We lost the romance and want it back

[mawi]

I have had a horrendous couple of years. An awful tragic bereavement, another bereavement, historical abuse raising it's ugly head again, health problems, serious financial worries etc and every step of the way my dh has being there, holding my hand, supporting me and without him I think I may have crumbled. I want to show him how much I appreciate his unwavering support but have no idea how. The romance has being destroyed with all the crap and I want to resurrect it again. Has anybody any ideas what I can do please? We are both working hard and are happy but both know the romantic side of things have being neglected. We have being together 20 years and we adore each other so we are off to a good start but have got lost in the middle of all the grief and stress.

Write him a card ... Something he can re read and cherish - tell him how much his help is appreciated !
Add something lighthearted too ! Most chaps I think would appreciate knowing you actually do notice and are very grateful for their support !

Hope you are past the worst now and things start to get better !

I recommend the book 'Mating in Captivity'. It's not just a sex guide but more a relationship guide, and it's really good, gives you loads to go off and think about and really worked for us.

Thank you for the replies.
I am planning to spend tomorrow just with him. Dc are going to stay with their grandparents. He is working today, I am working tonight but both off tomorrow and I think we are going to go and do something nice just the two of us. Don't know what yet but I have told everyone tomorrow is just for me and him so fingers crossed that works out.

I will look for that book thanks for the recommendation.

Tonorrow is a start but you have to make effort virtually every day to rekindle things. Start by complimenting on little things and start to use touch, even if initially it is just a hug or brush of the arm. If you keep this up daily and it can rub off where he then starts to do the same thing. It takes a lot of effort though because it's easy to slip back into the same habits you have got used to over the last few years. It is much easier to disconnect in a relationship than reconnect.

Buy a bottle of body shop massage oil, turn off all gadgets and go to bed early with a bottle of wine, a nice cheese board and the oil.

Do you have sex less than once per week? That would be a good place to start.

We are actually very touchy feely. We enjoy sex, could be three times in one week but then none for a fortnight. We used to be 3/4 times a week but 3 dc later it's when we get peace. And I work evenings, he works days and is usually sleeping when I get home & he is gone first thing in the morning.

We are really looking forward to tomorrow, both off work, no dc and an empty house so we will make the most of that.

We say I love you every day and never leave each other without a kiss so it's not bad but we have lost alot of that precious alone time and that's where we need to make the changes.

We are both always on the go and are so busy and both of us have family problems and my family are grieving and it just all seems to be too much so we are pushed to the side but tomorrow is ours. I think we will go for a walk on the beach (weather permitting) get a takeaway and snuggle down for the evening. Like the idea of some oils.

Thank you all for replying.

Just be aware that if you build up a single occasion as this great romantic occasion it doesn't always work out, particularly if you are both stressed and exhausted. Don't be disappointed if it's a bit flat. I think it's OK to go with relaxed and companionable rather than mega romance. Even if you end up a bit tetchy with each other, that's not the end of the world.

I agree with the PP about just being nice to each other daily while you go through this busy time. TBH you sound more romantic and demonstrably loving and are having more sex than most couples I know who have been together 20 years.

We will probably both fall asleep on the couch but sure as long as we are alone and have a bit of quiet for a while it will do us good.

We are lucky, we are in love and are generally happy. Have had tough couple of years just and have neglected ourselves a bit but we are aware of this so that's half the battle.

We have just being planning going for a bite to eat tomorrow. I think we are just exhausted mentally and physically so maybe start looking after ourselves a bit more and things will improve.

We bought a board game called monogamy for a laugh, but it was actually quite good. There are three types of card, the first being all getting to know you/sweet stuff. But it was good to chat and discover how our tastes had changed over the years. Then the next two sets are a bit steamier! We do this every couple of months along with regular date nights and breakfast in bed when we both have work off.

Oh that sounds like a good game. Have to go to the town in the morning will have a look for it.

The thing is we have being together since we were young and have changed so much, we have basically grown up together so it would be good to reconnect now as adults and talk about the changes we have gone through.

We are determined to make our marriage a happy one so recognising how we have changed the last few years is so important. Thank you