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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Recreational drug use

26 replies

Beaniebaby6 · 15/06/2016 17:11

Hiya, some advice please
Iv been with my partner for 6 years and I really see a future and children with him, we are saving for a house and travelling later this year. When we first met aged 16-18 we both took drugs including ketamine, methadrone, ecstasy, cocaine fairly regularly. However I grew up and have completely stopped now for 2 years plus and now have a job where a drug related conviction would cost my career. He still takes drugs on occasion despite seeming to always regret it and trying to stop after a few drinks he sometimes gives in. I no longer want to be associated with any of it but since our relationship is great otherwise, is it fair to ask him to stop completely or I will leave? It may be hypocritical and I knew he was like that 6 years ago but my views have hanged now. Apparently his friends say this is controlling, unacceptable and mental abuse :( who is right? Thanks in advance

OP posts:

0phelia · 15/06/2016 17:17

It's not abusive to say "I hate drugs please stop or I'll leave" It's not abusive at all FGS.

I wouldn't want to settle into starting a family with a recreational drug user, it's too chaotic with babies as it is.

Just go if you are not 100% into it. You don't even need more of a reason than "I'm not 100% into this".

adora1 · 15/06/2016 17:17

We all have our limits, our tolerances, we are all different and have different opinions, you clearly do not want Class A drugs in your life, nothing wrong with that OP, it's against the law and punishable by prison possibly, but at least a criminal record, that's not a good idea to think of in the future is it if he gets caught?

Having said that, I am not entirely sure how you tell an Adult he can't do, take something, you can only try I guess.

MyBreadIsEggy · 15/06/2016 17:20

His friends sound like sad losers, who need drugs for a good time - you've grown up and moved on from that scene, they haven't. Therefore they still see it as the norm and see you as the "boring grown up".
If it was me, I would give the ultimatum. If this relationship does continue, with your dp continuing with the drugs, then there's no way you can possibly bring children into it. He needs to buck his ideas up, and re-evaluate what matters more to him: a good time with his sad mates, or a future with you

Original poster

Beaniebaby6 · 15/06/2016 17:29

Thanks for responses. He does try not to but it's a normalised culture, almost everyone I know does them but I'm over them. He has said he'll stop for me because it's now a deal breaker but would like a last blow out at a festival we both go to this summer. 2 people we know died from drugs (unrelated) so I feel strongly he shouldn't at all! He has always said he'd stop if we have children or as we get older anyway but not sure whether I can believe that sadly

OP posts:

Isetan · 15/06/2016 18:18

The problem is that he doesn't have a problem with recreational drug use and as long as that is the case, I'd take the 'I'll stop for you' with a pinch of salt. He hasn't grown up the same way you have in the last couple of years and there is no reason to suggest he will, the 'one last blow out' comment says it all. He views it as having to forgo something (despite his protestations) that he doesn't have a problem with and worse than that, he's been pressured into doing so by someone who never had a problem with it in the past.

Given the laundry list of substances he has taken in the past what exactly does constitute a 'blow out', is that the same as a near death experience? How sensible do you think he'd be, given that he's approaching this as his last hurrah?

I'm afraid his general apathy towards quitting, susceptibility to peer pressure and unwillingness to change his 'going out' habits to compensate for his weaknesses, really doesn't scream success.

You wouldn't be the first woman to have a OH who hasn't matured in the same way as she has.

something2say · 15/06/2016 18:21

I'm not a fan of drugs really. Or drink. Not too much. I'd probably say to him that you don't want to go out with someone who does that, and you're not telling him to stop, you're not telling him anything at all in fact, you're merely saying how you feel. What he does in response is the important bit, and if he lies, what you then do.

PPie10 · 15/06/2016 18:41

This will be your life if you stay with him. Please think very very carefully before having children and committing to a life and future with him. A friend of mine did this, she grew up when they had kids but he didn't. She's trapped in this life because her children are too traumatized to live without their father. She has tried but it affected them more being without him than being separated. She's given in and life is so sad. Please think about it, it will always feature in your life.

cocochanel21 · 15/06/2016 22:36

My dd started out using recreational drugs.

