Who's surname to give baby?

[EmilyRosanne]

Me and DP are having huge problems at the moment (many issues at play) but I am thoroughly miserable, 30 weeks pregnant and have had no support through the pregnancy despite complications he seems to be uninterested.

We have a DD already who has his surname as we were engaged when she was born, however this time around with all this going on I feel baby should have my surname or double barrelled.

The only thing that is stopping me currently is the fact DD has his name and this would mean she would have a different surname to her sibling.

What would you do in this situation?

Give your DD your surname as a middle name & do same for new baby OR just double barrel your DD name & give new baby the same!

Your surname. Or his surname as middle name followed by your surname.

My dc have different surnames, it doesn't bother them in the slightest.

I'd want my kids to have the same name I think

If it wasn't already done for your first I would say def give your name as baby will reside with you whatever happens in your relationship but the fact your DD already has his name would swing it for me

I think unless your breaking up right now that to do anything else would be a big statement of the fact your thinking about ending things with him and hurt him

As you already have a DD with him I wouldn't personally want her sibling having a different surname.
So I'd go with either double barrel or give your surname as a middle name

Double barrel both surnames and change the eldest name so they match.

It sounds like the baby's name is not the biggest problem. I am sure someone who is able to help with the bigger issues will be along soon.

I'm sorry you are having a tough time OP. We gave our DS1 my surname as a middle name, and OHs surname. My OH went on and on about how he hated double barrelled names because he thinks they're pretentious. Since his birth it turns out my OHs feelings weren't actually that strong, and double barrelled names aren't so bad after all. It has made me furious! Habing my family name was a big deal to me and I compromused because I thought he felt strongly. Now we are expecting DC2 and I've made it very clear she/he will be double barrelled, and we will be changing DS's name to match. What a faff! Stick to your guns OP, you are the one carrying and labouring this child. Good luck.

Oh my god, look at my spelling! Sorry, fat fingers.

If it was your only child together, I would say your own surname, but as you have an older sibling, double barrel it. And habitually double barrel your older dc's name as well. It may not be official, but in practice there's no reason why not.

Otherwise it just looks like point scoring.

What about an alternative surname? Like Zenkman

I gave my dd ex's surname because ds has it. I now regret it as he hasn't been in dds life and doesn't see ds regularly. I wish I has given them both my name but we were due to get married next year so thought we would all have the same name now my kids have the surname of a man who hasn't seen baby since she was born and hardly seen ds since he left for ow.

I think you should change your DD's name so both children can have the same name. Then double barrel (the fairest way) or give them your name as a surname and your partner's name as a middle name.

What do you plan to do about the relationship? I don't know the back story but it doesn't sound good.

Pizzanchips - that is terrible advice.

Thank you everyone for the advice.

Changing DD's surname would be tricky as I would need his permission to do this and DD (who is starting school) is accustomed to her name and I think it would be hard for her to have it changed, I know it isn't a big deal for siblings to have different names I just don't want either to feel left out or different later in life (for example if things don't work out and DD doesn't share mine and babies surname)

Double barrel.

As you aren't married he really cannot dictate the surname. Even if you were, you still have a say.

Any man who doesn't want to debate his child's surname should marry the mother (if she wants that)

OP there's obviously a lot more going on. I hope you're alright and safe. Do you have support from elsewhere, apart from your OH?

I think to have the same mum and dad and to then have different surnames is bizarre. And your child will likely question it at some point in life. Imagine being told you're different to your sibling because mummy and daddy didn't like each other very much when pregnant with you.

It'll forever be a reminder of this bad patch.

I'd just give the child your partner's surname if you won't double-barrel DD's surname.

I personally wouldn't want 2 dcs, with the same father, with different surnames. I vote for the double barrel option for dc2.

Would he refuse to give your permission to change DD's name (eg to double barrel)?

Difficult to advise further without knowing what the problems are. Clearly the name question is a symptom of much bigger issues.

to give you permission

Yes the bigger problems are the main issue but given the complications in my pregnancy I just want to avoid stress and deliver safely, so for now this is a big thing to consider. I don't think he'd give permission to change DD's name so double-barrelling the new babies name would still be a different surname. I agree with the children getting older and not understanding why they have different names and that upsets me but just feel I will have two children who don't share my surname. It's not a case of not giving baby the name because we aren't getting on its more a case of DD wouldn't have had his name if we hadn't been engaged at the time so I thought I would share her name also.

If you give this baby both surnames, ie double barrelled, your children will still share a surname - their dad's. It's just that DC2 will have yours as well. If you want you can also use both surnames for DD, it just won't be official on her passport unless her dad agrees, but if he doesn't agree she can always change it herself when she's old enough.

I like Emma's suggestion, it seems really reasonable.

I'm pregnant with our first child, the LO will have DH's last name, which is something I admittedly do not like. But my last name is really common, plus I have 2 (half) brothers. His last name isn't common at all and well... His male relative situation is a bit complicated.

But in exchange I get to chose the first and middle names. DH has vetopowers for the first name (for a set of already clearly defined circumstances) and if the initials mean something horrible in English. Maybe you and DH could do something like this?

I'm not sure if this is helpful, probably not. I basically just rambled. But good luck with the pregnancy and your relationship