DD disclosed a secret.

[cheesecadet]

My 11 year old told me that her friend asked her to keep a secret.

But my DD has done the sensible thing of telling me. (We always say never to keep secrets anyway). She thinks her friend will be mad.

Friend showed her some big scratches on her arm and said that she said " it makes me feel good and I do it for fun"

Now I don't know if it's self harming or messing about but I need to tell her mum, who I don't know personally, without dropping my DD in it, (only her and one other friend know).

How do I go about this?

I would call her mum. I would say that I have reason to think your daughter may be self-harming (it is very common unfortunately) and I'd want to know if I were you. the mum could check her arms, ask her about the scratches and specifically ask her if she is self-harming.

my dd had scratches on her arm age 12. I noticed them. She told me it was from running during cross-country through the woods which was credible. It wasn't. she was self-harming. if another mum had known I'd hope she would have told me. no need to reveal the breach in confidence, the mum can check by herself and start the conversation.

Also I think kids tell their friends because they want someone to know. I know my dd wanted us to know, she just didn't know how to express that she was self harming and the reasons why.

It is terribly common now though. wish it wasn't. good luck.

Call the girl's mum and/or the safeguarding person at the school.

Thank you.

I will get in touch with her mum. Thing is it'll have to be through Facebook. Shall I say, "can I please have your number, I'd like to discuss something with you"

You could give her your phone number and email address, and ask her to call you or give you her number?

Be aware though that she might not get your message (I think messages from people you don't know get filtered into a different folder). So don't be offended if she doesn't respond, it might just be that she hasn't seen it.

Definitely call the school on Monday in case she doesn't get the message or doesn't know how to deal with it - your DD's friend could do with support from the school as well.

Is she a friend from school?

I had similar, and I told the head of year. The girl turned out to have quite serious MH problems and the school was really excellent at getting her the help she needed.

My DD was so relieved I had done it. Quite a number of the girls in the class knew, but didn't tell anyone out of misguided loyalty.

We're actually Facebook friends just don't meet up or anything. So she'll see the message.

Also my DD says that she's always happy. I also always see her as being very bubbly and smiley, but that doesn't mean anything does it?

I think you should contact school (Head of Year if secondary - not sure who if still primary ) & stress how confidential it needs to be.

That way they can speak to the mother without your DD being the source.

Good luck

If you know the mum, then a quiet word might be enough.

No, no no. DO NOT call her Mother. Speak to the teacher. There could be abuse at home and calling her Mother would be a bad idea.

Call the school. They could say they've seen the marks etc during Pe or overheard a conversation. Much better than you telling the mum directly, then the school can keep an eye out and support the girl as well.

Contact school not the mother - eg email HT/HoY/Safeguarding Officer

DD mentioned to me during a general conversation last night that X has scratches on her arm and has said it makes her feel good and she does it for fun.

I am passing this on in case it is a cause for concern.

DD would rather it was not known by X she has told me this, as she is upset that she feels she is betraying her friend’s confidence. If anyone does need to speak to her about this, please can it be done gently (as I am sure it would be!) as I would hope she can continue to feel she can confide in me.

I was told by the school that my daughter's self harming was noticed during sports.I was unaware as my 12yr old dd had managed to hide it from me.I did notice after that she had plasters that did not come from home and as we are rural she cannot access shops herself so a friend must know and be supplying.I also talked to our GP who said it was a problem in DDS school and talking at work revealed a lot of parent with the same problem.I would call the school,leave a little gap so that your dd is not implicated as this girl needs friends around that she can trust.

I also always see her as being very bubbly and smiley, but that doesn't mean anything does it?
Not a thing. Either she genuinely is bubbly and happy, and is just self harming for funsies, or the bubbliness is to hide how she really feels or otherwise part of whatever she has going on with her mind. But the issue at hand is the self harming, she needs help with that regardless :)

I'd go with letting the school know to be honest, the girl's mum may take it better coming from them, you and DD can be anonymous, and the school should be able to provide them both with support. You don't know the real reason behind this girl's self harming, it could be something to do with her home life, and also there are still a lot of people out there who don't "get" why people self harm :( if the school knows, they can at least keep an eye on her if her mum/parents bury their heads in the sand and do nothing.

Call the mum first, not the school. I called school regarding some similar concerns with my own DD and they threw her off the premises requesting a full mental health professional opinion before they let her back in, it was terrible and I mistakenly thought they would be helpful.
Getting DD back in even after fulfilling the schools requirements was made worse by a grilling from the designated safeguarding teacher who I had removed from the meeting due to her totally unprofessional attitude. DD was back in school within an hour, but it was horrendous.

No OP inform the school.Just like you've said this little girls always looks happy and is bubbly the self harming could be because of an issue that's going on at home.

If it is something at home telling a parent that they're child has started confiding in someone else could end up putting that child is grave danger!

I used to teach and I worked with SS,I've seen when this has gone wrong,it's always best to be careful.Speak to the school first thing Monday morning.x

Do not call the mum. You don't know if her reaction could escalate the self harming. (if that is what it is)

Thanks for all the comments.

Some conflicting ones there. Although it looks unlikely there'd be abuse at home (parents appear nice, stable, loving) I'm going to go with calling the school I think.

See if they can make out it's been seen by a teacher.

And if the girl does think it's my DD I'm hoping she'll see it as her being concerned and worried, (as they are best friends).

Thanks all.

Good choice. They won't indicate who told them OP. They'll just say "It has been drawn to their attention"

And don't tell DD you've told the school. That way she can be surprised when she hears from her friend.

Call the school, mainly because then you're not getting involved, and they'll have a designated person who can deliver the message and advice. Phone and ask for either the safeguarding lead or someone pastoral.

They won't indicate who told them OP. They'll just say "It has been drawn to their attention"
This. It's exactly how it went down when the school told my parents. This was back before the more recent awareness about self harm too.

^ people often phone concerns anonymously too, I suspect most are parents of other children. We would just say 'it has been brought to our attention' too.