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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Councelling yes or no

25 replies

Dontknow12 · 04/07/2016 19:42

Briefly partner of 15 years. We broke up 7 weeks ago, he started seeing someone new. Yesterday he tells me that he has broken it off and wants to try counseling to give our relationship one last go. I am conflicted about this. I don't now what to do for the best. Any advice? And if it matters he did sleep with her. He joined POF before the break up with in my eyes is cheating. Said it was the only way to end the relationship because I would never let him in the past. If this change of heart came 6 weeks ago I would be over the moon but now I am so torn on what to do.

OP posts:

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 04/07/2016 19:50

Do you believe him when he says that he has broken the relationship off? Have you asked him why he broke it off?

StarsAligning · 04/07/2016 19:52

She's dumped him and he wants to get back with you.

FreeFromHarm · 04/07/2016 19:54

Personally, I would not trust a word he says, sorry

StarsAligning · 04/07/2016 19:55

Sorry don't understand what POF is and is he justifying this ow as the only way to end the relationship with you?

StarsAligning · 04/07/2016 19:56

Oh and the question of counseling -NO but it's your decision

Heirhelp · 04/07/2016 19:58

POF is plenty of fish, it is a dating website. So he was actively looking for a new relationship while he was with you.

Original poster

Dontknow12 · 05/07/2016 19:22

He said that although he hasn't show it the last 2 months have been tough on him too and he hasn't like to see what I've been through. It made him want to see if we can give it one final go. I kind of believe that he has left her but he won't show me the proof. I am I wrong to ask? He says that there are no guarantees that this will work and for me I think that's the wrong attitude to take into counseling. He says that he left me because I'm controlling (I admit this), passive aggressive, a drama queen and terrible with money. That I don't think should play a part. As long as I can cover my portion of the bills what does it matter what I do with the rest of my salary?

OP posts:

43percentburnt · 05/07/2016 21:47

Wait a minute. He thinks your passive aggressive, a drama queen, terrible with money and controlling and he wants to get back together. Surely he should be glad to get away from you if you are that awful.

He hasn't liked what he has put you through - he thinks you are PA, a drama queen, terrible with money and controlling, why would he care how you feel?

Me thinks the grass is not greener on the other side. He thought it would be better with his new woman but he is unhappy with the house he is living in, his new commute to work, her pets/kids/parents or her wash powder. So he is reeling you back in with tales of woe is me, I was sad making you sad...

Keep him dumped OP, I bet your life has become better without him.

Original poster

Dontknow12 · 07/07/2016 22:32

Unfortunately we still live together (separate bedrooms) and have since it happened 8 weeks ago today. I have booked the counseling for Monday but I'm not convinced. Does it ever work?

Also he refuses to show me his phone where he apparently broke it off with her. Do I have the right to ask? I am paranoid that they are still texting :( I can't trust him right now and not sure if I ever can again.

OP posts:

Joy69 · 07/07/2016 22:42

In my experience councilling only works if you're both committed to making it work. Myself & my ex went & he lied his way through it. Everyone is different though. You could always go & see how it pans out. x

Cabrinha · 07/07/2016 22:44

Of course you have the right to ask!!!

Use the hour you were going to spend with a counsellor, with an estate agent instead.

He cheated on you.
He dumped you.
He got dumped by the woman he was cheating on you with.
He won't show you the messages because then you'll see he got dumped and how the tining of that was a nano second before he wanted to jump back into your bed.

Time to tell him to FOTTFSOFOTFOSM.

Original poster

Dontknow12 · 07/07/2016 22:44

I am worried about him lying.

Hopefully he is committed considering he was the one that suggested it. Its not something he would normally suggest.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dontknow12 · 07/07/2016 22:45

We are still in separate bedrooms.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 07/07/2016 22:54

Depends what he's committed to.
Committed to rebuilding your trust in him and your relationship, or committed to trying the easy route back to a girlfriend now he's been dumped?
He's not committed to rebuilding trust if he won't even show you his messages supposedly dumped the woman he cheated on you with.
No way would I go to counselling with a man who refused to show them.

user1467958533 · 08/07/2016 07:43

No doubt, Counselling is the best way to save a broken relationship, but it is successful, if both of you are committed to make it work.

