Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

If I leave can I just take the children.

16 replies

Griphook · 25/05/2016 23:02

Exp won't leave the home. I feel u have no choice, if I leave can I legally take the children from the family home. He says he want custody.

OP posts:

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 25/05/2016 23:15

Why won't he leave? What's happened?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 25/05/2016 23:17

They are your children, so you can take them anywhere you like. Listen, many, many men claim they want custody but for most it's just an empty threat. A stick to beat you with to keep you cowed and under his control. Women are far more likely to put their own lives on hold for years in order to raise their children alone, men much less so.

If he's unhappy that you've removed the children from your current home because he won't accept that your relationship is over he's free to apply through the court for 50/50. Any idea how he might be able to manage that and still earn a decent income?

Original poster

Griphook · 25/05/2016 23:23

Why won't he leave? What's happened? we are separated and he promised a few times that he would leave, he's not, he never will. He's told me he's not giving up everything, he's seen too many men being fucked over by women. He won't leave. So I have to, sooner rather than later. But I was worried that he'd have the advantage over me as they are being removed from the family home.

OP posts:

Original poster

Griphook · 25/05/2016 23:24

Any idea how he might be able to manage that and still earn a decent income? no idea, but not sure I can either. My out going are going to increase 10fold. He says he going to a solicitor, and what a crap mum will come out In court

OP posts:

Mabelface · 25/05/2016 23:28

What he says doesn't mean it's true. You can apply for benefits and you will survive.

goddessofsmallthings · 25/05/2016 23:33

What are your financial circumstances? Are you both working full time? Is the family home rented or mortaged and whose name(s) is on the tenancy/mortgage agreement?

Oddsocksgalore · 25/05/2016 23:47

Mine used to say this ALL the time and I haven't seen him for two years.

Empty threat to keep you there.

Original poster

Griphook · 25/05/2016 23:48

I work school hours, so equal crap money, but I do have access to some money. He works full time, goes away a lot. Rent, both names on tenancy m. Not married

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 25/05/2016 23:56

Who is the primary carer? It's not the family home that is the most important factor in deciding who the children live with (no such thing as custody any more).

Some splitting couples go for 50-50 but usually only if both are working full time or the children are old enough to have some degree of independence. If the children are young and one parent is not working or working part time, it is more usual for the children to live mainly with that parent.

Are you married? If so, you are entitled to a share of the value of the house. Even if you move out now, he may not be allowed to keep the house for himself.

Can you afford to see a solicitor yourself? Even one meeting would be useful to inform you about the process and your legal entitlement. Don't worry if not. Read this:

www.judiciary.gov.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/fjc-financial-needs-april-16-final.pdf

So yes, if the children are willing to come with you, you can take them with you. He can then apply for residency but that doesn't mean he will get it. If you do decide to do this, you should make sure that the children see him regularly. Courts would frown upon a parent who removed the children and then prevented them from seeing the other parent. Keep a record of communications so that you can prove that you are facilitating contact even if he is difficult about it, so that he can't then pretend to a court that you are preventing contact.

DaveCamoron · 26/05/2016 06:14

The OP says right above you that she's not married and the word tenancy implies that they rent...

hesterton · 26/05/2016 06:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannabestressfree · 26/05/2016 06:22

Yes Dave wind your neck in....

Hidingtonothing · 26/05/2016 06:36

The courts will look at who does the lions share of childcare to determine who the DC should live with the majority of the time which, if he works full time and goes away a lot and you work school hours, will be you. It's unlikely he could commit to 50/50 if he has to go away for work so court would most likely award him every other weekend (or one day every weekend) and one night in the week if he can commit to that around work commitments. He would have to pay child support (look up CMS calculator for figures) and, if your wage is low enough, you may get some housing benefit and council tax reduction on top of child tax credit and working tax credit. It may not be as grim as you think OP, have a look at the 'entitled to' website to give you an idea of how much you would get benefits/tax credits-wise and start checking out your housing options. CAB are a good source of info and advice as well and there are lots of people on here who have been through the same situation if you have any specific questions. Best of luck and don't worry, him being in the family home doesn't give him any advantage, it just makes him look like a cunt for forcing you and the DC to find somewhere else to live

Original poster

Griphook · 26/05/2016 07:18

Thank you all, it's nice to have some replies, I've r ad them, but need to read them again. Currently it all seems insurmountable.

OP posts:

meditrina · 26/05/2016 07:33

Yes, I think you move house.

It happens quite a lot to families when the parents split up, and it's not the worst thing that could happen.

Would I be right to assume that you wouldn't be able to afford the rent on your current income anyhow? Because then, although you could seek an order to remain in a family home, all it is likely to do is tie you into financial dependence on him for longer.

You may need to change jobs to increase your earnings (and career potential over time).

And yes, it does all seem insurmountable, but when you actually start doing it it will become do-able.

You may need mediation over the arrangements for the children. Get proper advice on this (and indeed on your housing).

corythatwas · 26/05/2016 08:54

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Wed 25-May-16 23:17:09

"If he's unhappy that you've removed the children from your current home because he won't accept that your relationship is over he's free to apply through the court for 50/50. Any idea how he might be able to manage that and still earn a decent income?"

Does not the same question apply to the OP? Or have I suddenly strayed into the 1920's here?

Sorry, OP, know the above is nothing to do with you; just hate the way we still think about men and women as having totally different responsibilities. Hope all goes well for you- and if this separation is something you need to do, then you will find a way.

It does sound to me like your ex is just using the word "custody" like an empty threat and has no idea what a modern arrangement negotiated through the courts might actually look like (and the kind of expectations and constraints that would place on him), so if that is what Bitter meant, then I think s/he is right.

Flip