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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need advice ASAP seeing her tmo!!!

36 replies

Stace74321 · 08/08/2016 10:02

Im so Confused
Please help me

So I have a friend that I've given a lot of lifts to recently few weeks ago long distance and she didn't offer me any petrol and I didn't mind at first I till she begged me to drive her to London and back
I said no at first cz I hat driving in London bt she begged until I just couldn't say no!
As I was taking her she tld me she'd show me the quickest way as my tomtom was taking us a longer route and she was worried she'd miss her appt. we reached near and she asked me to park on a road that cost £4 for non residents an hour and I told her id park else where bt she insisted as her phone was dead and I left mine and she was worried she wouldn't find me etc, I didn't see any other sign and took her back after her making me wait for 3 hrs for her and she have me only £10 for my petrol didn't pay for the parking at all. So on Friday I opened a letter informing me that I shouldn't have even gone on that road she insisted on as it was only for residents or people with badges unless it's after 6pm till 7 am !
I didn't see that sign and now I'm faced with a bloody fine and I feel as though she should pay it!! But I'm I wrong in asking her as I'm the driver and etc
I hate driving in London and I didn't want to go I spent money bcz of her an now again!! And that £10 didn't cover the distance we even drove!!
I just feel some type of way and I want to know if I'm wrong before confronting her about this!
Feel guilty to think of asking her bt I feel lyk it's the least she could do as I'm always doing her plenty of favours

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 08/08/2016 10:08

Two issues-the lifts and the fine.

Regarding the lift, you need to learn the classic mumsnet line "no, that doesn't work for me" and refuse to do it unless it suits you and she pays you what you want.

The fine is yours to pay. If you didn't see the sign, that's your fault. I'm nice and I'd offer to pay half of a parking fine someone picked up while I was with them. Tell her about it but she isn't obligated to pay it.

Mix56 · 08/08/2016 10:09

Add up your costs, tell her how much you are out of pocket. see what the reaction is, is she is your friend she will pay.
Don't be suckered again

HappenstanceMarmite · 08/08/2016 10:11

What Mix56 said.

Original poster
Stace74321 · 08/08/2016 10:48

I defo agree I need to learn the word no, it never does me any favours by saying yes to everything esp when I really don't want to!
And yes I guess it is my fault for not seeing sign but I'll mention it and hopes she'll offer to pay at least half
Thanks for the advice guys

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 08/08/2016 11:27

Stop being a mug!
Please do yourself a favour and get some assertiveness training.
You should NOT be driving this 'friend' around all over the place until you have an agreed amount in place for your services.
50p per mile and £10 per hour for your time.
She won't ask you again if you put that to her.
Before you do that though ask her for the money for the parking fine.
You wouldn't have even been there if it wasn't for her.
Don't feel guilty and don't think you owe it!
You do NOT!!!
This is down to her.
Send her a text advising about the fine, how much it is etc...
Give her your bank details so she can do a transfer.
Don't ask, just tell her.
Stop being so nice.
Some counselling might help you as well if you are a people pleaser.
You need to get OUT of that mentality.

IreallyKNOWiamright · 08/08/2016 11:28

I've got into something similar only it was to do with a mum at the school using me because I was on the way to the school at her convenience I realised when she made excuses not to see me during the holidays in had to put a stop to it and just ended the friendship..she tried to turn her other friends against me but over the term they are starting to realise her character too ans speaking wirh me again now. But you must say no or you will just keep on being used

PurpleDaisies · 08/08/2016 11:29

Before you do that though ask her for the money for the parking fine.

On what grounds should the friend pay?

PepsiPenguins · 08/08/2016 11:35

The friend should pay because the OP did her a massive favour, and went out of her way to do something nice for this "friend"

Followed this "friends" instructions demands to the point she ended up with a fine.

Yes it's not really the friends responsibility that the OP got a fine because she was driving but all things considering she's not much of a friend if she doesn't, not that she was much of one in the first place from the limit view into this friendship.

I don't think this person is your friend OP, I would outline the actual cost of the trip and the fine, if she is a friend she will not to want to see you out of pocket having done her such a good favour - if she doesn't, we'll do you want a friend like that?

PepsiPenguins · 08/08/2016 11:35

No idea why well autocorrected to we'll that will bug me all day :)

hellsbellsmelons · 08/08/2016 11:40

It's pretty much outlined in my post why I think the 'friend' should pay.
It's not rocket science now.
She went to London for her FRIEND.
FRIEND begged and begged
FRIEND told her where to go
FRIEND insisted she park there
FRIEND insisted she stay there
FRIEND insisted on this because the HER phone was dead
FRIEND hasn't even covered the cost of the trip let-a-lone anything else

PurpleDaisies · 08/08/2016 11:42

I don't agree hells-the op parked the car. She's liable for the fine. I've already said I think morally the friend should offer to pay (and that the op should stand up for herself better in future) but I don't think the op should demand money for a fine she earned herself.

