Is this abuse?

[Wantachange]

Please can anyone help me make up my mind? My husband has always been a yeller, first at me, then he stopped that after some years, but now at the children almost every day. He is impatient and bad tempered with them. He has occasionally, but not every week, grabbed my son hard. This week he threatened to drag him upstairs by the head. It's really bothering me, but I don't know whether it's enough to count as abuse or just bad parenting. My children say the worst thing about their dad is the shouting, but I know a lot of parents shout at their children when they are at the end of their tether.

Yes.

I wouldn't like this, and I think it is a form of abuse if he is 'grabbing your son hard'

the threats would also really bother me.

how old is your son? that sounds scary for an adult, let alone a little boy.

Yes it is abuse. And you need to stop it. Grabbing your son 'hard', threatening to drag him upstairs... how long before he takes this further?

This sort of behaviour is very damaging to children (and wives / partners).

a lot of parents shout at their children when they are at the end of their tether
This is what you focus on here.
Yes, when they have been pushed and pushed and are sleep deprived and left to do everything.
NOT every day!
You are letting your children be shouted at all the time.
That is NOT OK I'm afraid.
It will certainly have long term damaging affects.
What is your situation?
Can you talk to your DH?
Would he agree to some anger management?
I'd have been out of there long ago.

I worry that if I leave he would have some unrestricted access to kids rather than me being there to get in between them.

He probably will get unmonitored access to them; but at least you will have taken a stand to show them this behaviour is wrong. Staying just teaches them it is ok to be treated like that.
If you continue to allow it, someone will point the finger at you at some point, saying you are just as bad for allowing it.
Don't mean to sound harsh. Years of experience.

he yells at the children almost every day and 'occasionally' grabs your son hard but not every week!!

Sorry but that is incredibly abusive and horrific for your poor son. Your husband shouldn't need to yell almost every day.

Sounds like you're inured to it and cannot see how bad it actually is OP.

He might get unsupervised access if he wants it.

But the rest of the time your children would be free of the abuse and will know it is wrong to treat them this way. They would have less abuse in their lives.

At the moment your presence is not protecting them at all. Sorry to be frank but you're in denial a bit if you think you are protecting them. Actually, you are showing them they have no choice.

You're afraid he'll abuse them more if he has them alone. But what if he doesn't want access (I wouldn't encourage it)? Or he only sees them for a few days a fortnight and you've made it clear shouting and grabbing is unacceptable and you'll stop visits if it happens? The abuse will reduce from daily to perhaps only once a fortnight or less. Or none at all.

That said NONE of this is your fault in the slightest. But you have a duty to protect them by removing them from the situation

My husband used to yell at me and the kids too. He thought yelling was the only way to get us to listen to him.As the children got bigger we learned to stand up to him. Now my son is 6 ft 2 inches 13 stone he just looks down on his Dad and says " dad stop yelling, do you know how ridiculous you sound?"

Don't put up with it tell him it is completely out of order and if you think it is going to get worse get out of the relationship.