She always said she could stop.

I can't describe to you how her life ended up.

She died last year in tragic and upsetting circumstances at 23.

Original poster

Beaniebaby6 · 15/06/2016 23:47

Coco I'm really sorry to hear about your daughter, I cannot imagine. My big fear is losing him or one of our friends through this.

OP posts:

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 16/06/2016 08:34

OP said "He does try not to but it's a normalised culture, almost everyone I know does them but I'm over them"

You do realise that probably the only way your bloke will ever stop is if you and he have nothing to do with anyone who takes drugs? And as apparently almost everyone you know does them, that means breaking contact with every single person you know. Not just you but him as well. Does that seem likely?

Well done for you for growing up and realising you were on a fucking stupid path. But as you know it's a fucking stupid path, why do you want to continue hanging around with a group of friends, almost all of whom are still on that fucking stupid path? Makes no sense.

I never understand people who say "it's normalised culture". No, it really, really isn't. The majority of people in this country do not regularly and routinely take drugs (putting alcohol to one side as being legal). Not unless you CHOOSE to have a circle of friends who are fuckwits. I have an very large circle of friends. None of them take drugs. I know two acquaintances that occasionally smoke weed, but they aren't friends. In fact, I only know one friend who was a cigarette smoker and she's now stopped.

AppleSetsSail · 16/06/2016 08:44

OP, as someone who's not easily scandalised by drug use (I did a fair bit of coke in my youth) - walk away. If he doesn't want to stop, he's not going to stop.

As you get older, you realise that drug use is boring, expensive, silly and dangerous.

Coco I'm terribly sorry for your loss.

AnyFucker · 16/06/2016 08:48

Coco

Op, there will always be "one last blowout"

If he really wanted to stop, he would stop now

And when does "recreational" tip over the line into "compulsive need" ?

Original poster

Beaniebaby6 · 16/06/2016 09:00

I just wouldn't even know how to go about making a whole new circle bit of a scary prospect really. I guess for me it's just easy to say no so I can still be friends with them and go out and not be tempted but he's just not in the same place. We had a huge row last night where he said I might have to go then since he didn't want to be controlled like this, I caved and agreed to the blowout so he poured his stuff down the sink deleted our festival e tickets and now hugely resents me for it all and says he needs to think about our future :/ sort of glad it's out my hands now and he can decide himself, thanks for all replies you've all backed up how I feel, he says asking on here gives a biased view but I say asking his friends gives a biased view!

OP posts:

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 16/06/2016 09:09

OP, get out and get out now. Seriously.

HE needs to think about the future? Clearly, he values drugs more than you, because there ought to be nothing to think about if he is clearly just an occasional user he should be able to give up immediately because you're more important.

You were an idiot caving to agree to his blowout in the first place (how would you have felt if he'd had died as a result)? But he is now punishing you for being sensible by deleting the festival tickets because he decided neither of you should go if he can't go and get spaced out?

Don't be such an idiot any longer. Seriously.

Oh, and the bollocks about he would give up if and when you had children? How many threads have I seen on MN where woman are on here saying they are now pregnant and their OH still hasn't given up? Bloody loads.

Seriously, you were sensible enough to stop doing that shit yourself. Now be sensible enough to kick his ass to the kerb and have absolutely nothing to do with him and that group. Because if you try and stay with that group, he will worm his way back in with his promises and they will help him to do so. You will listen to them because they are all your friends and it's much easier that way. Be stronger.

Isetan · 16/06/2016 09:28

In a way he's right you are trying to make him into something he's not and that is someone who abstains from taking drugs. Is his petulant resentment worth the price of his abstinence? The ball isn't in his court, it's in yours, accept him and his drug use or leave.

Maybe it's time for you to take a bigger step in your new direction by distancing yourself from your old lifestyle.

