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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dying great grandparent hasn't met dd

23 replies

Hurtandconfused2016 · 07/07/2016 20:55

Okay so my ex's granddad is currently dying. My ex has no contact with ds and dd.
My ex's ggp haven't met my ds yet (She is only 4 months) I was supposed to be going with ex mil but she hasn't kept in contact.
I was going to text her to say that I was sorry to hear about her dad would she consider taking me and the kids down to see them. What's people's opinions on this?
I would consider going down on my own with the kids but they are really unwell (dementia) So I would worry they would not remember me.

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 07/07/2016 21:17

If the dying person hasn't expressed any wish to see your daughter, there is no reason for you to do anything. It sounds like no one except you is bothered about this. They are probably all too busy dealing with the dementia. Leave them be unless they get in contact.

Joysmum · 07/07/2016 21:17

Why are you chasing this? It doesn't benefit you or your DD. It's up to the family to ask you if you've offered, down to them if they don't.

Sassypants82 · 07/07/2016 21:21

I would also leave it. There's no need. Also could you be using it as an excuse to get back in touch?? Is that a good idea?

buffalogrumble · 07/07/2016 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Hurtandconfused2016 · 07/07/2016 21:27

The dying person has asked to see ds before this is why me and ex mil had agreed to go down. But due to a legal battle with her son we haven't really been in touch.
I'm not using it as an excuse to get back in touch I just feel for a couple who have bought many presents for both my kids it's only nice they meet her.

OP posts:

buffalogrumble · 07/07/2016 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floralnomad · 07/07/2016 21:47

I'd leave it to them , your ex MIL knows where you are and presumably if the dying GP was asking to see the children she would contact you .

Original poster

Hurtandconfused2016 · 07/07/2016 21:47

Thanks buffalo I have nothing against the ggp at all and I don't want it to be they don't meet dd. He has only been given months to live and he doesn't know me and ex have broken up as my mil didn't want to upset or hurt them so we haven't told his family (it has been 6 mpnths).

OP posts:

Pico2 · 07/07/2016 22:04

How old is your DD? People with dementia vary a lot, but in some cases can be a bit scary for small children, so you could consider taking your DS only.

I'm not sure how much it matters whether they know who you are, they will be seeing plenty of HCP they don't recognise. I took my baby to see my DGD and he was delighted to see her, even though he didn't know who she was. But I can't predict if that would be the same for you.

janaus · 08/07/2016 02:48

My dad passed away recently, aged 90. He was lucky enough to get to meet all of his 6 great grandchildren. That meant a lot to me. To have photos with all the great grandchildren.
If it can be arranged it would be a nice thing to do.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/07/2016 08:42

OP, I mean this nicely, but this is not about you and your wants and wishes. The person to speak to is actually your ex. It is his grandparent, not yours and this is his daughter, so it's really up to him. As you say that MIL isn't in contact with you now it would be extremely gauche of you to manoeuvre this. So don't.

Your daughter isn't going to be affected and your ex's grandparent will not miss not seeing her. Yes, having family around can be comforting to dementia patients and their families but, things have changed... you're not now considered as family by ex and MIL so let them have this time with their relative without having to consider what you want.

meworthit · 08/07/2016 09:21

Leave it.
If the family want to contact you about arranging anything then it's great that you are willing.

Until then ... It's not your place to involve yourself unless you are specifically approached again by your ex or your mil.
The fact it was previously planned by mil but she hasn't been in touch says that they have enough on their plates at this time.
The family are probably trying to support each other, put things in order, etc etc. Ex's then landing up for visits to people they've not met or don't know well could be viewed negatively by the family and further damage dynamics.