TheNaze73 · 08/07/2016 08:08

He's royally taking the piss, has been dumped & now wants to try again??
If you read this, what would your advice be?

adora1 · 08/07/2016 14:20

So he's been cheating right in front of you, in your home that you share and has actually went as far as dating someone else - again, whilst living with you!

Unbelievable - I don't know how you put up with the above at all.

He now wants to try again but won't prove to you that he ended it so in other words she probably found out he's still shacked up with you.

He certainly sounds no prize and if he really thinks you are all those things what's the point, you will be back at square one again.

Regardless of the OW, any person that described me like that would be waved merrily on their way, stop taking the blame for everything, what he has done is horrible.

Original poster

Dontknow12 · 08/07/2016 19:30

Thank you all. Lots to think about. So confused and not sure what to do for the best. Guess counseling on Monday night will help to clarify things. I will ask about the text messages in counseling to see what she says about showing me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dontknow12 · 12/07/2016 21:46

So we went to the first session. I couldn't just throw 15 years away and has to see if there was still something there.

She got us to talk about how we met and the early years/feelings etc. He told the counselor that it would take a lot to convince him to give the relationship another go. I know I have my faults but surely it should be me that needs convincing considering he was the one that was so quick to move on.

Ive never done this before and so far out of my depth its crazy.

Any idea where the councelor might take this next? It seems that its going to be a snails pace and I could go through months of this only to find that he has decided to walk away with a clear conscience.

OP posts:

Summerlovinf · 12/07/2016 22:31

It would take a lot to convince HIM to give the relationship another go? Wtaf? 'Aye righto...'

bumpertobumper · 12/07/2016 23:37

His recent behaviour has obviously been totally reprehensible, but how was your relationship before this?
Have things been rocky? Has he tried to break up with you previously? His excuse was that he cheated to give a clear break, although is now trying to row back from it.

Do you want to stay with him?

The counsellor will need a few sessions to understand the relationship, and this time will have to be invested if you want to get anything from the process.
Even if, as it seems, you both are unsure if you really want to continue in the relationship, the counselling may help smooth the end process. He has hurt you a lot, but perhaps you can come through this without long term heart break or trust issues.
Also, as is often overlooked on here, splitting from a long term relationship is usually not an instant thing, it is a process, like getting entwined in the relationship in the beginning - but with different knots in the tummy

Original poster

Dontknow12 · 18/07/2016 19:49

You are spot on bumpertobumper. Its hard to split when you have been together so long.

We have councelling again tomorrow night but I don't know what to expect. I think that its going to be a slow process and I don't want to 'invest' weeks into it if the outcome is going to be that we stay apart. How do I know that its heading in the right direction or whether I need to pull the plug on it.

OP posts:

Woodman2007 · 18/07/2016 20:59

Sorry new to this thread. I started counselling with my soon to be ex. We started with 2 individual sessions with the idea of them doing couples after that. But after his second session he decided he wanted to separate instead. From what I have heard it can work but only if both of you want it too. Also heard that if you get through the counselling successfully then you can actually end up with a much stronger relationship than before since you have dealt with a lot of you issues as a couple. One of the things my counsellor said to me is where there are trust issues (in my case he was sending sexual messages to a colleague from work) that she normally recommends that both sides share passwords, codes to phones etc so you can both show you are being open and honest with each other and start building trust again. This was a major stumbling block for my soon to be ex since he point blank refused to do this saying he is entitled to his privacy.

cozietoesie · 18/07/2016 21:06

He's doing what might otherwise be called 'Covering your bets'.

Mummydummy · 20/07/2016 23:42

Counselling is a good way to ask him some of these questions in a neutral environment - are you still seeing her, why do you want to try again, why should I trust you. Counselling can still be successful if it enables you to make a decision - to stay or go.

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