Help please, don't know what to do

[Woodman2007]

I have discovered this morning that my husband has been having an affair. Found a load of texts on his phone this morning to confirm. I have suspected for a while but could never definitely prove anything. He told me a couple of weeks ago that he wanted a separation because he didn't love me and had feelings for someone else. But has since assured me he is not leaving me for her but because he needs time and space to think about how he feels about everything. Has always said he wasn't sure if it was a temporary or permanent split. I have managed to get copies of most of the messages but not all but have enough to prove he is up to no good. He is even planning a holiday with her. We have two DC, 4 and 8. I don't know what I should do know. Confront him that I know? Try and get more proof?

Why do you need more proof?

Because I thought I had proof before and was told it was just inappropiate sexual messages. Worried he might try and talk his way out of it.

You have your proof. It's up to you what you do next either throw him out or give him an ultimatum or ignore what's going on.
Your mind is going to be all over the place a day it's better to think with a clear head so maybe start on thinking how you can achieve that.
So sorry you are married to a rat xx

Thanks. Mind definitely is all over the place. Want to cry one minute then be really spiteful the next. Was so close to trying to find a way to let everyone know about it when I first found out. The OW is someone who works for him.

You might want to get your finances sorted. If he is separating from you you should agree what will happen regarding housing, money, child care and benefits. I suggest that a visit to a solicitor might be to your benefit.

Can you talk to a friend about it? Such a horrible time for you x

Spoken to some friends who are very much not sure what to do either. Think what bothers me more is not that he is having an affair (since I already knew deep down he was) but that he just won't admit to it. Every time I have tried to discuss my suspicions he somehow manages to turn it around on me that I am just being too paranoid etc. Feel like he is constantly blaming me for everything. I think even if I confront him with the little I do have he still won't admit it he'll come up with more excuses. It's like he wants us to split without admitting it then that way it will come across as we split up because we weren't getting on rather than admit it then everyone will see it as his fault. Don't think he wants to admit to all family and friends that he caused the marriage to fall apart.

Chances are he probably never admit to it. Mine didn't. You know now so you have a choice to make whether you want to stay with this man or make a life for yourself and your children. You deserve better than to live like this.

Think your right Chocolate123 I think I will struggle to get him to admit. Definitely don't see a way back from this. And I think he is leaving me for her anyway based on the messages I saw.
He hasn't moved out yet. But he is looking for somewhere to rent.

At least if he moves out you will get the space you need to sort your head out. It's a tough road ahead so very important to look after yourself.

Why does he need to admit it, just tell him you don't want to be with him anymore, it's not like you are only allowed to leave if you can prove he cheated? Screen shot the texts and send them to your phone.

They never admit it Woodman, or they only admit as much as you can prove, nothing more.

Please don't waste your precious energy trying to prove or understand anything he has done. He has made it clear that he is weighing up his options. Take one of them away and take back the power for yourself.

He doesn't get to choose you - if you start with the 'pick me dance' you will end up demeaning yourself and compromising yourself to try and make him choose you. Take any reconciliation off the table and send him packing. He has shown where his interests lie and you deserve better.

Make sure you get copies of financial paperwork etc so that when it comes to living as a single parent you know what you are entitled to from him and in the form of tax credits etc.

The best revenge is to live a happy life without him. While it may seem unlikely at the moment, you can live a happy life without this man. He can still be a good dad to your DCs.

If you decide that you do want to stay with him then this is also the best way to achieve that. Cheaters tend to want what they can't have, they don't want the easy, simple, uncomplicated relationship they already have - they want the thrill of the chase. While I don't recommend the split as a means to get him back, making yourself unavailable will really focus his mind and show him what he has to lose.

What happens after this is up to you. Good luck

Sorry to hear this OP. He's mentally checked out & moved on & sadly won't give a toss about being honest with you. You're not his priority.

Just feels such a waste for him to throw our 17 years together (married 9) away over someone who is over a decade younger than him. He will eventually lose all respect from his kids and has already lost it from the few friends that know about it.

