Can I be sure to get custody of my son?

[MorNot]

Hi - I'm thinking of splitting up with my DH. We have a three year old DS. We have been together 14 years but its become increasingly clear that he doesn't respect me. He is a brilliant father and not a bad man, but he is making me sad.

I'm thinking through my options now, and just wondered what people's experiences are with custody. I'm sure my DH would want to keep DS too and I am scared that DH would fight to have him. We both work full time and DS is in childcare, but I do 99% of drop offs/pick ups, laundry/meal planning/healthcare/general organisation of DS. DH does the fun stuff - weekend football/20 mins of excitement before bed. Does that make a difference in custody agreements?

The starting point is shared care. Why do you think you wouldn't get care of him. If there is no valid reason then why would a judge award him full custody, has he threatened you with this?

No, he hasn't threatened. He doesn't know I am thinking like this. I want to know my options before I decide and then I will discuss with him.

What's the shared custody? 3/4 consecutive nights at each parent? What about weekends?

Shared care was very definitely defined in the Childrens Act as not being a 50:50 split of time. It was meant to be a good way to ensure that children had a beneficial relationship with both parents. Sadly it is now being used by many men to claim 50:50 to avoid paying maintenance. Hopefully you can reach an amicable agreement between yourselves that will suit your child and both of you.

Shared care can be whatever spilt of the we week you like. But one way that tends to work well though is Monday and Tuesday nights with one parent, Wednesday and Thursday with the other, then alternate weekends.

Your DP would need to be able to do nursery pick ups and drop offs for splitting the weekdays to work though. If he can't you'd have a strong case for being the primary carer and just splitting weekends.

In my experience shared care can work pretty well with age 3-12 or so if you communicate OK, (but less well with teens,)

That's interesting about pick ups. I thought I would have to have DS in the week and DH would have him weekends, as DH can't do drop offs pick ups. But sounds like that's not the case - interesting. It would also have a positive impact on my career, which has taken a hit since having DS.

If he's never done any of the wifework why would he want to start now?

Surely he would agree to the big standard every other weekend and one night in the week, where he does pick up the afternoon/evening and gives them dinner then in the morning takes them to school /nursery? They would keep stuff at his house and he would do their laundry, homework, taking to clubs, taking to birthday parties (and buying the card and present) etc..

You wouldn't be expected to give up all the lovely weekends and keep all the rough weekday shit parenting. I've never ever heard of that. I do know men who have the DC 2- 3 nights a week plus EOW but that's less common (usually because the dads don't want the shit school days)

Interestingly, rabbit, my DH does have his DC every weekend and their mum has them in the week. But this was what they both wanted. I think most people want to have some time with their DC at weekends so usually they split or alternate them.

But if only one parent is able to do school/nursery runs then that parent normally does the weekday care. If it goes to court the court i think looks to preserve the routines the kids are used to as much as possible. So I'd guess OP that you'd likey end up with most of the weekday care, but your ex would get about half the weekends and possibly a night or evening visit in the week. So you need to think more about shared care and coparenting with your DC's parent for many years, rather than fighting over custody, and one person alone getting it, as that's not generally good it works these days if both parents and willing and able to parent

Thank you for everyone who has replied. It's given me lots to think about.

I was I a similar position. Sons dad was a great dad but crap partner. I suggested a 50/50 residency arrangement and we have been doing it for around two years now. I have our son four nights a week now - it used to be three nights one week and four the other but I changed it to four with me. It generally works well, son is still in nursery so young but he knows he will be staying with dad for a while then mum and most inportantly, he has two happy homes rather than one unhappy households. It was very difficult in the beginning for me as I missed him so much but I appreciate my time with him more and have time for myself. I can stay late at work etc and tidy up in peace! I don't get any maintainance - haven't asked and wouldn't be entitled to anything any. I do get the CB and TCs.

I don't think u have to worry about him getting custody - I had a similar worry at one point but fathers rarely get custody over the mother. They would have to prove that you are an unfit mum and I'm sure your far from that.

It will be ok