HarmlessChap · 08/08/2016 14:28

Tell the friend about the fine, if she doesn't offer to pay it or at least half of it get better friends.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 08/08/2016 14:33

Well, straw camel's back. It should be easy for you to say no after this. Just say, " use someone else".
Repeat ad infintum until she goes away.

DamaskRose · 08/08/2016 14:46

Maybe fines are driver responsibility usually. In this context I don't agree. Friend directed OP down this street after taking her away from tomtom the route. That changes things. She also put pressure on OP to park in this particular street instead of elsewhere as OP wanted, not being late to appointment was prioritised over anything/anyone else.

DamaskRose · 08/08/2016 14:53

Obvs the trip as a whole was taking the piss. OP's fine just takes it to a whole new level.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 08/08/2016 15:01

Sorry to be blunt but she's not your friend, she's a user. And you're a mug. Please learn the lesson and never be a doormat for anyone else.

siapo · 08/08/2016 15:37

I tried just saying "no" to a friend, but she just kept saying "but why?".

I've discovered that "No, I don't want to" works better.

If a friendship is all one way it's not a friendship, it's a piss take. Any decent person would give you the money for the fine and a proper amount for the petrol, and a huge apology. Anyone who doesn't do this needs dumping from a great height.

OurBlanche · 08/08/2016 15:52

I too would tot up how much it has cost you, including the fine, and tell her that you really don't have any inclination to be her unpaid chauffeur. You simply cannot afford it.

If she even starts to squeak, tell her she is utterly deluded if she thinks your friendship can continue when she so obviously only sees you in terms of how useful you can be to her and her pocket!

A real friend would apologise immediately and cough up your out of pocket expenses. A real friend would totally understand that they owe you for your generosity.

Then again, a real friend would have already offered. You have nothing to lose by confronting her, bar a drain on your bank account!

Hissy · 08/08/2016 16:01

Send her a text detailing the miles you did for her, 50p per mile and deduct the £10

Then add in the whole fine and your bank account details and say that she needs to transfer the money asap.

Add that if she's in any doubt about this, that you've heard mumsnet is great at arbitration and leave the rest to us ...
mwuhahaha

Don't think about this, just do it.

When she queries it, repeat that it's what's owed and fair.

Hissy · 08/08/2016 16:02

Do not ask for half the fine, demand all of it.

She made you accrue this. I don't believe the dead phone bollocks. I just don't.

Cary2012 · 08/08/2016 18:15

You could try
'I won't be able to run you around any more. After last time I was really out of pocket. I wanted to let you know ,as it is only fair that you have time to make other arrangements. I'm sure you understand'
Keep it straight to the point. If she's worth anything, she'll offer to reimburse you. If so, thank her, but refuse to provide any more lifts. If she doesn't, and gets stroppy , then she's just a sponger anyway.

Cabrinha · 08/08/2016 18:22

Why are you seeing her tomorrow?
Can you just cancel?
She's not your friend, she's using you and she'll drop you the minute you learn to say no.

The fine is your problem - although I know I'd be mortified and morally I'd pay. But you were there 3 hours, you had time to work out the parking restrictions! That was your responsibility.

As you say you didn't see the sign, any chance it's because it wasn't visible and you can appeal?

There's no way you're going to see any money off someone like this.

Cabrinha · 08/08/2016 18:24

It's hard to believe though, that the machine (?) that told you the hourly charge didn't also have the hours of operation on it. If it didn't, you surely have a case to appeal the fine.

Why on earth when she handed over the £10 didn't you say "and the parking was £12"?

Original poster
Stace74321 · 08/08/2016 22:27

I was parked in the middle of a long road is already tried to appeal as I don't remembers ever seeing a sign in the street and I have never recieved a fine before in my whole 4 years! It wasn't near the parking sign which had a number you txt and call for non residents nothing else was mentioned on that sign it wasn't a pay machine!
I am seeing her cz we were both invited to another kids bday party and I know for a fact she'll be there!
So I text her and told her about it
And she said well talk about it later cz she's at work and changed the subject to hair!
I honestly don't see her offering to pay in anyway and I won't push her to Ill pay and let it go but that is the last straw when it comes to lifts!
I'm not going to be used so easily I future .. Lesson learned and better the devil you know ryt
Thanks for all the advice I will up date you on wed as I won't be on here tmo
Hopefully it takes a surprisingly good turn

OP posts:
Mix56 · 09/08/2016 07:41

Tell her that the whole episode that she begged for cost you including the fines, the parking & the petrol & x for wear & tear. & culminate, you owe me "at least another £40 Iwill NOT be out of pocket" after all how much is the train/tube/bus ?
She was desperate & pushy, she cajoled you into driving in London knowing you hate it, & wasted most of a day.
Were you also paying for childcare.?
If she says no, I would say, "well that will be the end of this friendship won't it ?"