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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How long did it take your relationship to "recover" after PFB arrived?

20 replies

TheViewFromTheSheepSeats · 07/07/2016 15:28

I'm not talking sex, and I'm not thinking LTB (because he's not a bastard) but I would genuinely like to know how long after a new baby arriving your relationship was calm and happy again.
I'm not unhappy/depressed but I'm tired and grumpy, DP Is tired and grumpy and does my head In constantly at the moment, DD is 6 months old and an absolute angel but I feel like neither of us are lovely people to live with currently.
I'm resenting him for being able to carry on with his previous life (to an extent, he's great with DD) and I have a feeling my contraception- Depo injection- is adding to my grumpiness.
We don't get much time to ourselves, I'm guessing this might help?
Any advice/experiences/etc.

OP posts:

GipsyDanger · 07/07/2016 15:35

I don't know if it's worth speaking to someone in rl about this, I have a 15 week old ds and our relationship is the same, if not better. I had emcs, dh wouldn't let me lift anything other than ds, made all our food, changed ds more than me and would bring me ds to feed at night. He's back to work he still gets up at night to change nappies. We've never really argued. In my opinion, the relationship with your partner shouldn't be hard work. Congrats on baby as well

nearlyteatime101 · 07/07/2016 15:44

My relationship with dh has never got back to pre dc (age 1 and 2). We have harmonious relationship, but it's pragmatic not romantic. We are more a team doing the day to day stuff. I'm hoping to get back the old us in a couple of years. We have very little outside/ family help and I think it would be very different if we did have, say, a 'date night' every now and then. We are both committed to our relationship until we do so I don't feel massively bitter about it.

Original poster

TheViewFromTheSheepSeats · 07/07/2016 15:46

Hmm ok, well we certainly don't argue, but we are not as 'happy' as we were.
The funny thing is people IRL have unanimously said "having a baby can put a strain on a relationship"
I'm glad for you that your relationship has improved gipsy and hoping mine does too.

OP posts:

mrsmugoo · 07/07/2016 15:59

We were never unhappy but we were certainly "in the trenches" for a good 6 months!

GipsyDanger · 07/07/2016 16:06

I think it depends a lot on the child. For the first 2 months, our ds was sleeping 7/8 straight hours a night (I miss those days!) he didn't have colic, our relationship with both gp are excellent. I think a change in any of those circumstances and things could be a lot different.

Naughty1205 · 07/07/2016 16:08

4 years tbh.

Thataintnoetchasketch · 07/07/2016 16:14

DS is 6 months & we're both knackered & snarky with each other & at times things have been strained. We've agreed to be kinder to one another & give each other a bit of slack though. We went out for lunch & a wander just the two of us the other week for the first time since DS arrived & got a glimpse of the old us, it's still there - just buried deep under sleep deprivation & stress.

Original poster

TheViewFromTheSheepSeats · 07/07/2016 16:21

Thanks etchasketch - it's helpful to know that it's not just us and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. (Even if it's a long tunnel naughty )

OP posts:

EvangelineP · 07/07/2016 16:28

It started getting better at 2 years but didn't fully recover until 4 but it took concerted effort and we had a very shouty reflux baby.

Original poster

TheViewFromTheSheepSeats · 07/07/2016 16:31

4 years seems to be the magic number then! Coincidence that this is when they start school? DD had colic, then reflux and is now teething badly- she sleeps well at night but it's the days that are exhausting.
So when we see each other in te evening neither of us are at our best, making some time to be 'us' will have to become a priority, I don't want to be grumpy for the next 3.5 years.

OP posts:

StubbleTurnips · 07/07/2016 16:38

DD was well over 2 before I felt normal, and on speaking to DH it was similar for him. She's a year on from and were expecting another baby turnips - so we both fully expect another couple of years of disruption.

But we both know this time it does come back! We rub along

sophree · 07/07/2016 16:45

After the first birthday things eased off a bit and in the months that followed I really had to put my resentment of him "carrying on normal life" (being able to escape to work while I was left home with a baby who only cried) past me and look at what I had to make myself happy.
Once the baby sleeps more concentrate on you if you are happy your relationship will be happier

TweeterandtheMonkeyman · 07/07/2016 16:57

The first two years of parenthood put a massive strain on our relationship, it nearly broke us, I actually left him for a few months (went back to my parents). Combination of non- sleeping pfb , PND (me), highly stressful new job (him) , and a bereavement. I still went ahead and got pregnant with number 2 - so another two years of sleep deprivation, but we were getting used to it by then although we still had awful rows. Weirdly things are now better than ever ! Knowing that we stuck at it through all the grimness , and can still have a laugh and fancy each other pulled us through.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 07/07/2016 17:00

Never did.

I left him a year later.

WombOfOnesOwn · 07/07/2016 18:14

Ours was back to normal within a week or two. We kept saying how remarkable it was we had heard so much about a "grenade going off in your relationship" when a baby is born. He's had reflux and sleep issues, but we're almost at the 5 month mark and I wouldn't say we had more than a few days here or there (at our most sleep-deprived) where we went into totally pragmatic, non-romantic mode, and only a couple of brief arguments that actually resolved beautifully because we know all the more what we're working to make better. No one should have a child to make a relationship better, but once in a while, it works out that way. I feel very lucky, as many of my friends have had very different situations. I wonder how much of this is due to my DH's role as a SAHD his father was one as well, so he doesn't have any weird macho thing associated with fatherhood.

familyfarm · 07/07/2016 18:22

2.5 years.

dimots · 07/07/2016 18:28

Never. He changed from an equal partner to a male chauvinist pig overnight.

EarthboundMisfit · 07/07/2016 18:34

About 2 years.

sminkypinky · 07/07/2016 18:35

It was about 10 months for us before it started improving, which was when DS started to sleep through the night (most nights). We're 18 months in now and things are getting back to kind of normal, which is good as I've just found out I'm carrying DC2.

Hiddenaspie1973 · 07/07/2016 18:37

Around 4 years. We bickered and bitched about who was the most tired, I bled for 3 months, stopped, fell down the stairs and bled some more.😳
He tried sex before 6 w I said piss off. It was then 4 years before sex.
We have been fine since, more like our old selves x

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