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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Non commital man

16 replies

helene78 · 15/07/2016 20:03

I've been with my partner for 2 and a half years, he's a good man who i love and adore. We have a baby together! When we first met things were great, however he never introduced me to his family....who i still have not met. When he went to see them hed cut all contact with me. He only told them about me when i was pregnant a year after we first met.
He used to cook, take me out, talk and we enjoyed spending time with each other. Then he slowly started to spend more and more time on his phone, it got so bad hed be on it for up to 10 hrs a day, ignoring me.
Our son was born and he had not contributed to anything he needed leaving me to buy cot, pram ect and he never paid anything towards his son being around until i kicked up a fuss six months after he was born. He would spend every weekend away, go off with his daughter from first marriage taking her camping, staying in hotels, cinema, take out all weekend, he never invited me to spend time with them., he'd leave me alone with baby all the time, which is fine as i can cope and enjoy being with my son. My partner was not interested in the baby yet told everyone he was excited and happy. Time has gone on and i hoped we get a mortgage and buy a house together, get married...... However he continues on his phone for ridiculous amount if time knowing it upsets me, he failed to get a mortgage and not because he cant afford it but because he wont make cut backs, save money or spend time putting into our family future. My partner pays a ridiculous amount of CSA for his daughter and tells me he wont reduce this even though CSA have said he can reduce by £200 a month. He says he does not want to effect the quality if her life. Yet he could save the equivilant of a morgaGe payment a month if hed reduce CSA for daughter by 200 and move in with me ( something daughter would also benifit from if my partner got mortgage with me,as this would provide secure family environment for her too). Partner would not have to pay for our baby if we lived together and would save with the small reducetion to the daughter. He told me he was going to start saving money back in December yet he has saved nothing to date. So i have now as a lone parent got a mortgage and i save money to pay for everything. My partner is earning 8 Times what i bring home. Is it me or is my partner not willing to save money, make cut backs as hed rather live single life and favour daughter rather than live with me and be a family for our son and his daughter Something that would benefit all of us????

OP posts:

bluecashmere · 15/07/2016 20:20

Sounds like you're fighting a losing battle. And it doesn't sound like he's a 'good man'! LTB and he'll have to pay for your child too.

ChicRock · 15/07/2016 20:25

These threads always start with "he's a good man..."

Don't have any more children with him.

Go back to full time work.

Get your own place.

Claim via the CMS for maintenance for your child.

Jemmima · 15/07/2016 20:25

I don't think he is really committed to you. If he was you would know it. You say you haven't met his family. He isn't living with you and doesn't seem to have any intention to do so. Sorry but he sounds like he is biding his time with you. You can do better

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 15/07/2016 20:34

Im so sorry to say this but what is he bringing to the relationship? it doesnt seem like the actions of someone who wants a future with you

TheMorningAfterTheNightBefore · 15/07/2016 20:35

People will keep bringing babies into these sham 'relationships'...

This man is not your 'partner' in any sense of the word.

TheMorningAfterTheNightBefore · 15/07/2016 20:36

He doesn't sound like my definition of 'a good man' either.

TheMorningAfterTheNightBefore · 15/07/2016 20:38

Or a 'family'.

Resilience16 · 15/07/2016 20:39

Can you tell me what his good points are as I'm failing to see them in your post?
My betting is he is still with the mother of his daughter (or someone else, hence all those hours on his phone),which is why he doesn't want to move in with you, or get a mortgage with you or introduce you to his daughter. These are all things he would be doing if he was serious about having a relationship with you.
Get your head out of the sand. You and your son deserve better than this.

pinkyredrose · 15/07/2016 20:40

You have a very skewed idea of a good man. For whatever reason he isn't that interested in you or your baby. How long you put up with it is up to you but surely you and your baby deserve someone in your lives that loves and cherishes you and has your best interests at heart?

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 15/07/2016 20:46

Non commital man, to put it bluntly he's a bum. He's no good at all as far as I see. You and your child deserve better, you really do.

SandyY2K · 15/07/2016 21:13

I'm also not seeing how he's a good man TBH.

How do you know he's really told them about you if you've never met them?
What kind of a family don't show any interest in seeing their grandchild or nephew?

Are you sure he's divorced ....have you seen proof? He keeps you very seperate from the rest of his life and yet you still stay with him.

Sorry to be blunt .... but he doesn't love you and that's why he doesn't want to get entangled in a mortgage or live with you. He doesn't need to spell it out .... you can see from his actions.

I believe you're wasting your time with him and should cut your losses. You can do much better than him.

Smorgasboard · 15/07/2016 23:05

Sorry, but based on his lack of interest in your DS, and the amount of time he's on the phone, there is no way he is, spending every weekend camping and in hotels with his DD - that's obviously just what he tells you. Surely you must of considered this, I mean, every weekend! Always overnight?
Time you got your head out of the sand and at least claim your due share of maintenance.

SandyY2K · 15/07/2016 23:54

Take note of your own words OP.

he never introduced me to his family....who i still have not met.

When he went to see them hed cut all contact with me.

He only told them about me when i was pregnant a year after we first met.
Then he slowly started to spend more and more time on his phone,

it got so bad hed be on it for up to 10 hrs a day, ignoring me

Our son was born and he had not contributed to anything he needed

He would spend every weekend away, go off with his daughter from first marriage taking her camping, staying in hotels, cinema, take out all weekend, he never invited me to spend time with them.

He'd leave me alone with baby all the time,

My partner was not interested in the baby

he continues on his phone for ridiculous amount if time knowing it upsets me,

Is it me

No. It's him.

He'd rather live single life

Yes he would.

rather than live with me and be a family for our son

Nothing he has said or done would lead to this conclusion.

Looking back at the bolded - please tell me what it is you love and adore about him? Or what exactly makes him a good man? Because I'm not seeing it.

Claim your rightful amount of child support and get rid.

and his daughter Something that would benefit all of us?

MollyTwo · 16/07/2016 05:36

How utterly foolish do you have to be to see something was wrong from the start. You have never met his family, yet go on to have a baby with him.? Then have hopes and dreams of getting a mortgage with him? Really? You need to wake up and stop being a mug.

Isetan · 16/07/2016 09:15

You can not change him, this is who he is, accept it (not recommended) or move on (recommended). The question isn't 'why is he like this?' but 'why the hell do I put up with it?

Handwringing is not an effective solution for dealing with a disinterested man, distancing yourself is.

user1467709068 · 16/07/2016 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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