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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New Partner

18 replies

user1465487105 · 09/06/2016 16:54

My new partner moved in last year with me and my 3 children . My household bills and food are substantial and he feels its ok to contribute 100 a week , as he doesn't cost much ! we were away last week so he thought I was joking when I asked for double this week as he hadn't given me any money when we were away - am I being unreasonable by wanting more from him ? its making me feel very resentful and angry

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 09/06/2016 16:59

What did you agree would be his contribution before he moved in?

Why should he be paying for your kids and you?

If you agreed he'd cover only whatever extra it costs for him to be there, then it's logical that he wouldn't pay it when not there.

Personally I don't think he should be supporting you and your kids - he's just a boyfriend. But not should he be profiting from being there. At £100 a week when he is there he's definitely living cheaper than he could do anywhere else. It's fair to share that gain with you.

Incidentally - your council tax has gone up by a third through him being there, so he owes that in the weeks he's not there, at least!

Why are you putting up with this?
I'd tell him to move straight back out again. But then, I'd have agreed finances carefully before letting him move in.,

TheNaze73 · 09/06/2016 17:07

He's being a tool. You should have set the ground rules before he moved in however, he should have enough about him for this not to even be a discussion

PPie10 · 09/06/2016 17:19

Agree with Cabrinha.

What was the agreement before he moved in and why is it an issue if it was discussed?

Original poster

user1465487105 · 09/06/2016 17:19

yes indeed I should have set groundrules , what a muppet !
Cabrinha he lives here full time , its just we were away in half term with the kids - and I totally agree he shouldn't pay for the children or me as I work full time and don't need his money as we were ok before but its just the principle of it is beginning to grate
He supports his older working daughter with 100% of her rent, bills and food

OP posts:

PPie10 · 09/06/2016 17:20

If you agree that he shouldn't pay for you and your kids then why is it a problem?
You really needed to have worked all this out before moving him in.

Cabrinha · 09/06/2016 17:25

So what are you going to do about it?
If you're happy with £100 a week, then tell he's having a laugh and its £100 a week every week. And be prepared to tell him to move out if he doesn't accept that.

With 3 kids, I'm guessing you get tax credits? Hasn't him moving in reduced that? And as I mentioned, your council tax has gone up by a third. That all happens weeks he's there and weeks he isn't.

How much did it push your council tax up by?

If you can't approach this with him, you don't have a good enough relationship with him to be living together especially with kids - so tell him to move out until you have s closer, better relationship.

Missyaggravation · 09/06/2016 17:25

I don't think he should have to support you and the children, but you shouldn't be worse off because he has moved in. Im in a similar situation with a newish bf, he was hinting at moving in, until I explained that if he did, tax credits etc would take his income into account and he'd have to pony up the difference. Think that took the shine off the idea

Cabrinha · 09/06/2016 17:27

Also it's not clear here at all whether you're angry at this one off pisstake/misunderstanding (depending on your view!) or the ongoing contribution of only £100.

DrMorbius · 09/06/2016 17:27

You seem to be confusing things User btw why all these names User all of a sudden? It's spooky, as I suspect MN has a Borg-drone mentality anyway he shouldn't be paying for your kids. What he pays his DC's... None of your business and so on.

Sit down with him and work out fair amount.

Cabrinha · 09/06/2016 17:31

I love the phrase "pony up", Missy!
We had a similar conversation.
My fiancé: it will so good to live together - let's do it ASAP!
Me: goodbye to your child benefit, tax credits and uni maintenance grant
Fiancé: oh
We're still going to do it, but we've had a proper chat about money first!

DrMorbius · 09/06/2016 17:35

You smooth talking devil Cabrinha, you know how to woo a man

Bananalanacake · 09/06/2016 17:43

'He supports his older working daughter with 100% of her rent, bills and food'

I don't get this, if his oldest daughter is working why is he paying 100% of her rent and bills? He needs to tell her to pay for everything herself.

Cabrinha · 09/06/2016 17:43

I might have been known to croon "honey you can't afford me"

Cabrinha · 09/06/2016 17:46

It's his business whether he pays for his daughter. As long as he pays the £100 a week the OP agreed.

Hopefully the OP is starting to realise that £100 a week is unlikely to be a fair deal for her. I would be surprised if that's almost entirely taken up by tax credit loss and council tax.

OP, he's not your partner, he's your boyfriend. This is not how a partner behaves.

Missyaggravation · 09/06/2016 19:11

Me too cahbrina , it may take the romance out of the situation but with children involved you do have to have some cards on the table talks. My new guy is a taxi driver and younger than me with no experience really if managing a households finances, it all been him him him.

He talks a good talk currently, I'll work every day blah blah, but doesn't walk the walk, let's stay in bed all day . We will see

Original poster

user1465487105 · 09/06/2016 19:15

we agreed that he would pay me an amount each week to cover the food bills , and would pay for evenings out -don't think any fixed amount was discussed , thought he would be fair and honest - the 100 does not cover the food bills , maybe his food and drink :)
Thank you for your advice and thoughts , you know sometimes when you think you are being reasonable but want to confirm it - you have so Thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

user1465487105 · 09/06/2016 19:18

yes I agree USER is weird , joined so I could ask advice , will make myself a more acceptable name :)

OP posts:

Minime85 · 09/06/2016 19:33

I agree you need to have a proper conversation about it. If he lives with your kids and you then to me you are a family unit so he whilst he may not expect to support kids, you come as a package. You said you work full time so not sure what benefits you get?

It's not romantic to talk money but necessary. Each couple will have what works for them and by you asking it's obviously not working for you. Do you rent or mortgage?

I worked out all household bills and split 4 ways and DP pays a quarter of total and then pays for all our food for me and kids. Him too obviously. But it's my mortgage so I pay the mortgage and that's how we want it because it works for us. I don't want any rent as such as its my house but I think it's fair the adults pay for the resources in the house. My gas and electric bill alone is £120 a month. Then there is sky, water, council tax. I think you should do more sums.

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