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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mini rant about STBXH

18 replies

myownperson · 22/08/2016 13:00

Before anyone points it out...I know that it's none of my business and I know that I sound bitter. I'm just saying it here and then I'll move on...

I am at STBXHs (my old home) to let a plumber in. The place is so so tidy and clean. I mean immaculate. Not once - literally - in 20 years did he ever clean the toilet when we were together.

And he has bought new things. Nothing expensive but I never felt allowed to spend money on things for the home. It looks lovely.

Even now in my new house I have bought second hand or bargains and feel nervous at him seeing them.

Mostly I'm glad he's coping well and the home looks lovely for DC. Just needed a little grumble. Grrr...

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/08/2016 13:06

Now you can stop feeling nervous about new things.

Original poster

myownperson · 22/08/2016 13:21

Yes I guess so.
I certainly need to try make my home look a lot nicer than it currently does.

OP posts:

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 22/08/2016 13:29

I would be angry, that when you were together you didn't deserve the same effort and attention that he is obviously able to give to making a house a home. Then I'd feel glad to be rid of him if he was too selfish to put in the effort when he is so obviously capable.

Mummyshortlegz · 22/08/2016 13:31

I remember doing very similar and discovering and feeling very similar. Couldn't tidy or clean for anything when we were together and it was a massive, massive issue. I moved out and went round to visit my cats and it looked amazing. Seething I was.

leopardspice · 22/08/2016 13:34

That is really galling. Maybe as he knew you were coming he's made a special effort/got a cleaner
Now you've gone he's probably realised how hard it is and had roped his mum into helping him out?

Original poster

myownperson · 22/08/2016 15:54

I'm genuinely surprised as well as irritated. I really thought he didn't see things or get the homely stuff rather than just controlling the money.
Glad it's not just me being unreasonable.

OP posts:

starsandstripes2016 · 22/08/2016 16:06

think this is a very typical reaction. my stbxh is doing exactly this in my stbx home.

wonder why you're doing him the favour or why he's asked.

Stella08 · 22/08/2016 16:24

I couldn't set foot in my STBXH and my ex home. It's the only thing that brings me to tears. The DC have been in a few times (not regular contact with DF) and they've said that although it's tidy, the house is filthy, especially the bathroom and he's done nothing with the house. DS 12 said that it's exactly how we left it, even down to the pictures on the walls. He doesn't come into my house with all my second hand furniture that I had to cobble together when we moved out as he wouldn't allow us to take anything. It seems to me like he's living in the past. I'm not surprised though as he didn't pick up a duster or a toilet brush in the 14 years we lived there together
You don't have to justify any of your purchases to him now OP. You are making a new home, be proud of it

Original poster

myownperson · 22/08/2016 16:30

wonder why you're doing him the favour or why he's asked.

Being amicable/helpful? We have young children together.

OP posts:

JellyBean31 · 22/08/2016 16:42

My STBXH is like this too in my stbx-home, it's immaculate. He has replaced carpets, mirrors, got new TV's and there's no clutter.

He couldn't even manage to change a loo roll when I was there!!! One time when I was in hospital for a week, his sisters came down to help him do housework (cos the poor lamb was so incapable). I came home after a fairly major operation and was expected to get on with it, I didn't see either of them (well I was off work for 3 months, so had loads of time )

But....the house will be up for sale too, so I'm glad he has kept it nice despite it being a bit galling.

Original poster

myownperson · 22/08/2016 19:35

I wonder why it's such a common thing. Oh well, galling as it is, at least he's keeping a nice home for DC.

OP posts:

BugEyedBeans · 22/08/2016 22:36

I go round to STBX house and clean the toilets every couple of weeks. Just so my kids aren't living in squalor when they are there. That's it though, I hold back from the filthy sink and kitchen as that doesn't affect kids so much.

Have to admit it gives me a slight sense of moral superiority... but i should leave it, after all I wouldn't like it if he came round to my house and rearranged the furniture!

Namechanger2015 · 22/08/2016 22:41

can you not plant a dead fish behind the radiator to make yourself feel better?

Treeclot · 22/08/2016 22:56

Urgh. I moved into my now exes house when I was pregnant. He wouldn't lift a finger, including making a room into a nursery. (Our baby just had a cot in our room, while a spare bedroom stood empty with stripped walls and no power sockets). He left me for OW and I moved out. He's now selling the shithole and buying a gorgeous house with OW so that her daughter has a nice room.

It hurts that we weren't worth the effort.

Cabrinha · 22/08/2016 23:04

My XH was disgusting - oh the rows we had over skid marks in the loo

Once PIL came over and the kitchen was filthy as I was "work to rule" and refused to clean up after him. It was bad enough that I had to say "I would never leave it like this - I'm work to rule". And FIL said "but you knew what he was like when you bought together!"

I said "no I bloody didn't". Because the disgusting pig was capable of wielding a loo roll and changing bed sheets when he was after sex.

It's a bloody myth that "men don't see the mess". Some see it all right - but they don't give a fuck and they're happy for someone else to clean up after them.

Original poster

myownperson · 22/08/2016 23:30

oh the rows we had over skid marks in the loo

I know LTB over skid marks would seem extreme, but I'm starting to wonder just how much rubbish we put up with in long term relationships. I left for fairly serious reasons but, really, who wants to argue about shitty toilets long term. Sod that.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 22/08/2016 23:41

I don't think it's extreme.

I told my XH, when I see those marks, they say "despite me knowing your feelings, I care so little about you that I don't give a fuck if you have to look at my 4 day old dried shit".

Now, it sounds extreme to leave someone over a bit of poo.

But it doesn't sound extreme if you say "I left him because he had nothing but disdain for me and didn't care about me."

I would never date someone again who didn't keep their toilet clean. Absolute dealbreaker, and I'm not joking.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/08/2016 02:42

I'd be willing to bet he's hired a cleaner. Plus it's always easier to keep a place clean when you live by yourself, don't have children underfoot, and probably eat a lot of ready meals and takeaway. He's out of the house working part of the time, too.

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