UmbongoUnchained · 16/06/2016 09:32

It would depend what kind of drug. Weed I could probably love with, my husband has a joint in the morning and before bed as its seems to really help with his epilepsy, but that's obviously different as he's self medicating.

UmbongoUnchained · 16/06/2016 09:32

Anything harder though I couldn't live with. I'm quite anti drugs.

AppleSetsSail · 16/06/2016 09:34

Walk away OP. He sounds truly horrible.

You're so young and you have your whole life in front of you. There are sad stories on MN every day that have the same exact beginning as yours, except these women go on to have children with these men who feel controlled.

You can make new friends. The world is your oyster.

srslylikeomg · 16/06/2016 09:34

I know what you mean about normalised culture op. I have friends who still go to raves/festivals etc and take MDMA. It's not considered a big deal in our circle. However, I don't take it because of my DC, i just wouldn't risk my health like that now. I just hang out with them but go to bed a hell of a lot earlier! So I know it can seem like you are the odd one out and a bit of a square for not having fun and partying in your youth. But when you're done, you're done. You can only control your behaviour and actions, he can only control his. You've explained how you feel but the rest is up to him. You either accept his drug use, 'nag' him about it or leave :(
Coco: I am so so sorry. Drug use can seem fun and lighthearted... Until it's very very much not.

heron98 · 16/06/2016 10:09

Hmm...I'm on the fence. If it's genuinely only every so often I don't see the problem but I am not anti-drugs and don't think they're any worse than drinking provided they are not done to excess. If it was all the time then that would be different.

AppleSetsSail · 16/06/2016 11:13

I could have written your post 10 years ago, heron. Alcohol can be ruinous it's true, but there's something far more pernicious about coke (I have no idea about the others). It's easy to fall into the habit of having a drink = having a line.

I'm now in my early 40s and the people I know who still do coke are fairly tragic.

I hope my kids never go near it. Unfortunately there's a lot of it around in London.

ForestFruits12 · 16/06/2016 14:31

The problem you might find yourself in, is that he may (if he hasn't already) start lying about it. I got myself into a real nightmare situation, where I made my feelings clear, and he said he would stop. He would then do it anyway and lie about it.

cue me turning into an absolute anxious mess, checking his phone, checking his wallet . . even standing outside the bathroom listening out for what he might have been up to.

It eventually ended, and I'm so much happier.

I would say that if you really really don't like it, then leave, as in my experience, it wont change - you will just end up really unhappy.

(ps . . your situation is so much like mine. all our friends do it, and it is all around me when im socialising, so I understand the comment about it being normal in your circle)

xxxxxxxx

mumndad37 · 16/06/2016 14:37

If you are in a circle where drug use is "normalized" what will your children learn from that? Is that what you want? I married one of these, and he is still at it 40 years later (I left a long long time ago) and both Cs ended up addicted at some point. Knowing what I know now, I say Run. For. The. Hills.

Also I found it hard to relate to him at all when he was high; one sober one high makes for really weird communications....

ForestFruits12 · 16/06/2016 15:39

I definitely agree with mumndad37 . . . . .bringing children into this environment isn't fair.

It may sound dramatic to some, but imagine being out of your mind with worry, as he is out with friends having a blow out. it's bad enough when it's just you, but having a baby there at the same time? I couldn't do it.

one of the things that made me realise things weren't worth saving, was when he said that he didn't see the problem doing a small bit of coke when there are children in the house.

LuckyBitches · 16/06/2016 16:42

OP - could it be that he's phasing drugs out of his life, but just at a slower pace than you? I speak as someone who took drugs quite a lot in my youth, but gradually moved away from them when they no longer felt worth it (like not sleeping for two days!). If you genuinely feel this is the case, and you really want to be with him, then maybe it's worth sticking around. He could just be a bit behind you in growing out of drugs as most people do. For me, the warning flag is his friend's suggestion that you're somehow abusive as you sound quite reasonable to me. It sounds like he's blackmailing you.

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