DP and OW - does he still carry a torch for her?

[hanahollie]

Been with DP over 5 years. We had a tricky first 3 years in which he had an EA with OW (someone I actually know by sight, but we are not acquaintances) - he never admitted it and nor did I confront him (I was going through a hard time elsewhere and didn't need the additional stress). I suspect the EA got a bit physical to the point of kissing based on the emails I found on his ipad.

The last 2 years have been good. We both feel more secure in the relationship and are both generally happy with the status quo. Neither of us are interested in marriage, we are happy just being a couple. I can't have children and he is fine with this as he also does not want kids. DP is 38, I am 43.

Last week I was with DP in a restaurant and OW walked by with a man, presumably her DP. I noticed my DP occasionally look over at her when he thought I was preoccupied ordering food etc.

Because of this, I decided to look at his ipad again and I found an email from a few weeks ago from the same OW. It seems as if they hadn't spoken in a while and they ran into each other out of the blue, as he had sent a follow up email to her after running into her thanking her for buying him a pint and that he will return the favour.

I don't know what to think or do. DP has no idea I know anything about the OW.

Ask yourself if you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering if he's cheating 😢

This is about more than whether he still carries a torch for her or not (long story short - he does) I think you're not giving enough priority to your own feelings. He's going behind your back, and it's disrespectful. Do you see this being your life for the next few decades? Maybe take some time to consider your own feelings on this and how you are going to deal with it. Good luck OP.

You didn't bring it up because you didn't want the stress? What about the stress of being around him everyday knowing he is happily lying to you. If you are having to play inspector ipad then you already have your answer. The point isn't that he may carry a torch for her, it is that he is happy to 'light his fires' outside of your relationship at all. You already know what kind of person he is surely? You can do better Op don't accept any less!

I didn't want the stress as I was dealing with supporting my sister at court (she was attacked, life long injuries etc) and I couldn't let anything distract me from that. This took a long time and by the time it was all over, in all honesty I'd forgotten about the email I found and I was just relieved to have some normality.

Sorry to hear that but don't you also deserve support from your DP? Isn't that the point of having a dp? That you help.eachother through hard times. How can he offer that when he is betraying you?

Well said Granny

And now he's seen her again on the side and is usually big the excuse of buying her a drink to repay the one she bought him to see her yet again.

Where's your dignity?

I don't know for sure if he is cheating again, but the fact after all this time he still seems taken by her just makes me concerned that maybe it wasn't just a passing thing...

You need to let this relationship go, OP. He is not trustworthy or/and simply not into you enough.

Surely you need to talk to him? Tell him you know he's been unfaithful. Otherwise you're guessing and surmising.

I think that you need to put the iPad down and actually talk to him about this.

Does your DP know that you are/were aware of the EA or even physical?? Did he greet OW and introduce you when he saw her out with you?? If he doesn't know that you're aware other existence then the mere fact he pretended not to know her, when they clearly know each other well, is all confirmation you need to move on.

Granny has it spot on! At a very distressing time in your life, when you needed DP the most, he's off floating his boat elsewhere, leaving you alone and simply taking advantage of your distraction!!! It's appalling, you don't deserve this nonsense!

His actions are telling you who he is, be sure to listen. Don't waste anymore of your time, he's an idiot.

So he was philandering while you were going through an horrendous time.

And now he's hovering around the same flame.

Oh so get rid.

So last week I confronted my DP about the OW. Turns out that he did have an EA with her all those years ago. I asked him why, he said he was confused about our future at that point and he honestly thought we were about to break up.

This is plausible, as I did mention us potentially breaking up a few times (I was stressed with my sister's situation and just having a man in the house annoyed me).

The EA was brief - 2 months. As soon as he realised it was the stress causing me to act that way, he saw sense and decided that I didn't mean the things I said.

Not sure what to believe or do? I did mention his most recent email and the situation at the restaurant, but he fobbed that off as nothing.

When you aren't on top form, maybe upset with him, then instead of helping you, he has an affair. Perfectly reasonable. For a total cockwomble.

He had an affair because he thought you might leave him? WTAF?

Get rid of him just for that "justification".

Some people will believe any old shit

Don't be one of those people. You will hate yourself for it in a few years if you do.

So he's still in contact with the woman he cheated on and you are wondering if it's ok, well no, it's not, he has zero respect for you and looks like they will start it up again, why is he even there, he should be long gone.