Ex H not agreeing to see DD

[Needclearhead]

I've been separated for two years & have 4 yo DD. Ex doesn't work & I work full time. Ex has DD one night a week & switches them when he wants but doesn't agree to my switches. We haven't divorced & there is no set arrangements but he is just obstructive to any of my request. Namely this weekend, he said he couldn't have DD this evening when I've seen that he is actually home (said he was away). Annoyingly, I have v little support (& no family support) so end up just agreeing to his switches just to give me a night off & save babysitting. Ex isn't committing to helping out with school pick up (starts September) says if & when he gets a job he would never be able to help anyway. Any pointers on how to help with difficult people....

I would not want him to see her to much. I know it is important for the child to have contact with their dad, but what kind of relationship they are going to build if he actually is not interested in seeing her? How sad!
Quality time with the father is important, but to force it is impossible. It doesn't sound like he is offering her quality time together. I may be wrong though.
If it is the minimum he wants, I would give him the minimum and nothing else.
Does your economy allow you to pay someone to help you to pick her up at school and these things?

Thanks v much for your comments. I've had to pay for nursery costs since day & put a roof over our heads but by god it's tough, no respite. That's what I love about my 'nights off' and I have no idea how I'm ever meant to sustain a relationship of any kind when I'm busting my backside from work (in city), home life & kinda attempting get on with my life too.

Get divorced and have visitation agreed through the court system or is there a reason you haven't divorced yer?

He really doesn't sound useful so I can see why he's your Ex.

Not divorced as solicitor said to wait until he gets a job, it's been over two years. Plus I'm not from uk so solicitor said if you want to go home then most likely there will be battle. I just haven't had energy for battle nor divorce paper work. Even if we did have visitation rights, my bi polar ex , probably wouldn't do his part and as no money involved there will be no skin off his nose. How on earth do single mother (ie father not present) do it??

I just read my terrible english on the comment. Sorry about that.

Yes I've been here . I had two children and absolutely no support , but importantly HE KNEW THAT and used it , he controlled me by seeing the children as and when he wanted and it never got better just worse , but over time the children grew and knew he was unreliable and we all decided not to continue seeing him , of course he tells the usual " she's controlling , she won't let me see the kids" card but actually we couldn't be happier , we are finally free from control and live a calm peaceful life , it's great and we enjoy the peace . The facts are he's a lazy controlling horrible man and you don't want that in her life x

On a practical level could you consider an au pair? I had au pairs when a single mum and it was brill, support for school pick ups and babysitting.They became like a family member and still in contact over 15 years later.

Thanks all, yes controlling xh, for sure. I'm in two bed place currently renting, not sure if I should move to bigger 3br rented place, buy, where this would be, or move countries. Yes, I'm clearly confused about where I'm headed although there's no clear advantage/benefit for me living close to an unreliable exh (father of my DD). I'm finding it difficult to make the next 'big' decision when I don't seem to have a large pull/reason to be in any particular location. My DD will be going to new childminder, new school & thinking to myself why here for putting roots down. Thanks for listening, these life decisions are tough!!

Ummm... User146... what are you on about?

And I have no advice from previous experience to offer but it sounds like your exH is doing you a favour by avoiding seeing your DD. You don't want her to learn his awful behaviour. Maybe enroll her on a weekend activity to give you a couple of hours off? She'll make friends at school and they can have play dates at each others' houses, so as long as you are willing to reciprocate, you can have a little time off then too. I hope it gets better for you.

I wouldn't ask or rely on him for anything that way you don't get let down ( I've learnt that!).

I'd tell him contact days are X day and if he doesn't see her then no alternative will be offered.

You need routine and consistency for you and your DD.

You need to arrange a regular contact schedule. He needs to have DD on a set day, and contact CMS about maintenance. Even the pittance he'd be paying from OOW benefits would be something.

TBH I think you just need to discount him altogether in any future plans He isn't interested in having a relationship with his DD which is heartbreaking.

I would look at moving either home if you would then get family support or to a less expensive area so you could accommodate and au pair.

With these types you'll just have to accept that he's not going to be supportive. I have no support and it's hard but nowhere as difficult, as having to rely on a flakey individual who doesn't see the wellbeing of their child as a priority,

Play the long game by initiating divorce proceedings now and formalising contact. If he fails to live up to contact agreements then it will count against him if later you decide to apply to the courts (if he refuses permission) to return to your home country.

As frustrating as his flakiness is for you it will be a lot worse for your child and therefore formalising contact will be in their best interest.

All really useful comments, thanks. Yes by the sound of things must instigate divorce (regardless of xh having no income, solicitors originally advised to put on hold) & put steps in place to leave this area. Yes, we have mummy friends and playmates but I'm working so much we rarely see them anyway. I'm beginning to realise that my life would be far better off just my & DD , rather than with flakey xh

keep a record of contact offered and contact accepted.

single parents either work and buy in as much help as they can afford or manage on very little with very little support. and it is bloody hard. (non working single parent with two with additional needs, am in awe of you managing to work) we manage. just. some thrive.

I do wonder if it may be better for you to relocate etc. before divorcing - at the moment you are free to travel the world with your DD without him needing to give permission etc as there are no contact arrangements and you are not divorced. Why spend money on the divorce unless it's an advantage to you, after 2 years separation it would stupid of him to contest it but they will want contact arrangements sorted and finances sorted.

Allow him to switch contact if it works for you but if it doesn't just pat out the "that doesn't work for us" line and try and create as much distance from him as possible as I do think the moving is about still trying to control you.

Just stop.

Assume he's non existent. Don't involve him in anything, don't offer, don't ask. Just let him go.

Do what you gotta do. Sod him.

If he fails to do his bit, if you do decide to go "home" he won't have much of a case for prohibitive steps order, will he?

Can I ask what the reasoning is behind a solicitor advising to wait to divorce due to ex having no income?

Even though they are not divorced she is not entitled to travel the world or abroad anywhere, let alone relocate with a child without the permission of all those with Parental Responsibility (he has it due to marriage) or by order of a court.

Just stop asking him , I know it's difficult but I've been all through this . Just gradually pull away and let him come to you if he wants to see your daughter.
If he asks you to swop nights say no and stick to it. My ex only sees our daughter now infrequently and she is the first thing he will cancel if he gets a better offer.
He doesn't deserve her and neither does your ex xx

Thanks for all your comments. It's been super helpful and I really appreciate. The reason the solicitor have was increase in their fees, as I have the option to 1) divorce now & xh won't have to pay maintenance as not earning then revisit solicitors once xh gets job or 2) divorce once he get a job which would be reduced fees as doing all in one go.

Re maintenance..If he gets a job ( mine has been 7 years without a job )you can got to CMS.. You can open up a claim now..It will cost £20 and I think you will get £7 a week through them..I get £5 through CSA..

I would tell him contact is on .... day ..No changes..It is great if parents mutually support changes but this isn't happening.. Also keep a note of any contact he doesn't agree to and reasons why not

I think there is such a pressure on RP to keep a relationship with NRP... Of course with no abuse there shouldn't be obstructions however you are not the dads parent and you don't have to cajole him to be a parent.

I have done it on my own since DS was a baby it is tough..It really does get easier as they get older. I had a headache this afternoon but my DS has been out to a party so I got an hours sleep before I got on.

Thanks so much for comments, it's been v useful getting an impartial view & first hand advice from you all