Why do I get so irritated with my Mum?

[Flushedwithsomething]

I live overseas and don't see my Mum that often, maybe two to three times a year. When we are apart I miss her terribly but after a day or so in her company I am behaving like a stroppy teen! She is quite a micro manager (for example, last night she told me several times not to forget to put my dishwasher on...)and living away from family I am used to doing everything for the DCs myself so I often struggle to accept help. Any advise for making our time together more harmonious?!

Have you tried talking with her, or does she just ignore.

Your annoyed she treats you like a teen so respond by acting like a teen.
You need to stop responding to her as a teen and act like an adult. You need to redefine the mum/child relationship as with living apart it hasn't naturally moved on as it needs to esp when the child is a parent themselves.

Isthis, I know, I just seem to go into autopilot teen mode when she is around. I want to stop and mull it over every time she is gone. I just don't know how to stop the feelings of irritation!

Buttered we haven't talked about the whole issue, no. I gueas neither of us wants a fight when we get so little time together so we tiptoe around each other. I will say things like "yes, Mum of course I won't forget" the she will remind me again and I start to get stroppy! She is lovely but (for example) really dominates her brother, SIL and sister. She basically runs all their interactions.

I would think that you do not want a fight with your mother because you do not want to confront or have any sort of confrontation (you probably would come off far worse from same). You have also seen at first hand how domineering she is over other people and she tries to be domineering to you as well. Her micro managing actions stem from anxiety as well as wanting power and control. People like your mother are infact not lovely at all. I would also think your mother has no friends or any sort of a social life.

I would suggest you read "When you and your mother cannot be friends" written by Rebecca Secunda.

It is not your fault that your mother is like this; you did not make her this way. Her own family of origin did that to her.

Thank you Atila. I do think she is lovely and has a good heart, but yes she came from a difficult family (both parents alcoholic) and is married to a very challenging man. Food for thought, I will look at the book. She will never change, I know that.

In your mother's case her own chaotic childhood likely led her into the arms of this "challenging" man. She has likely never wanted to address the issues stemming from her own chaotic childhood.

As I have already mentioned it is not your fault your mother is the ways she is; you did not make her that way. I would try and further reinforce and raise your own boundaries as to what is and is not acceptable from your mother re her behaviours. You are correct in one important respect in that she will not change. However, you can change how you react to her.

Yes. This exactly. They should have divorced years ago, he is emotionally abusive and I have never seen thembe in any way loving to each other. Mum once said that she fell for his family, not him. He is my Dad btw but I seem to have been able to put him aside and stop reacting as you say. I feel very detatched from him and tolerate him for her sake only. But I can't stop reacting to her, I need to. Crikey this thread has gone deeper than I anticipated.

*Hehehe this is strange, what makes you up set with her?

Try to start learning how to love you mum again.

And to all the parents searching for best names for their babies, I highly recommend Babynology, the site provides all*

What the fuck?

Well what the fuck indeed. Thank you for all the helpful comments!

I have a difficult relationship with my mum - she still treats me like a teenager and often tries to act like a mother to my children.

I had counselling (ostensibly for other reasons) which helped me a in a lot of ways and basically made me re frame how I interact and react to her.

Now, if she goes down the route of telling me what to do etc, I know she is trying to be helpful and rather than kneejerk reaction of a strop, I say something like I've heard her. If she repeats, I repeat that I heard her, thanks, and not to worry, I will remember (or whatever). If she says it again, I make a joke about it. I try and act how I would if it was an unrelated adult saying this to me - polite but firm.

Hope this makes sense. It's hard getting out of the cycle of teenage behaviour because it is such a well worn groove. But it's really worth while getting out of it.

That is exactly what I need to do, I m going to save your post and keep rereading it! She is very intense about my DC and often won't listen to me about them (eg she just won't accept that DD is a picky eater) - so yes she tries to be Mum to them too which undermines me. Thank you.

I was going to say much the same. Think about your responses since you can't change her.

So for the dishwasher example how about, 'Yep, thanks mum, I've got it, no need to remind me.' In relation to picky eating maybe you don't engage or just say, 'well she seems picky to me.' And whenever possible say it with a smile. I suffer with intense irritation with both my dm and DMIL at times - may say something about me- and it's all about managing myself really.

Could you turn it into a joke. I don't know how l manage to remember the dishwasher mom when you're half way across the world. Or in a fake growly voice say Stop telling me what to do but keep it light. My kids do that last one to me and it makes me laugh but l get the message loud and clear.