6 months of LC with sibling. Having a wobble.

[user1469549964]

I decided to go LC with sibling after realizing how unwelcome they made me and my family feel when we visited. Sibling insisted that our elderly parents move up north to her and so I only see them at least four times a year. I speak to parents every other day though. When we travelled up, sibling would always veto going out for a meal, they have to control everything, and then it would feel like they couldn't wait to get rid.

After a lot of soul searching and talking to DH, I decided to go LC. Looking through texts, emails, whatsapp etc it's me that keeps lines of communications open. I have managed to go six months. Its broken my heart at times, especially when I see how my friends are close to their siblings.

I caved last night and looked at siblings social media. I saw they had been quite close to the area I live, they didn't contact me to meet up for lunch. Then I see pictures of my sibling with their inlaws saying how they are like a sibling to them. I am absolutely distraught.

I can't dump this on my parents, they are elderly and not in particularly good health. I don't know what to do.

Why can't u visit your parents without seeing your sibling? Block the social media /close.

Sorry I'm not sure what LC means. Is there a reason you choose not to be assertive about your wishes for things to do when visiting your parents? Could you not take them out to lunch separately when visiting? Is there something in the history you share with your sibling that has given them the upper hand in the relationship or made for a distorted power imbalance?

My parents like to have us all together when we go up. If I close /block the social media, sibling will drag parents into this. I am very conscious of what limited time I have with parents, I don't want them to know how badly I feel.

What's LC

What's LC

Cinnabun my sibling has a very forceful personality and I guess I have always caved to them growing up. Looking back, there was a lot of emotional bullying: I will never be good enough, they are better at X,Y and Z. Their childhood was pretty much idyllic but our dad lost his business when I was small so I grew up on benefits, had to get a job to go through college etc. I am not resentful of my childhood, I had a loving and safe environment from my parents. I appreciate the work ethic that I had to have and all I achieved from it. I just don't understand why we are now adults they are being so petulant and childish with me.

TBH, as soon as I mention to my parents that I am visiting they must tell my sibling and then they start with the planning of what is convenient to them.

Low contact

Just turn up one day. Say your phone is broken so u couldn't contact sibling. They dont have sole ownership of your parents!

You can't ditch your siblings and then be annoyed when your space is filled by someone else. You can't have it both ways, they're either good enough for you or they're not. It's not fair to play "now you are, now you're not" with other people's feelings. You have your own valid reasons for your choice but don't forget that your sibling is a person too.

I agree flying elbows. However, I went LC to see of my sibling would notice yes, I went all out teenager they haven't. That is hurtful too. Its like I and my family have been written out of their history.

Just speak to your parents and say not to mention your visit to your sibling? Are they afraid of them or something?

My parents? No, just afraid of upsetting them.

Well it does suck doesn't it? You know the lay of the land so to speak, so it is your choice to endure it to see your parents or not. It is a high price to pay (either way). Since you know what the dynamic is and understand that you can not change it, you can perhaps approach it with a more meaningful level of emotional detachment. It is up to you to decide and you also need to have a strategy of emotional detoxing to recover from the visits if you do go (maybe half as often as you used to?).

Stay off of social media. It will only hurt you.

Concentrate on your own lovely family. Extended families are nice if it works but hell if it doesn't...and it doesn't work for everyone. I try to be happy for the folks that have it: at least someone does.