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Original poster

Breakup and then get married/meeting the right person at the wrong time

37 replies

brokenhearted88 · 06/08/2016 10:10

My BF and I broke up/ decided to a break for an unknown period of time, after dating for over a year. The decision for us to take a cooling off period was horrible for us to make and involved a lot of tears from us both. We are both going through a rather difficult time with some personal issues. He has just been sent to live abroad for a period of time for work and he is also dealing with some traumatising family issues that are going to take some time for him to emotionally deal with. I am in the middle of a career change and ended up needing to move home to my family for a bit to get myself back on my feet following my career change. We have really tried to make our relationship work. When we are together and in the same place we are amazing and full of love for each other. But it has become increasingly difficult to deal with our time apart (we are also just not ready to live together yet as our relationship is only a little over a year old) as we both feel like we don't have the mental capacity to deal with all the other issues in our lives whilst also focusing on our relationship. We are the case of meeting the right person at the wrong time. I think that is the hardest part, the fact that there is nothing wrong in our relationship but that we just can't focus on each other right now and must take time apart to sort ourselves out with the hope that when we are done we can come together again. Although I know this is the right choice for right now, I am completely devastated and having a hard time functioning. We decided that for the first couple of months we should go NC, because if we kept talking then we would fall back in the same pattern of being in a relationship. It is taking every ounce of my strength not to pick up the phone and call him, but I know that giving him space to sort out his issues whilst I sort out my life is the only possible way for us to ever be together in the future...whenever that time may come.

My fear right now is that I am terrified that we won't find a way back to each other. I know that if it is meant to be it will be, but picturing my future without him is painful and causes my grief to explode.

I guess I am looking for some positive stories here to help me get through the day. Has anyone experienced something similar where they took time apart and then found each other again and eventually married? If so, what caused the separation and how long where you apart from each other?

No negativity please. I am trying to be as positive as possible right now because hope is the only thing that is keeping me going.

Thanks!

OP posts:
Hotwaterbottle1 · 06/08/2016 10:19

All I can add is life is never all roses and surely you should be supporting each other as a loving couple albeit long distance. You can't simply separate every time there are hurdles. No contact for a couple in love is crazy. You are either in this together or not.

Original poster
brokenhearted88 · 06/08/2016 10:23

Thanks Hotwaterbottle, but actually we have given this a lot of thought and we both need space to work on ourselves right now and to grow as individuals. Again, I am not asking for negative advice about our relationship as the details are such that for now this seems to be the very best choice for us.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 06/08/2016 10:33

we both need space to work on ourselves right now and to grow as individuals.

I don't even know what that means.

Original poster
brokenhearted88 · 06/08/2016 10:46

We want our relationship to come from a place of strength and not be ruined by emotional turmoil which is what would happen if we were together right now. He needs to work on the damage from his family tragedy and find peace and I need concentrate on my career 100%.

There is no way we can have the type of relationship we need and want to have during this period. Living across the world from each other makes it that much harder. It would be one thing if only one of us wasn't going through upheaval right now but unfortunately thats not the case. He needs to become mentally strong again and I need to get my career in order.

OP posts:
Hotwaterbottle1 · 06/08/2016 10:51

I honestly cannot understand this.

Nellyphants · 06/08/2016 10:52

There's always going to be something. You're never going to 'arrive' at a place where everything is perfect. You're either together or not. Don't hurt yourself by half holding out for a time when you're together & everything is lovely.

What if never becomes mentally strong or it takes him 20 years? Are you going to put your life on hold?

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 06/08/2016 10:53

Hmmmm ... my advice would also be to work on the issues together and to grow together but if what you say is accurate and you really can't do this and you follow your chosen path to grow 'as individuals' but apart from each other you must accept that may not find your way back to each other. However if that's the outcome it would be the right one - although you're in love with one another it may be you are not suited to being partners. I wouldn't mangle yourself too much about this now though - focus on 'working on yourself and growing as an individual' and see where that takes you. You may find you're a very different person at the end of that process with different hopes and desires to the ones you currently have.
I know you don't want to hear this I would however agree with a previous poster - couples who work through issues and support one another are more likely to stay together.

Original poster
brokenhearted88 · 06/08/2016 10:54

You don't need to understand it because its not your relationship and I didn't ask for advice on our choice or how we are living our lives. The only question I asked is if anyone experienced breaking up with their SO only to find each other again after taking time apart.

OP posts:
Hotwaterbottle1 · 06/08/2016 10:55

Working on your career is not a reason to give up a relationship? Otherwise no couple would stay together for years. I know you said no negativity but I seriously don't think anyone will come back with anything positive.

Did he instigate this initially? And the NC?

Dozer · 06/08/2016 10:58

When a relationship breaks up there can be no guarantees of it working out down the line. The most likely outcome is that one or both of you meets someone else. So it'd be best to assume that unless you stay together now that's it, and remain NC.

Some people do get back together after a short or even long time, but most don't.

Dozer · 06/08/2016 10:58

Also, you are talking about "our" and "us": there is no longer an "us" if it's over.

Original poster
brokenhearted88 · 06/08/2016 11:00

Nellyphants, part of the reason why we are taking time apart is so that I don't put my own life on hold, which is what was happening whilst I was trying to help him through his pain. I can't sacrifice myself for him right now because if I don't pursue my own career then its really not a good basis for a strong relationship. It is very hard because I love him and want him to be happy and for awhile I was gladly putting my own career on hold to help him.

