decide what goes on with your won. Holden.
You need to sit down with oh and talk seriously about boundaries and what you will and will. It tolerate fro. Now on
You are the parents not your mil

You are right she does assume a parenting role. I tell her that she is more valuable as gp. That the kids love her best as grandma. She will ease up for a while then goes back to her old ways.

She sounds as though she is trying too hard to help a d is trampling all over the boundaries.

Just tell her that as their mum you will normally be the one taking them to school a d you will ask her specifically on the occasional day when you find yourself needing her help. You do appreciate her attempts to help, and you will ask if needed. Repeat it as necessary.

Every time she oversteps the mark, tell her no, firmly. She is overstepping your boundaries and your DP needs to be on your side with you. They're your children, not hers.

My MIL would have been similar if I hadn't been a strong personality who (metaphorically) slapped her down when she overstepped the mark.

It's exhausting repeating yourself but YOU are the Mum, she's had her turn and it's your turn now - and tell her that!

Mine has taught me what NOT to do if/when I become a MIL and/or a GP myself!

Thank you so much for the advice, I was starting to feel a bit down about it all.

You may have to upset her, but you have to develop a backbone (and thick skin!) or she will walk all over you forever more.

Let nothing slide. Police your boundaries fiercely. It is wearing and you shouldn't have to but that's just how it is with people like that. Give them an inch and they'll take a mile.

I'm sure she doesn't think you're a rubbish mum at all, she just wants to be indispensable.

Take the uniforms back over to her house and tell her that the two of you need to have a talk. Tell her that she's a much loved and very important part of the family, but that buying uniforms/taking children to school on their first day/deciding where children go and when, are things for their parents to deal with and that if a family is going to work well, everyone needs to understand that there are boundaries, so you'll be leaving the uniforms with her so she can get her money back, you will be taking them to school on their first day and she should let you know when she wants to see the children and you & your husband will let her know whether that's possible. And then every time she oversteps the mark, ask her 'Do you remember that chat we had about boundaries?'

Good luck!