Am I overreacting?

[barkinginessex]

I glanced at DPs phone Saturday morning and saw a whatsapp message from former OW that she had sent Friday night. It was a friendly "How are you?" message and he had sent a friendly response. I checked his phone again Saturday afternoon and the message has gone. Her name and number isn't stored on his phone but I know it's her (know her number!!). Last night I think he was messaging her again but I haven't been able to check his phone again. Luckily I know the passcode but I need to be alone to check it.
Their affair was nearly 3 years ago and it took me a long time to get over it as they kept in secret contact until about a year ago.
I really thought we had moved on but when I saw the message I felt sick and so betrayed.
The message I saw was only friendly but I need to see what else has been said before confronting or he will minimise.
I don't even really know why I'm posting, I'm just so fed up .

You are not overreacting.

I can imagine the sick feeling.

Had you looked at his phone because of any feeling you had about things?

Oh OP. I feel sick on your behalf...

You know what this means. Surely.

You are not over-reacting. You are under-reacting. This would be it for me.

I'm so sorry.

You are not overreacting. He should not have any contact with her.

You don't know if this is the first message. This could be there code before the proper messages begin. Or she was fishing.

He deleted it because he knows it's wrong.

You need to set your boundaries for him and be clear of the consequences of not complying. I.e. divorce.

You don't get to be friends with your former mistress. It's not on.

What did he learn after the affair?
Was he remorseful or just sorry he was caught?
What did he do to make you feel safe in the relationship after the affair?

How do you really know it ever ended? He's shown you he can't be trusted.

Some good reading is

HOW TO HELP YOUR SPOUSE HEAL FROM AN AFFAIR' by Linda Macdonald and 'NOT JUST FRIENDS' by Dr Shirley Glass.

For heavens sake, why can't he just stop contact for your sake, for the sake of the marriage. Even if they are doing nothing, but being friendly, with their history it is still a betrayal and you have every right to be livid.

Without wanting to sound harsh, get your head out of the sand OP.

His actions do not look good

Omg this is my worst fear ever.

When the affair ended what were your boundaries re contact of the OW?

My H had a fling/EA/affair briefly with another woman. At the time I found a site called surviving infidelity absolutely invaluable. I handled everything badly and IMO wrong until I found that site.

When I found out I gave very firm ground rules and said if they were ever broken I would divorce him.

1. No contact with her what so ever.
2. If she ever contacts you, tell me and we will deal with it together.

I'm not a strong person but no doubt in my mind if I found out he had ever messaged her that would be it for me.

No good can come of messaging one another, even if it is friendly. There not friends and it's so disrespectful to you.

I am the person who needs black and white evidence before I can say or act but the fact he hasn't changed numbers or blocked her really doesn't look good.

My H affair was 5 years ago, I still struggle with it now. And as I said I'm really not strong in that sense but I would be calling him out on it and packing my bags as I've learnt now to respect myself!

Forgot to add, I would call him out on it even without knowing what was in the messages.

If he's deleted them it's because he doesn't want you too see them!

I found out through FB with my H. In his 9 years on Facebook he has never deleted a message from anyone until he was messaging her. I knew in my gut I needed to look (no idea why) and I found the messages in the archive folder as he didn't know how to even delete the messages properly.

Thanks everyone. I'm going to try and get hold of his phone tonight but he may be cagey with it if he's messaging her.
To answer your questions... I made every possible mistake when I found out about the affair (pick me dance, hysterical bonding etc) and I feel like I did all the work to make things right again, I was so shocked that he cheated and scared that I would lose everything.
I'm much stronger now but I don't feel like I have the strength to leave, it will be the hardest thing I'll ever do. I'm not sure what to do now, I can't tell anyone IRL.

I'm not sure what else you need to check his phone for?

He is deceiving you. He is keeping secrets from you. He is not being honest with you. He is communicating with OW. He isn't showing any respect to your marriage or you.

Please find some strength from somewhere and try and look objectively at what your future will be like if you keep putting up with this man.

I'm so sorry OP

The only way forward from an affair is for the person who had the affair to cease all contact with the OW/OM. For ever.

You don't get to a point where several years on you can maintain friendships and so on, the point at which he had the affair was the point at which he crossed the line where friendship could no longer be a factor.

If he's hiding messages he knows that he's back to the point where he's doing something he knows he shouldn't be. If he genuinely wanted to make your relationship work then he would be transparent over any kind of contact. As he isn't he doesn't want to confront the issue.

I had an affair several years ago and even now that I am in a relationship with someone else I would be absolutely transparent over any kind of contact with former OM, even though I wouldn't go back there again, and even though it wasn't my current DP I cheated on.

In fact the OM did recently contact me for some technical information he thought I might know. It was completely innocuous, but before I even responded to him I told my DP that I'd had contact from him. Not because I owe him that, but because he knows my history and it wouldn't occur to me not to tell him.

How many chances are you willing to give OP, the more you give the more he takes, he's completely out of order, why is it so hard to leave, he's still betraying you.

Agree with PP, if you aren't going to leave him then what's the point of checking his phone?

You know he has betrayed you.

I feel sick on your behalf too. What a prick You are not over reacting!!