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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Break up help

11 replies

katiekatie212 · 06/07/2016 13:25

Hi there
I'm totally new to this and just yesterday my boyfriend has decided he thinks he needs to "be on his own"
I accept it. My heart is in pieces...
But what I could really do with is some advice on how to get through these first few days and nights...
He lives locally and there's a possibility I could see him from time to time but we will never be able to work things out... I understand that I just need some tips on how to help this god awful feeling in my stomach, the zombie state I'm in to pass...
I fear night times the most - as my daughter (not his) goes to bed and I'm sat alone and I have time to think and dwell...
Any help / similar stories would be so appreciated.
I feel at rock bottom
Xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

katiekatie212 · 06/07/2016 13:28

Also to add I've been with this man for a year and half and been put through so much hell but I stuck around to fight for him. And he's dropped this on me - 2 days ago "he's in love with me, can't live without me," next day... "Im sorry I can't do this"
Please someone help me xxx

OP posts:

Resilience16 · 06/07/2016 17:12

Ok, big girl panties on. It's a shit situation and the best way to get through it is to go no contact. Block him, delete him, do not reach out or respond to him. He sounds like a total headworker, and I bet will be in touch once he realises you aren't going to be chasing after him, but do not engage in his bullshit. You deserve much much better.
Keep busy. Clear out that cupboard, sort your payslips, varnish the cat, do what ever it takes to keep yourself from dwelling on the "what ifs" and "if onlys".
Do not cyberstalk, it will make you feel worse. Avoid the places where you might bump into him.
Write down why you have separated, all the "hell" he has put you through and read it when your resolve weakens.
Yes the next few days and weeks will be painful but as time goes by the pain gets less. You just have to get through it day by day, hour by hour.
You are allowed to be sad, mad, cry or feel like a zombie.Be kind to yourself. Exercise worked for me, plus being able to talk to friends in real life. And of course all the support here on MN.
Consider doing the Freedom course so you can avoid unhealthy relationships in the future, you can do it on line, maybe that's something you could be doing on those evenings when your texting finger starts twitching.
You can and will get through this.
You may feel at rock bottom Katie, but if you are then the only way is up!
Hug for you.
Onwards and upwards x

RedMapleLeaf · 06/07/2016 17:28

Try Paul McKenna's book on mend your broken heart (or similar).

FreeFromHarm · 06/07/2016 20:35

Can I ask, has he been married... what is his history, if you do not mind me asking ? is he scared of commitment ?

Original poster

katiekatie212 · 06/07/2016 20:56

Thank you all its so lovely to talk to someone,
Yes he's been married and is technically still but separated and they have children... So my head is telling me what's most probably happened he's had his fun and now gone back home...
But I'm gutted because whilst we have been together his ex has put us both through hell- stalking me, refusing him access to his children, but I put it all down to her hurting - and accepted it and stood by him- I even met her to try and make things better as he asked me to- I gained a relationship with his children and now... In a space of 3 days I've had- "I love you, I want us, I can't live without you" to "I need to be on my own, I can't make you happy, you deserve better than what I've put you through "
I accept we are over it hurts me like crazy - it's just the first few days I guess I feel so lost and don't know how I'll get through it x

OP posts:

Original poster

katiekatie212 · 06/07/2016 20:58

What also hurts as in his last message he said "maybe one day we can pick things back up and start again" - I mean who does this to someone??? It's like giving me hope when he has no intention of it happening... x

OP posts:

Resilience16 · 06/07/2016 21:21

He wants to keep you hanging on so if it doesn't work out with the wife, (or maybe even if it does), he's got you there as back up. It's called having your cake and eating it.
Gather your self respect together and block him. You ain't going to get a happy ending out of this one.
Put it down to experience and walk on x

FreeFromHarm · 06/07/2016 21:30

I agree with Reilience , I know you are hurting, but it the long run, from what you have said, he is a user, not just you but the ex in probably in the same situation.
Emotionally, men never leave their wife's, you will always have this man's baggage hanging over you.
I am an ex wife out of choice, my xdh continues to use and abuse women all over the place, playing cat and mouse, I wouldnt wish what I have been through on anyone. You and your children deserve peace and happiness.

Original poster

katiekatie212 · 06/07/2016 22:01

Thank you I know your absolutely right he's done it to me before- he's gone back to his wife (we ceased contact) then I got a message saying he made the biggest mistake as I'm the love of his life and we started a relationship- which to be fair has been more lows than good times but I feel like I've emotionally invested so much into him and he's completely mugged me off again.
I've had the "I told you so's" I shouldn't of gone back but I thought we actually had a future - he introduced me to the ex - made plans and now he's back to the same cold man he was when he went back before. I have absolutely no intention of ever contacting him again- and something tells me he won't try with me again either because deep down I know he wouldn't of done this if he loved me.
I asked him was it all lies? He responded...
Not one minute, I loved you from the first time I met you it's just I can't be the man you need and deserve...
I know it's time to pick myself back up and focus on my daughter... But being 30 and single again ... Wow ... Feels somewhat depressing x

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FreeFromHarm · 06/07/2016 22:41

Proud of you, for you and your daughter...do not be depressed ok, I am 50, in a refuge, and I am happy and safe X stay in touch and stay strong 💝 Girl power.... Stay away from this man ... Nag nag

LesisMiserable · 07/07/2016 15:03

In some ways he's been honest saying he can't make you happy and you deserve better. As you said, youve had many ups and downs in the space of a year and half and he has now done the right thing by ending it. What hurts the most right now I suspect is that you know you should have ended it but didn't so this is about how you value yourself ultimately isn't it? I got dumped after four and a half up and down years with a note through the door. My ex lives round the corner and visits my road a few times a week to see friends. It was horrible the thought of bumping into him. Six weeks after he dumped me I went on Tinder for a confidence boost - met my now DP and 18 months later very happy with him still. I see my ex occasionally. I feel nothing. It takes time and a relationship that makes you realise your own worth and boundaries, in my experience.

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