what's the best way to deal with an emotional abusive exH?

[HoldOnHoldOn]

Just that really. Abusive phone calls, gas lighting, bullying, undermining and belittling my parenting, financially controlling, unreliable childcare eg changes agreed plans with less than 24hrs notice...I could go on! We've been divorced 6 years but I still have contact with him because he sees the children regularly and so I feel I have to make an effort to communicate with him for their sakes. Feel like I'll never be free of him and just don't know what to do. Feel so helpless.

• a legally drawn up and enforceable childcare arrangement
• caller ID and no picking up the phone if it's him, unless it's a day when he has the children with him and it could be an emergency (and if it isn't, cut short and hang up)
• interactions only in writing, and only about practical arrangements that concern the children (if he writes about other stuff ignore it, and respond only to the logistically necessary stuff)
• if he harasses or threatens you, take it to the police.

Set up a new email account for communicating with him only. Tell him that's the only form of communication that you're willing to have with him, and it's to be about the children, and nothing else.

Bar calls from his numbers and if you can't do that then never answer the phone to him. If he can't contact you he can't bully you.

Have a think: if he's emotionally abusive to you then who are likely to be his next victims when you won't engage with him any longer? Bullies aren't fussy. Is it in the children's best interests to be in constant contact with a man who abuses his ex-wife SIX YEARS after their divorce.

Never, ever rely on him for child-care, that's just another stick to beat you with. Give him nothing.

You feel helpless because he's still in charge, or has persuaded you that he is. Take the power back from this arse. Bullies are weak, not strong but he's possibly a lot more desperate than you are. That makes him pathetic and sad. An object of pity, really.

Thanks both. Needed to hear that.