Send a card or message saying you are thinking of them , you can't imagine how difficult things are for them at the min & for them to let you know if anything at all you can do.
And leave it at that unless they come back to you

meworthit · 08/07/2016 09:26

Op ...
I reread the thread & see there's a legal battle. All the more reason for you to "know your place" ..... And I mean that in the nicest possible way xx

Original poster

Hurtandconfused2016 · 08/07/2016 10:04

Okay I'm just going to stop this thread as it would appear I'm being made out to be just "thinking of my wants". This is really not what I want I really couldn't care less if my children see them as I have had to go into a legal fight to get their father to see them!

This was what my mil wanted not me she wanted her dad to meet the baby. My ex has no contact with the grandparents he hates them.
I was never going to force me and the kids going I was simply going to text her to see if the would like the kids and myself to go down with her. (The reason I would have to go as my kids are 2 and a baby otherwise I wouldn't be going)
I no longer speak to my ex it is his parents I speak to and have done since he left.
I really wasn't trying to be selfish or anything like that I was purely thinking how my ex mil would feel seeing her dad with his great granddaughter and how it could possibly bring her a little bit of happiness. My and her are not on bad terms or had cross words at all

OP posts:

meworthit · 08/07/2016 10:06

You are well intended and sounds like you're thinking of your mil. Hopefully she'll be in touch x

averythinline · 08/07/2016 10:10

It maybe just a bit much for exmil at the moment which is why she hasn't been in contact for a bit...as said upthread dementia can be scary/change quickly and what was possible /preferable a couple pf weeks ago might not be now..
It might just add to her stress having to think about the 2 little ones seeing him if his condition is deteriorating...

If you are happy with ds/dd seeing him if its easy for them, I would just send a holding text saying they can contact you re visiting them when it suits....

Joysmum · 08/07/2016 10:32

This was what my mil wanted not me she wanted her dad to meet the baby

In which case she'll be in touch if that's still what she wants when she feels up to it.

I've cared for someone with terminal dementia, it's not easy.

Try to come to terms with knowing you've done all you needed to, it's up to others now

Lweji · 08/07/2016 10:43

I understand your position and it's great that you are thinking of this person, but wait until they ask you.

I don't see that it's of any benefit for your young children, particularly a baby, to see a distant relative (great grandparent - about the same relationship as to a cousin) and more so with dementia.

If you do text her, don't ask her "would she consider taking me and the kids down to see them". I'd just say that if she wanted to, then I'd be happy to accommodate her wishes.

Original poster

Hurtandconfused2016 · 08/07/2016 10:52

No there honestly is no benefit to the kids seeing them. They did see my dd every month before me and ex separated. There is no benefit to my little family at all it was just to give my ex mil a little but of happiness in this time.

No I possible wrote that wrong I would just ask if she would like me and the kids to accompany her one day when she goes.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/07/2016 15:06

Apologies then OP but you said that you weren't in contact following a legal battle in an earlier post and then you said that you were only in contact with PIL, not ex. It really wasn't clear.

Obviously that changes the position; ask your MIL what she wants.

Original poster

Hurtandconfused2016 · 08/07/2016 15:44

No lying honestly it's okay I never put all the information in the post as I didn't want to drab on but I see that it was very miss informing.

Me and his parents speak as it is the only way he communicates with me. ( there's a whole awful story behind this) his mother still wants me to be in her life and her family as I am the mother of the kids. She was very hurt and angry when we separated. (It wasn't good timing as I was due to have a baby and he was also cheating and left for ow so wasn't very amicable tbh)

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 08/07/2016 16:17

Go ahead and make the arrangements. Life is too short and I can't see any harm in him meeting her. It's a privilege to live and see you GGC. Too many skeptics on here at times.

Rosyglow74 · 08/07/2016 17:09

How sad that your kind intentions are being misinterpreted. Your former mother-in-law is very lucky to have you and your children in her life, under the circumstances. Believe me, it is rare.

Get in touch with her, asking how she feels about you and the children visiting. Whatever is decided, I'm sure she will appreciate your thoughts, and take comfort from them.

Do whatever it takes to always keep as much family around your children as you can.

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