Has anyone else's DH changed over the years?

[Whyohwhy72]

Mine has!

Started out a fun and likeable man when we met, was romantic, hard working, loved life, did his 50% share around the house when we moved in. Was interested in travel and having long discussions over a meal/bottle of wine.

Fast forward 15 years....

Miserable, always snapping at the kids like they are a hinderance to him, lazy around the house and doesn't show any affection at all unless pushed.

I just don't get how someone can change so much. I've asked him if he wants out but he says not and that this is just how he is. He loves the kids but clearly doesn't enjoy the hard work that comes with them. He won't admit that though! He says he is not depressed and the doc didn't seem to think so either when he went to see him (on my request). He still seems relatively happy when in the company of his mates/workmates.

I know people change or else people wouldn't get divorced generally but is this usual? Am I asking too much for him to show a bit more interest in me, the kids and our family? It's been getting worse year on year.

Everyone changes over time.

If you are very lucky then you change in ways which complement each other. IME most people don't, and that makes them miserable, so they split up.

OP no idea if this is helpful or not as I'm not married

but I've changed so much over the years, my friends and family have been quite thrown. I don't live with my friends, sister or parents, but even then they have found it hard. It's partly because I changed from introvert to extrovert and don't really want to go out much.

they also thought something must be wrong and I found it annoying because I'm actually much happier now than before. I think there was a long overlap period of me needing to be the way I am now and actually doing it, because I did feel bad not spending "enough" time with friends and family.

it has more than a little to do with me choosing to stay single.

I have considered how hard this must be for people in relationships, because I am not the only person - by a long stretch - who has changed so much over a long period of time. I have friends who have been affected by this kind of thing in their marriages.

Of course if you live with people, you should not be snapping at that often, that's no good. But I do wonder if it's worth having a chat with your husband about his emotional needs. Could he do with more quiet time alone? Is that practical in terms of how he needs to contribute to the household? From watching people I know, I feel like many rows - especially if one person is introverted - are due to people overload and spending too much time together. So you would need to think about - would you prefer less time with him and him in a better mood? etc

hope it works out for you.

OP "He loves the kids but clearly doesn't enjoy the hard work that comes with them. "

just to add, I think this happens to a lot of people too. How old are the kids? It's the sort of thing that will get better, friends with small children are having/have had a horrible time. Now some of my friends, who thought they were going to lose their minds, are barely seeing their teenage kids and have time to go running and play piano etc.

Sadly I think a lot of people think the hard work that comes with kids will be okay for them, when actually it isn't. He has to do it of course, which is maybe why he doesn't want to say what a pain it is - frightened to hear the words out loud?

I could have almost written your post word for word.
I think that with time, the daily grind of the pressure of everything (responsilbity) changes people.

For myself, since having the children, I believe I've changed for the better. I used to be quite selfish and carefree but through training as a volunteer and meeting some really lovely friends, I became a much more caring person, who really loves helping others.

DH on the other hand, has got less and less tolerant of others and of me! He thinks I nag, I think he is lazy. He doesn't chat anymore, like when we used to spend hours in a restaurant. He adores the kids but doesn't really show it.

I guess life isn't all roses and loveliness and it becomes much more real than romantic spa breaks and dinner parties. However, it does sound like your DH needs to listen to you more and help you get back a more normal, less tired, family life.

I think generally people become less tolerant with age and that can easily manifest itself in grumpiness. Day to day life IS pretty boring with the same old people year-in, year-out. Add to that the relentlessness of child-rearing, the fact that many of us had DC later in life than earlier generations did so we're more tired, everything is more expensive now, jobs are more pressurised, many people are juggling a job with small DC and elderly parents, many of us live miles from family and old friends and so get very little practical support or time off from work/parenting, and its a pretty toxic mix.

My DH can be a grumpy git, but he has a pressured job, I don't work (trying to find a job now, but he'd rather I stayed at home), and tbh our DC, though lovely, are bloody hard work and make weekends as stressful as weekdays. I can't remember the last time DH and I any more than a few hours without them. Its mentally exhausting.

Thanks for the replies. Maybe it is a case of mental exhaustion. The kids are 9 and 6 so still hard work. It's definitely got worse since no 2 came along.

Life seems a real grind to him and of course it is to me at times too.

I don't know what the answer is.

Just feels like a case of "is this it"

Feels like we have completely disconnected and he has also extended this to the kids. He loves them and tells them this often but when it comes to putting some effort in or showing interest in what they do he switches off.

We have spoken about it a lot but we never seem to get anywhere.

Well everyone changes over 15 years, but not that much.

DH is a bit more tired and grumpy, but a lot of that is because he is working harder and in more responsible roles than 15 years ago. He sometimes runs out of patience with the kids, but it's hard not to, tbh.

I think that part of the problem for you, OP is that you've grown up and embraced all the extra stuff that comes with having a family, while he hasn't.

Are you managing to get some romantic/any time just the two of you?
If your youngest is two, could you get your parents/inlaws to come for a weekend to look after them while you head off to a lovely country hotel/Travelodge? Go out for dinner, see a movie, forget about the kids and jobs at home and just remember what it was that you loved about each other.
Even if it's 15 mins down the road, it's still getting 'away'.

The kids are 9 and 6 so still hard work. It's definitely got worse since no 2 came along.

I hear you. I feel the same way. Mine are 8 and 5 and its just bloody boring a lot of the time. The same shit day after day. Weekends spent chivvying them to do their homework.The same banal questions over and over. 'Mummy, mummy, mummy' all day long. Argh!

I look at dp & really wonder what the f**k i saw in him!
Hes an overweight, miserable git!! I've wasted the best years of my life on him.

I was grateful he would even look at me 17 years ago...

I could've written this post myself. My kids are 8 and 2, day to day life is blooming boring and the kids are really hard work- especially the youngest. DH loves the kids but can't tolerate their noise, mess, kid behaviour.
He doesn't engage in conversation, is irritable and no fun to live with.
Now I have always seen the kids youngest years as the time when life isn't as fun as before them in one sense but is the most interesting time watching them learn etc
DH has decided that since our daughter came along he's moved too far down on my list of priorities and has decided to leave
No loss to us, he just wasn't prepared to grow up

I think it's called Real Life OP. It's what happens when the kids come along.

I always think Real Life changes people and if you're damned lucky, you'll change and still manage to stay together...

You are right Horsemad. It's a wonder why so many people are so desperate for it when younger when it becomes so dull.

Enfru - that's pretty much it. He can't tolerate The day to day grind and noise. It's has severely affected him. He was all for another one too. Christ knows why when he has shown very little interest in either of them since.

OP do you mean he wanted another after they both arrived, or before that he wanted three?

i do know couples who got closer after children. I don't think there's a why. I hope things get better for you.