OP posts:
Dozer · 06/08/2016 11:02

It's not "on hold" if you have broken up: it's over.

Cabrinha · 06/08/2016 11:02

Surely this is easier to manage because you both have multiple big things going on?

My boyfriend has an older teen daughter with MH issues and who therefore despite her age should not be left alone many nights. My child is younger and as a single parent I can't cut back my nights with her. Add to that I work 50% of my time abroad and his shifts are opposite to mine on some days when we are in the same country. We want to live together but it's the wrong thing for his children for 2 years - practically and financially.

The upshot of this is: we get it. We totally understand that we're not 100% available all the time, that our relationship can't be the only priority as if we were 20.

I don't understand why you haven't decided to pull together. I honestly don't see why you would go no contact! You don't do that if two people love each other.

Have you posted before? There was a poster a while ago who was all flowery language about true love and not being together.

It's not like either of you are going to want anyone else - if it is love. So why on wary not just accept the relationship that you can have.

What is it about him being abroad for a short period and you working hard in a new job that means you can't skype a few times a week and say "so how's it going love?"

I don't know why you're both creating a drama over life's usual ups and downs. If you can't get through this TOGETHER, you're not going to last tong term anyway.

Patheticfallacy · 06/08/2016 11:03

I'm going through a rough patch with my dp of 15 months. He's very stressed over custody issues etc and has withdrawn a bit. We haven't broken up though, but we are giving each other a bit of space and seeing less of each other than we normally would.

Dozer · 06/08/2016 11:04

You say you live in different parts of the world? That makes it even less likely it'll work out, sadly, especially if there are visa issues.

Am not knocking your decision to focus on your career by the way! That sounds sensible.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 06/08/2016 11:05

My own (very limited) experience is that if a relationship is right then it gives you something to hold onto and be steady during a period of turmoil. If a relationship is wrong then it becomes "just another thing I have to deal with" and so makes a difficult time harder.

Original poster
brokenhearted88 · 06/08/2016 11:07

Dozer, We are from the same country but he is working abroad for the next six months. We did not have a choice in him having to go work abroad. There are no visa issues as we both have the same citizenship.

No I have not posted about this before.

Also, again I am not looking for input on our choice and I do not need negativity right now. I am well aware that the future is unknown. But like I said, all I have right now is hope that we can strengthen ourselves and find our way back to each other.

OP posts:
Ladyinbrown · 06/08/2016 11:07

One or other of you has finished the relationship because they are not feeling it as much as the other person (perhaps him because you sound upset and maybe wouldn't be writing this if you had closure) then wrapped it in psycho-spiritual language to make it seem like it was a) not anyone's fault b) in your personal best interests and c) there is hope for "sometime" in the future.

Real relationships just don't work like this. Being in love with someone, caring deeply for them is a state where your relationship makes you stronger and better to able to deal with tragedies and setbacks.

Ladyinbrown · 06/08/2016 11:08

Apologies I only just saw your last post.

Original poster
brokenhearted88 · 06/08/2016 11:10

Patheticfallacy, we tried to do the same but kept ending up in the same pattern of talking all the time and me rearranging my life to come to see him and my career started to suffer. One of the reasons why we are NC is because that is the only way it can work. We don't seem to have the ability to not want to talk or see each other all the time.

OP posts:
Katy92 · 06/08/2016 11:15

Why do you feel 'you need to work on yourself' and that you can't do this with your boyfriend? You'd have a lot of free time to not be seeing each other so you'd still be able to do things you love? Heck, even if he was here you still should be able to?!

Being seperated by distance with give you the physical space but if he's hurting, and wants to talk to you, and you're hurting and want to talk to him- why would you not?

There are times when you really need to just cut someone off- ie you've had enough, they're abusive etc. But if you love someone and don't have that reason, I don't see why you should just cut them off.

Yes, maybe limited contact- being there if they need a shoulder to cry on, to talk to etc, few general texts?

My and my DP broke up when we'd only been together a few months as I hated uni and went back home for a gap year. It was hard to start with before I couldn't stay just for him, but I did care for him.... So anyway, a year long distance and us both spending a fortune or trains, I moved back in the September to do the course I actually had wanted. That was 6 yrs ago and we get married next year! I couldn't have ever 'cut him out', as I cared for him. We were both very honest and open when we were apart too, which helped I guess.

Original poster
brokenhearted88 · 06/08/2016 11:17

And actually I am the one who is doing NC. I know that if I were to call him right now he would answer and we would begin exactly where we left off. I think that part of what you are saying Lady is correct. There is no way that he has the emotional ability to be in the type of relationship that I was needing. Right now I am not sure of anything, other then that this is a painful time for us both and I hope we can get ourselves sorted out.

OP posts:
Nellyphants · 06/08/2016 11:20

I think for you to be happy you need to let him go.

Maybe in the future you'll get back who knows. On the meantime treat it as a break up.

Really you'll just torture yourself with this half thing. My own experience is that relationships with lots of soul searching are not good.

It's hard, you must think about yourself & just let it go.

Dozer · 06/08/2016 11:21

So he's away for 6 months then you'll be living in a similar location?

It's not at all negative to advise you to either seek to continue the relationship now, despite the current challenges, or accept it's over and that the future is uncertain but that it's unlikely you'll get back together. To talk about "time apart" and "on hold" is just unrealistic if you've split up and will prolong the pain.