Have screenshots of the texts so can back it up. Certainly not planning on doing the 'pick me' thing. Have had enough. Just wish he was man enough to to admit it. Have got some advice so have idea where I stand financially at least.

It's not a waste of 17 years, those are now in the past and you will (eventually) remember the good times. I was with my ex H for 35 years, he was a serial cheat throughout those years, cheated on the woman he broke the family up over, married a girl younger than our only AC, has cheated on her...I could go on but it's not worth it! Get him out, get financially sorted, get on with your own life. It will be so much better.

Oh, and he never admitted anything either till there was absolutely no way he could lie his way out of it

You Don't need him to admit it - you know and that's all that matters.

You need to start calling the shots now about what you want not what he wants.

I think you are best of assuming the absolute worse.

He is going to leave you while he tries out her on a more permanent basis.

He is then going to divorce you and marry her after denying it until the cows come home.

He is way ahead of you in the what's next game, time to catch up.

So battle stations:

Keep shtum
Make an appointment with a couple of lawyers. Ask for recommendations.

While waiting for appointments:

Find all legal and financial docs
Mortgage, salaries, pensions etc

Get yours and kids passports and birth certificates
Keep these all out of the house somewhere he doesn't have access

Get legal advice

Decide what you want in terms of child sharing. Minimum for him is likely to be every other weekend, one mid week night. Your kids are old enough for this. Possibly 1/2 the holidays. Work out what will suit you and your job. If you don't have one start looking.

Decide what is acceptable in terms of the house.

Then when you have armed yourself tell him how it's going to be. Take back the control and power.

IME coming back from cheating is nigh on impossible. But you can do all the other stuff even if your not sure.

The pick me dance is a guaranteed waste of time and a total humiliation.

You don't need him to admit it. You know. Tell him you know and he is following the cheaters script of denial and gaslighting you.

Get yourself a lawyer and file for divorce. He can see the reality of what his choice is.

Don't hide his affair. Let his parents know. Tell them who it is before he says he just asked for space then you ended it. That's a typical cheater move.

Get tested for Std's.

Is he self employed? If not most companies don't allow a boss to have a relationship with his subordinate.

Get yourself the best financial deal in a divorce. Use what you can as leverage don't keep his affair as a secret where you need support. The shame and consequences are his.

Don't take any bull or blame from him.

The 180 at the link below will help you move forward and have a good life without him.

healinginfidelity.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-180-for-unfaithful-spouse.html?m=1

An update
So I didn't confront him about the messages I saw. I did however take it a step further partly because I knew what he would say about the messages I found i.e. shouldn't have been on his phone and they don't necessarily mean he is having an affair (even though they are quite clearly talking about sex with each other). So I hired private investigator for Sunday - caught him lying since he told me he was at a work thing in one place but in reality he was at a train station somewhere else picking her up and then taking her back to her place. Unfortunately they couldn't get pictures of them but basically said the way they were interacting suggested they were having a romantic relationship. He now knows I have this information as well as seeing his messages. I asked him yesterday to not come home which he didn't last night (he wasn't meant to be, supposedly on night out but in reality think he was with her) but is insisting he will be home tonight since it is his home too. Know I can't stop him from coming into home and I am hoping he is very close to moving to his rental anyway. My question is, does anyone know if I could get into trouble for going into his phone and copying messages - is it illegal, is it the same as hacking? I did know his passcode for the phone since he told me but don't know if I could get into trouble?

Jesus, he has some nerve eh, conducting his seedy affair right under your nose, personally I'd not have spent a penny trying to get proof, you already had it, he's just binding his time to fuck off - if he does come back then please make his life a misery and do not listen to any more of his lies, get seeing a solicitor pronto and get your ducks in a row - you need to get a step in front OP.

Thanks adora. Not even considering entertaining his lies. Best bit is he has essentially said that the reason he started a relationship with her is my fault. Apparently me being suspicious of his 'friendship' with her pushed him to her. What a load of c**p!

They ALL say that, they will look for the tiniest thing from memory to blame you for their shit behaviour, otherwise they'd have to admit to themselves that they are a cunt.