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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OLD question

25 replies

Hueandcry · 11/07/2016 11:08

I know there's a whole thread about old but just want a quick answer to this as I don't know what's normal any more due to previous abusive relationship. Met a guy last week, got chatting & met up on Saturday. I really liked him so texted when I got home & he replied saying he'd like to see me again soon. Great. Since then nothing. Is this normal? Am I being silly to get anxious about this after 2 days?

OP posts:

ravenmum · 11/07/2016 11:17

Maybe he is waiting for you to do something, too? How about texting and asking him to go somewhere with you, see if he really is interested or was just being polite?

ReallyNoEyeDeer · 11/07/2016 11:22

Yes you are being silly to get that anxious.

I'd give it a week and if you haven't heard from him by then, then write it off or if you don't mind chasing yourself, give him a call.

Plenty of men operate a "3 day rule" anyway - not wanting to appear too keen which they think (often rightly) is a turn off for women.

Original poster

Hueandcry · 11/07/2016 11:32

Ok I didn't know about the 3 day rule. Thanks

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 11/07/2016 11:52

I think texting is 2 way. As the person who sent the last text, he may, as I would be thinking, it's your turn. I wouldn't chase an unanswered text

Montane50 · 11/07/2016 22:43

The 3 day rule is total bollocks and an excuse for poor behaviour -start as you mean to go on, set your cards on the table and don't partake in game playing. On this occasion, you contacted him after the date,;he said yea 'soon' hes probably hedging his bets in case he gets a better offer. Don't be anyones plan b, find a man who has you as plan a

donajimena · 11/07/2016 22:46

What montane said. With bells on.

Original poster

Hueandcry · 11/07/2016 22:52

I don't think he's a hedging his bets kind of guy but then again what do I know? As I said my "normal" radar is probably a bit off due to past experience

OP posts:

mushroomsontoast · 11/07/2016 22:54

If he sent the last text then maybe he's waiting for you to reply? I would just send him a casual text asking how his week's going or something.

donajimena · 12/07/2016 07:19

Trust me if he REALLY liked you he would have arranged that second date.
This is the voice of bitter experience..

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 12/07/2016 07:21

Tbh when a man wants to see you again he usually suggests it before you leave. You need a thick skin for OLD

BitOutOfPractice · 12/07/2016 07:29

Sadly yes it's very common for men to say theyd like to see you again, make all the right noises then just disappear off the face of the earth. Ghosting I believe it's called

rjay123 · 12/07/2016 07:38

What's to stop the opposite being true Dona, "if you had REALLY liked him you would have arranged a second date."

Just text him OP. Stop beating yourself up about it and just bite the bullet

HandyWoman · 12/07/2016 08:01

Hmm the way I read it, I think the word 'soon' makes it a bit of a lacklustre response tbh.

On that basis I'd leave the ball in his court. But if you don't hear within a week I'd write him off. He may come back to you at a later date, but this would probably indicate you're a Plan B.

BitOutOfPractice · 12/07/2016 08:02

AIBU to think that all the people saying "just ring him" and "three day rule" etc haven't done OLD or any dating recently?

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 12/07/2016 08:11

Could be right there
Dating rules have moved all the way on

Trills · 12/07/2016 08:15

when a man wants to see you again he usually suggests it before you leave.

Not in my experience.

And I would not like that.

Other than a vague "see you soon" at the end.

I would not like to be put on the spot like that.

sooperdooper · 12/07/2016 08:29

If you want to see him again just text him or ring him, it's not up to him to decide if and when you meet up, this is 2016, take control of things yourself!

The three day rule thing is utter bollocks and unhelpful all round and encourages women to sit about passively waiting for blokes to get their shit in order, what nonsense

BitOutOfPractice · 12/07/2016 08:30

Yes, text him and suggest meeting again. He will either text back or not then you know. I suspect he won't though.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 12/07/2016 09:47

Just text him asking if he fancies meeting up again this Friday/whenever, if he is keen he will say yes or at the very least offer you an alternative time.

Seriously with OLD you need to be proactive and take the lead, don't waste weeks waiting for emails and texts. Unfortunately it is a numbers game and it is not uncommon to have a few irons in the fire so to speak.

Annoyingly there are a number of people, both men and women, who insist on playing games or adhering to some daft rules, if you sense that is the case just move on and save yourself a heap of hassle.

Original poster

Hueandcry · 12/07/2016 17:38

Well he texted me late last night & he's not playing games he's just been busy

OP posts:

Original poster

Hueandcry · 12/07/2016 17:41

Dating rules have moved all the,way on - what does this even mean???? Someone needs to explain ' the rules ' to me - please?

OP posts:

Trills · 12/07/2016 20:00

Anyone who tells you there are rules is lying.

There could only be rules if everyone agreed on them.

mushroomsontoast · 12/07/2016 20:03

There are no rules! And all this "if he really liked you he would text straight away" stuff... In my experience the ones who are too full on too quickly are the ones to be wary of.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 14/07/2016 11:53

Telling someone shortly after a date that you enjoyed their company and would like to meet again is hardly being 'too full on'. Sure if he starts taking about marriage and the names of the future children you are going to have by date two then by all means run for the hills.

Trills

Just because there is not a single set of dating rules that has been universally adapted by everyone does not mean that people don't adopt strategies that they think will enhance their chances of a positive outcome. Equally third parties can look on these rules and see them as either wise or batshit crazy.

The 'don't appear too keen' rule seemed popular with a sizeable minority of women when I was online dating, often to the point of self harming their dating chances. I had a number of first dates that I thought went very well only to have my follow up texts/calls seeking a second date ignored. Slightly disappointed I concluded that despite my initial impressions the women were not interested in me so I moved on only to get an email several days later asking why had not been touch. When pointing out that my attempts at contact had been ignored I was informed that it was 'expected' to try several times before being taken seriously in my interest. This was from 30+ year d women. I could not be bothered with such immaturity or games.

Trills · 21/07/2016 20:57

I was informed that it was 'expected' to try several times before being taken seriously in my interest.

A good example of there not being any universally-acknowledged rules, then? :)

Also a good example of exactly what Mr Collins was talking about in Pride and Prejudice.

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