Grumpy or what

[Fruity2016]

My other half is very critical, and grumpy almost daily. Occasionally we have a day or two when I glimpse the man I married 40 years ago. He is NEVER grumpy with anyone else. I look after the home and garden with him, he does share these tasks. He is brilliant at DIY turning his hand to all DIY tasks. We have a lovely home thanks greatly to his skills. I always thank him when he does these things. He rarely thanks me for my input into our lives. He swears, loses his rag easily, sulks for days on end. Between Xmas and New Year just gone he didn't speak to me at all. We have no children but many friends, who never see this side of him. Now in my 70's I don't have the physical or mental energy or finances to get a divorce. I am at my wits end.

I would suggest you find lots of hobbies to do and reasons to get out of the house. Maybe start with the library? Go there and just read a book or the paper, and take a look at volunteer opportunities - maybe reading to small children once a week.

Or start up a dog-walking business! That would get you out and keep you occupied.

Or volunteer in a charity shop. You need to create a life for yourself that is filled with polite, chatty, interesting people.

He sounds a delight!!

You don't have to divorce to tell him that he's being unreasonable, if you can then have a conversation about how his mood impacts on you & how it needs to change.

If you can't, then can you get a hobby outside the house, it might give you a few hours break & he would have to manage by himself.

Have you traditionally rubbed along with expected gender roles, so he does all the DIY & you do all the cleaning etc? If so then maybe demonstrate to him what its like if you don't do the normal amount of housework that he's used to. He may realise what it is you actually do & be more appreciative.... (it took my dear FIL one week of MIL being ill before he realised what she did all day & bought a dishwasher) :)

Fruity

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

A nicely maintained home counts for nothing when you been so badly accompanied.

I shudder at the thought you have had 40 years of emotional abuse from him; you must feel absolutely ground down and worn out. You can still divorce him, you have to take the first and often the most hardest of steps yourself to get out. This is still possible.

It does not sound like you live in a lovely home at all when you have someone as abusive as he is to accompany you. His only "good" point here that is that he is good at DIY. You have written nothing positive about him otherwise. All his actions towards you are about wanting and having power and control over you (I daresay one or both of his parents were of a similar nature).

Abusers are very plausible to those in the outside world and it may well be that one or two of your friends have their own suspicions re him. You know what he is like towards you though and that trumps everything else, start opening up to one or two trusted friends.

It is never too late to divorce him; that will only be the case when one of you is deceased. He as well as you could live for some years yet, do you really want to spend the rest of your days being so unhappy. Do you want to spend your days being his carer?. Senior citizens can and do get divorced too, infact the number of "silver" divorces mainly instigated by women has rocketed in the last decade.

Womens Aid can also help you here; I would talk to them on 0808 2000 247 in any event.

Oh gosh. So basically you want a divorce but cannot face what it involves. So you are asking how to live with someone with whom you are miserable?

My mother has coped (she is 72) by having a large enough house for separate bedrooms and separate living rooms. She is very active with hobbies and activities out of the house, holidaying with a friend etc.
She still does his cooking, cleaning and laundry though, and he is still grumpy and rude. But I think that that is how they have adapted. I often think she deserves a medal for her forbearance.

Your husband sounds worse behaved than my father, though. Maybe you could talk about what divorce would entail for you and why you think it would take too much energy. It may be a stressful transition but totally worth it when you get to the other side.

I doubt very much that talking to him further about his behaviours would have any effect whatsoever, being abusive has worked for him for the last 40 plus years and he feels he is not doing anything wrong in the first place. He does this because he can and it gives him power.

Fruity has probably tried talking to him over the years about this in any case and she hopefully has carved out some sort of life for herself separate to him. Equally she may well have not been able to do that. In any event inadequate men like Fruity's H do not let go of their intended victim easily. He won't make it easy for her to leave and this is why she needs support to get out.

How do you imagine it going Fruity2016 if you started divorce proceedings with him?
You could visit a family lawyer to find out what you might be able to expect financially - there would be no commitment to take it further and he wouldn't need to know.