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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help required

18 replies

Nowayout4me · 05/08/2016 15:01

How do you tell your wife that you have spent £35k of your house savings on online-gambling.

I have history in doing this before. I promised it wouldn't happen again. It has.

She reads this website every evening. I know that. Maybe she will read this post and ask to see the bank account.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
OutToGetYou · 05/08/2016 15:05

Well, no way to sugar coat it, you just tell her. And cross your fingers that her love is strong enough to provide some compassion which becomes support.

KarmaNoMore · 05/08/2016 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Nowayout4me · 05/08/2016 15:27

But she has been there for me when I did it before, and we somehow managed to get through it, she was amazing, although i realised that she was properly hurting inside so much.

I cant see a way through this

OP posts:
cantshakeitoff · 05/08/2016 15:38

Why did you do it? Stupid thing to do. The least you can do now is make sure you get help with your addiction.

cantshakeitoff · 05/08/2016 15:39

www.gamcare.org.uk

Lweji · 05/08/2016 15:50

What happened after the last time? How did you address it?

tornandhurt · 05/08/2016 16:11

I suspect you've posted on here, knowing she reads it, in the hope she does ask you rather than you having to raise the issue with her.

Are you getting any form of professional help for this?

Original poster
Nowayout4me · 05/08/2016 16:28

thats exactly why. I just can't bring myself to tell her. I just feel so sorry for her. None of this is her fault. Its pretty much our lives I have well and truly screwed over. Other than this were happy, and have been for 10 years.

And nope, I've not had any form of help. Im in a horrendous cycle and really wish for it to stop. Before, I wished for it to stop by me winning the money back. I realise that wont happen now and just want to stop and lead a normal life. But its really not about me at the moment.

I have a good, well paid job that is suffering. I literally spend all day behind my desk gambling and my performance has decreased.

Im so scared that i will lose her and then my job

OP posts:
MephistoMarley · 05/08/2016 16:37

Fuck sake. Be a man and tell her. Then help her extricate herself financially from you and protect whatever assets you have left by making it all over to her in the divorce. Then contact gamblers anonymous or whoever and get some help. You have an addiction but that doesn't mean you can't make a choice to address it.

Lweji · 05/08/2016 16:40

Well, book counselling, block all gambling sites, separate from her, let her find someone who doesn't squander money on gambling, and include the money you lost both times on your share of the assets (if there are any). You should only ruin your life not hers.

FuckyNell · 05/08/2016 16:41

You don't. You leave.

Lweji · 05/08/2016 16:44

BTW, why should she ask to see the bank account? Is it on your name only?

Myfathersglove · 05/08/2016 16:44

You can't change what's already done but, if you want to stand any chance of salvaging your relationship or your job, you have to get help to stop gambling. Only your wife can know whether she can forgive what you've done but there's unlikely to be even the tiniest chance if you don't show that you're doing everything you can to make sure this never happens again. Your commitment to beating your addiction will be what defines your future, whatever happens with your wife you will end up back here with that sick feeling in your stomach knowing you've fucked things up again if you don't get proper, sustained help with your gambling addiction.

Lweji · 05/08/2016 16:46

You could let her control all the finances. Why isn't she in control after the first time?

KittyKrap · 05/08/2016 16:46

If this is true then do something about it now. Before she comes home.

Block yourself from every site.
Call GA.
Give ALL your cards to your wife - if she wants to stay with you - who can give you a limited fund for travel, coffees.
Hand over your phone and laptop, she needs to rebuild trust, again if she's going to stay.

It's not up to her to rescue you.

Desmondo2016 · 05/08/2016 18:50

Please update us

loveyoutothemoon · 05/08/2016 19:00

What a sleazy way of going about it. You're waiting for her to read the post? Grow up!

MatildaTheCat · 05/08/2016 19:32

Grow up. Tell her and apologise with all your heart. Get straight into a recovery programme and go every single day if necessary. Do this even if she throws you out which is fairly likely.

IF she gives you another chance make sure you simply have no access to money and cannot fall into this again. And be very mindful that many addicts replace one vice with another.

Posting on here for her to see is possibly one of the twattiest actions I have ever seen. Poor woman. Tell her immediately and take the consequences.

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