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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

"You're not serious, are you?"

36 replies

heavenisaplaceinperth · 16/05/2016 06:59

Can someone help me verbalise why I found this and other, similar things he says, offensive? It's just disdainful, no? Aimed at showing me up as stupid and small? That's what it feels like, anyway.

He claims he was genuinely asking whether or not I was serious (about some utterly minor point about numbers) but it's the tone of voice, isn't it?

Things were going so well. I think he spoiled it by using this negative, unhelpful, slightly contemptuous phrase - he thinks I spoiled things by calling him out on it

OP posts:

Walkacrossthesand · 16/05/2016 07:19

'Well, I was, but if the question isn't worrhy of your lofty consideration then let's just leave it shall we?'.
I wouldn't say it many times before I decided he wasn't a person I wanted to spend time with.

Baconyum · 16/05/2016 07:20

How long have you been with him?

PotteringAlong · 16/05/2016 07:21

It depends what you've said. 1+1=3 is a minor point about numbers but I'd still be incredulous that you'd said it.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 16/05/2016 07:24

I use if someone asks a really daft question. Sometimes it's an automatic response and I genually am shocked that they've asked! No intention to be any ruder than the person questioning me originally.

Original poster

heavenisaplaceinperth · 16/05/2016 07:25

18 years, Baconyum.

Incredulous, maybe, but does it need to be expressed in such a contemptuous way, Pottering? I just threw out an estimate of how much I thought a house extension would cost. What would have been wrong with 'well, I don't think it would come to that much because this, this and this.'

OP posts:

Original poster

heavenisaplaceinperth · 16/05/2016 07:26

It's the tone of voice. You can be genuinely shocked but there's no need to make the other person feel like shit at the same time, imo ...

OP posts:

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 16/05/2016 07:29

Sounds more like genuine surprise at someone who may not have bothered to look any further than a guess.
People can be a little thoughtless to others all the time without meaning anything sinister by it, especially if genuinely surprised.
It would be great if we all had time to think about what someone has said for a while and formulate a measured response in each and every conversation, but it doesn't work like that!

Original poster

heavenisaplaceinperth · 16/05/2016 07:31

Really? I'm being oversensitive then?

To me, it's just a crappy way to communicate

OP posts:

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 16/05/2016 07:31

Sorry cross post. If he makes you feel like shit a lot you've got a problem, if it happens occasionally you haven't. I simply cannot believe that anyone hasn't unintentionally made someone feel like shit at some point.

Brainnotbrawn · 16/05/2016 07:35

It sounds like you are not compatible if a lot of what he says makes you feel as you do. It is genuinely hard to tell from the example cited whether he was out of line but it does not really matter because it is obviously not the first time you have felt dismissed by him.

Original poster

heavenisaplaceinperth · 16/05/2016 07:36

I just wouldn't say that to someone. I feel it's confrontational. And I don't feel it was unintentional surprise on his part but a desire to make me feel stupid at having suggested such a wildly inflated figure (I put £100k out there; he said it would be more like £40k. Big deal.)

OP posts:

Original poster

heavenisaplaceinperth · 16/05/2016 07:37

Not the first time by a long way, Brain

OP posts:

CheerfulYank · 16/05/2016 07:40

Whether or not we'd find it unreasonable doesn't really matter. It makes you feel bad. Surely he can stop saying it. It's not really that big a deal.

Original poster

heavenisaplaceinperth · 16/05/2016 07:41

Surely he can stop saying it.

I would have hoped so, CheerfulYank, but he likes to have these things in reserve to express his incredulity at my stupidity at times.

OP posts:

CheerfulYank · 16/05/2016 07:43

Tell him he's being an annoying bag of dicks and deliberately saying something you find hurtful, which is not kind at all and he should knock it on the fucking head immediately.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 16/05/2016 07:54

OP - I'm sure you wouldn't say that to someone, but I bet you've said something at some point that has seemed confrontational/unkind/insensitive to them.

Human interaction goes a bit wonky sometimes, nobody is perfect.

But you've said he makes you feel like shit a lot so your problems are bigger than a slightly thoughtless response.

Original poster

heavenisaplaceinperth · 16/05/2016 07:58

Tell him he's being an annoying bag of dicks and deliberately saying something you find hurtful, which is not kind at all and he should knock it on the fucking head immediately.

I'll maybe give that a go, Cheerful!

But I know his attitude would be that this is the kind of normal thing normal people say to each other in a normal relationship and that I'm being over the top.

OP posts:

shovetheholly · 16/05/2016 08:11

Unless it's said jokily, it seems really dismissive and rude. And, if part of a wider pattern of such behaviour, bullying - in the sense that it's part of a tendency to belittle you.

Kr1stina · 16/05/2016 08:15

18 years is a long time , especially if you feel he treats you badly

How are things otherwise ?

herecomethepotatoes · 16/05/2016 08:19

"But I know his attitude would be that this is the kind of normal thing normal people say to each other in a normal relationship and that I'm being over the top."

I agree with him. Your reaction does seem pretty OTT.

Are you saying he's spoiled an 18 year relationship by saying that?

Original poster

heavenisaplaceinperth · 16/05/2016 08:21

Not wonderful tbh, Kr1stina! But we've both been working really hard to try and fix things, and were starting to get back on an even keel. When he said that, though, my stomach just sank. He really seems to have no insight into how he comes across.

OP posts:

Kr1stina · 16/05/2016 08:23

So you are saying that if you told you how his comment made you feel, he would just disregard your feelings and your opinion ?

Do you think that your relationship is improving ?

IlikePercyPig · 16/05/2016 08:26

To be fair if my wife thought an extension would cost £100k I'd be like 'really?' before laughing (not at her) and saying that she should halve that figure.

But that's us, I have no idea how your DH meant for it to come across.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/05/2016 08:31

If it's a large-ish 2 story extension it probably will be close to £100K!!!
We are just considering extending out kitchen, 1 story and can get a lot done at cost and we are looking at £40-60K!

Are you having joint counselling to try to fix things?
I am assuming this is just the tip of the iceberg?

Baconyum · 16/05/2016 08:33

Yes the rest of the relationship provides context. I can be a sarcastic mare but if I know someone would not appreciate it I reign it in. I certainly hope I don't hurt peoples feelings with it.

My closest friends are the ones I'm most likely to do this with, and some of us are downright insulting to each other

Unfortunately dd has to explain herself sometimes as she's picked it up from me but hasn't yet quite learned to keep it to those OK with it .

But yes if he's repeatedly condescending with the intention to undermine you that's not on.

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