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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can we expect men to be supportive?

27 replies

elliebear36 · 09/07/2016 09:59

Hi all,
I have just joined as I was looking for advice about my relationship. The other night I went to the pub with my hubby but went home after a short time as I started with cystitis badly. I called at a shop on the way but could not find treatment or cranberry juice so I text him and asked him to pick some up for me after the footy had finished. I was in agony so every minute felt like an hour. The footy finished about 10pm so I thought he would be back about 10.20. I rang him about 10.30 to find out if he had managed to find anything and he was still in the pub. He rocked up home about 11.15 and was not interested as to why I was annoyed with him. I had to go out at 1130pm to a 24 hour supermarket miles away to get sorted. This was not easy as I needed to pee every two minutes. This happened on wednesday and he has yet to apologise as he does not think he has done anything wrong. I feel that he has let me down as he was not there when I really needed him but he does not think it's a big deal and says I am over-reacting.
Views please

OP posts:
TheStoic · 09/07/2016 10:04

Can't imagine my partner treating me like that in a million years. I rarely ask for help, but if I did, he would jump at any chance to help me feel better.

Original poster
elliebear36 · 09/07/2016 10:10

Thanks TheStoic. I rarely ask for anything either and I am concerned I cant rely on him to be there when I really need him. I thought that's what being married was about...........

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 09/07/2016 10:12

I have no idea what cystitis is ( I have a DW and an adult DD) perhaps your DP didn't understand you were in pain.

Original poster
elliebear36 · 09/07/2016 10:17

Hi Dr Morbius,
I dont think he really understands how painful it is but I told him I was in lots of pain and I have had it before so he knows what it is. Regardless I thought it would be enough for me to say that I was struggling and really needed his help.

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 09/07/2016 10:21

If you told him you were in pain and/or struggling he should drop everything and support/help you. You are a partnership.

flutterworc · 09/07/2016 10:22

Yes - we can and should expect exactly that - hence why we use the term 'partner', suggesting mutual support. I'm sorry your DH wasn't more use to you.

Original poster
elliebear36 · 09/07/2016 10:25

Thanks guys, good to know I am not being unreasonable. Now the difficulty of how to get him to see that!!

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 09/07/2016 10:30

Show him this post.

TheStoic · 09/07/2016 10:32

If his parents, or a mate, were struggling and needed his immediate help - would he be there for them?

Is it just you he disrespects, or is he useless in general?

Creatureofthenight · 09/07/2016 10:38

If I was out with DH and got cystitis (a common occurrence for me) and needed some treatment he'd either come home with me and we'd stop off on the way, or he'd come home with me and pop out to get some.

Joysmum · 09/07/2016 10:43

Tbh if I were that bad I would be calling and I would be staying what I needed and when so there was no misunderstanding.

I've learnt to to make non specific requests because my DH doesn't fill in the gaps as I'd expect him to. It's not that he's uncaring, he just doesn't react in the way I'd expect so we are now more precise in our communication and have both learned not to think the worst of each other.

Original poster
elliebear36 · 09/07/2016 10:45

He is not generally useless but I dont think he is there for me when i need him. I suppose I ask for very little so dont notice it often but when I dislocated my toe and needed to go to hospital he told me to be quiet and go to sleep. I had to really shout for him to get out of bed and help me. I am fearful that he is only willing to be around when things are going well and as soon as there is a problem he is no where to be seen. I dont feel I can trust him to look after me when I need it.
Good idea to show him the posts!!

OP posts:
Heirhelp · 09/07/2016 10:45

I think the word expectation is key here. I do expect DH to be supportive and he is but sometimes I need to spell out what I need. Having said that he would prioritise my health over going out.

TheStoic · 09/07/2016 10:50

Are/were his parents of the 'suck it up and pull yourself together' school of parenting? If so, that could explain his coldness when you are suffering/in pain.

Original poster
elliebear36 · 09/07/2016 10:55

Yeah maybe he was brought up like that, but then again so was I. He sliced his hand open on some DIY project but I didnt ignore him. I bandaged it up and cleaned his wound. I would never leave someone in pain when I could help. I just dont understand him and dont understand why he still cant accept that he let me down. I was reading 'men are from mars, women are from venus' this morning and that basically says that men are like children who need to be praised for every little thing they do and we should not place expectations on them! What a life eh? It's ok for the whole family to place expectations on us though!

OP posts:
TheStoic · 09/07/2016 11:03

Men are like children who need to be praised for every little thing they do and we should not place expectations on them!

Yeah...no.

It's happened, so all you can do is tell him how you feel. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he can't claim ignorance next time. Plenty of us are tough (and stoic) but when we ask for help, we expect to get it from our partner.

Or, next time he needs your help - tell him to shut up, and head out with your mates.

category12 · 09/07/2016 11:05

That book sounds a pile of shite. I'd bin it and go shout at the unhelpful bastard.

rumred · 09/07/2016 11:20

It's about empathy and sympathy surely, not gender? I hate the men are like this, women like that bollocks. Being a good person is nothing to do with gender.
And as up thread, depends on how the rest of your relationship is

Original poster
elliebear36 · 09/07/2016 11:22

Yeah the book is written by a man and reads like a man making excuses for men's shitty behaviour!

I am inclined to do the second part of TheStoic's suggestion and show him how it feels, though I recognise it would be a bit petty. I really dont like game playing but he seems unable to put himself in my shoes so I am inclined to do it for him.

It is unhelpful as I generally want to talk things through when there is a problem and he wants to bury his head in the sand until it goes away. I think the latter breeds resentment but, to him, that seems better than actually having to communicate.

OP posts:
Original poster
elliebear36 · 09/07/2016 11:24

Rumred- yes I agree it is not about gender; I was clutching at straws to try to understand behaviours I cannot grasp!

OP posts:
Gabilan · 09/07/2016 12:24

On the odd occasion when I fall off a horse and crock myself friends and neighbours, male and female, will help me, make sure I've got supplies in and give me lifts. I'm not sure what the point of a partner is if they won't do that.

newname99 · 09/07/2016 12:37

It seems he was having too much fun and decided that you cope, which to be fair you did.

If you had been out with friends at an event and he asked for you to get home to get him some pain relief would you do it?

Does he have form for selfish behaviour or is this an unusual incident? I don't think it means he's unsupportive as he seems to have decided you could cope and it wasn't enough of an emergency.

I not sure it's wrong as it relates to expectation which seems different

TheStoic · 09/07/2016 12:47

I think most people decent people would leave the pub if their partner told them they were at home in pain and needed their help.

I think many people would do that for a complete stranger. Seems like the bare minimum to me.

LondonStill83 · 09/07/2016 12:54

To be honest op, I think you could have sorted this yourself. It wasn't an emergency, it was just cystitis, and if it had been an emergency he may have behaved differently. I would not expect my DH to come home from a pub to buy me drugs I could have bought myself.

That said, if he would have been the same in an emergency, that isn't good, and you need to set some pretty clear boundaries about what you will and will not accept in terms of a partnership.

Whiteplate1 · 09/07/2016 12:59

This makes me grateful that my DH is teetotal!