Feeling much stronger.Decisions still to be made.

[whatisforteamum]

i joined this site 3 yrs ago.With ill parents ,dcs taking exams and a bad tempered dh and a bullying boss i didnt know where to turn,
My dm and df are stable (still terminal cancer), Dcs have left school and have jobs.
I have a new fulltime job...more hours equals more money and confidence now im respected not bullied.
I even have a proper bed now dh has one downstairs.Im not sure if he still snores as i work shifts so hardly ever see him and i work all weekends too.
I feel like a different person and even put on some weight.
Dh knows i can only see him if i book hols.I have booked my 50 th birthday weekend off in 2 months to go away.
He agreed the place.somewhere we went 20 yrs ago.
This eve he was cagey and vague about it,Turns out his newish hobby may take him away around then!! I am hurt he would put his mates first in this instance,DD overheard and said he was being unreasonable too,we never had the money or time to do much the last 29 yrs.I feel like im being needy.
Things seemed better having separate days off and the odd quality trip away.
Now im wondering whether the lack of affection and intimacy and general discussions if its time to separate formally,While i still have time to enjoy some life.the dcs think we should and dd is moving out soon,They can see how dh totally blanks me out.This yr is 30 since we met.
WWYD

You've come so far I am utterly amazed. That said you and H work opposite hours, sleep in different parts of the house and have to book leave to see each other. Why did you want him to or would think he wanted to holiday with you? I suspect your marraige is dead. Go and celebrate your birthday however you want

I don't really understand why you want to celebrate what should be a joyous occasion with someone so likely to suck all the good time out of it

you don't have a "relationship" any longer....why try to pretend you do

take it to the next level and free yourself from him fully

you are rapidly running out of reasons or explanations to stay trapped in such a grim way of life

Go away with a friend! Or even by yourself......then LTB.......its your 50th and you don't need this shit.

It doesn't really sound like a marriage to be honest. If even your children feel you should separate that is a pretty clear indicator along with separate rooms and booking leave to see each other.

I even have a proper bed now
I can't tell you how pleased I am to hear that!

He's been a B to you for years, so when you're ready, LTB!

I'm glad things are improving for you.

timelytess our DD was getting a new bed so one was downstairs in the living room.He slept in it and i took the bedroom:) 12 yrs downstairs was enough for me.
I dont have any close friends,I work with men half my age so this is another thing to sort out,People get fed up of my working hrs and previously i had dcs to look after so apart from working i was with them.
Great suggestions i think i need to make my own plans.:)

How does a legal separation work ?
we both need somewhere to live and rent is sky high where we live.I was thinking of it as i now work full time and earn as much as dh,(not much),We have no mortgage and ds is 18 soon.

Would he agree to a formal separation? It does sound as though you are at the end of a very long road. Hopefully he will be amicable. Book a free hour's consultation with a good local family lawyer (CAB can provide a list, if no local recommendations) and take it from there. Good luck

yes i think he would now.Thank you for the CAB idea.
,I think he would be happy alone.He isnt interested in talking when i get home at 1030.TV is his life.

I think, but not sure, that a formal separation document is quite straightforward if both parties agree, then two years later a divorce can be granted. Sure someone will be along who knows more. But my local CAB were very helpful. I hope you can sort this out as painlessly as possible, and move on to a great new chapter, you deserve it.

I contacted relate who said they cannot advise so i will have to wait .