Reconciling different values - possible?

[nightandthelight]

So the ILs and I have very different values and I'm wondering whether they are insurmountable or not.

ILs have been very kind to me, wanting to make me part of the family etc but our values mean we are in an endless cycle of arguing, not speaking, patching things up and repeat.

The main issues are regarding ILs islamaphobia, homophobia, xenophobia and sexism. We have argued on all these points ate different times and I am sick of it.

Does anyone have any experience of overcoming these kind of differences or is the cycle we are currently in inevitable?

What about your other half? If your values match his then f* the IL'S tbh

If you and your DP are happy and have the same values/opinions, does it matter if you don't talk to them? Personally I'd be no contact with anyone who had those opinions on others

How much time do you have to spend with them?
I've been married over 20 years and I have to say none of these topics have ever come up in my conversations with them.

My IL's had wildly differing views from me, but then so did my husband. The key thing though was that my husband and I agreed absolutely on the fundamentals - racism, homophobia, women's rights, abortion, education and bringing up children. Therefore it was possible for me to ignore his parents and I did make a point of visiting/seeing them very little.

Your situation must inevitably be coloured by your husband's views. If the two of you agree on those things you both hold most dear, then either ignore his parents, or stop visiting them. After all, you have to accept that they have the right to believe what they wish. You don't have to agree with them and you don't have to like them, but it isn't up to you to 'convert' them either.

Can't you agree to disagree. Avoid what sets them off, and ignore it. You don't have to agree with them. They know your thoughts. You and hubby obviously have the same good values. I think it's a generational thing.

Thanks everyone. DH and I share the same values thankfully :) Would love to avoid these topics but it's hard. For example we passed a couple of Muslim women on the street and FIL said 'muslims' in a very derogatory way (and loudly) and I made it clear I wasn't happy. I would gladly avoid these topics but they always seem to come up.

I would be happy not to have any contact with ILs but this makes DH very sad. He understands how I feel but loves them and wants a happy family. That is why I have tried so many times but it keeps failing.

It takes two to argue though. MIL votes Tory bt her views are socialist, she utterly despises private schools, makes constant comments about people with money and nice lifestyles, is tight and mean, hates nice clothes, laughs at people. After 27 years I totally ignore her or change the subject. She needs us far more than we need her.

If it were just political opinions roses then yes I would happily ignore but should I really not be calling them out on their blatant discrimination? I have always been taught not to tolerate that kind of behaviour.

"I would be happy not to have any contact with ILs but this makes DH very sad. He understands how I feel but loves them and wants a happy family".

Your problem here is your DH as much as his parents. He is key to all this here, he probably wants this all to go away and for you all to get along because he cannot and/or will not deal with this. What he also fails to realise is that his own inertia when it comes to his parents is hurting him as well as you. His "happy family" are not happy at all.

He may well be enmeshed with regards to his parents and is likely also to be in a fear, obligation and guilt states when it come so them as well.

Who is his main loyalty to; them or you? His parents are now or should be seen as his secondary family.

Where are your own boundaries when it comes to his parents, why are you seeing them at all?. I know it makes your DH "sad" if you do not see them but sometimes self preservation is necessary here, you are being dragged down with them. I also think you need to rid yourself of the notion that they are kind as well.

Ok I've just read your update and here's the thing. You now have to choose between keeping your husband happy by seeing his parents which is one option, but you will need to 'zip it' if you do because 'calling them out' all the time is not going to change their views or behaviour. (Has it so far?) Or make your husband sad by saying 'I'm sorry, I love you but I can't cope with being around your parents whilst they continue to express their views to me.' Neither of these positions is wrong and neither is right. You have to make it clear to your husband though that you are doing what you are doing because you choose to. Making our partners sad is not something any of us want to do, but some times you have to. Equally making decisions to do something in order to make our partner happy is ok too. It's up to you, but I think its time to choose one course or the other.

I would expect that he at least challenges them about the sexism. I mean, he is married to a woman. There's some obligation to be on your side, isn't it? (I assume you are female, as his parents' homophobia doesn't seem to bother him much.)

Other than that, if it makes him sad that you don't want to see his parents, it is on him to get them to at least keep their mouths shut on those topics when you visit.

He always argues on my side vestal and calls them out on it as much as I do :) His younger brother also argues with them about it. I guess the difference is that they have a strong family connection to them so will argue with them without falling out over it. I don't have that sense of loyalty or that love for them so find it much harder.

You are right oldest I need to decide which way to go. Perhaps DH could explain that those topics are completely banned in our house and I could give it one more go. Will have a think this weekend :)