Talking DH into baby no 2

[cantpickagoodusername]

I have a 19mn ds and am desperate to start trying for a second baby. Despite my dh originally also wanting two he now is not sure because the first 6months of being parents almost ended our marriage. I'm finding his indecision hard, I'm getting older and struggled to conceive first time round and don't want a big age gap. I don't know what to say to him, I can't promise that it won't be hard but I feel like we must have both learnt from our previous experiences

I would love some advice.

You still have a very young child. What do you mean by had difficulty conceiving? Ivf? How old are you?

I'm 35, conceived naturally but took 2yrs due to PCOS

Sorry, but this is not a subject you talk someone into - of either sex. You may talk about it, but it should be open and honest. You say why you want a second child, he gets to express his concerns about why he doesn't. His reasons may be equally valid as yours. I suspect your reason for wanting a child is simply "because I want one" and his reason for not wanting one will be "last time nearly destroyed our marriage".

Both views are valid. Your wishes do not outweigh his. If he is adamant at not wanting another child, you have two options - you learn to accept your family is the three of you, or your split up your family so you can have another child with someone else or by sperm donor. Remember your decision also impacts on your existing child.

This is not "I'd like to go here on holiday, my husband wants to go there, how do I talk him round to my location" as we're talking creating a new life.

You are " desperate " and he's " not sure " .

This is not a good basis to bring another baby into the world .

You can't 'talk DH into' creating another DC.

Speak to him about your concerns and let him tell you his.

Then see where you are at.

Reverse it. How would you feel if your DH tried to talk you into something you really didn't want to do, completely disregarding your reasons for not wanting it?

You can't talk him into it. If one child you both wanted almost ended your marriage, then a child only one of you wants is not going to go any better.

No you can't talk him into it, because when it gets hard (and with a 2/3 year old and a newborn it WILL get hard) your dp will resent you for convincing him to do something he didn't really want to do and then he'll blame you when life is hard which iant fair on anyone. You can talk about it though, maybe he'd be happier to try again in say a year or 2 so ds would be more independent?
I know how you feel, I really wanted another and dp not so much but now ds is nearly 3 dp has decided that another is a good idea but I didn't talk him into it.

It sounds like he has well-founded reasons for his stance at the moment. If your relationship was strained with just one baby, I'm sorry to say that it will be more difficult when you add in a second, considering that you will have a pre-schooler as well. He may be rightly thinking "what if we have twins"?
I would suggest enjoying what you have now and seeing how things pan out over the next 6-12 months. Your child is still very young.

If it almost ended you the first time, add another in the mix and it's a recipe for disaster. Trust me.

What happened on the first 6 months? Are things better now?

You have good reasons for wanting to ttc soon and I can understand your concern if Dh has changed his mind. I would try to talk about it in a non confrontational way to get a sense of if he means later or never.

We agreed to have 2dc with 2 year age gap. It was very very tough in first year. It is not a bad thing to have a bigger age gap but I totally get why you would rather not wait.

I always find it baffling how people think they can plan how many children they're going to have.. It's completely naive and unrealistic.

OP If one baby nearly wrecked your marriage, another is only going to make things harder not easier. IMO it would be extremely unfair on your DH and LO to try and push this. Maybe in time, as your LO gets older DH might change his mind, but that's something only he can do, not you. It's unfair for you to try and do it for him!

We are expecting our 2nd DC this year. Our DS was a really easy baby and now toddler but it put us through the mill. We both decided to try again together having talked through all the pitfalls and challenges. I wouldn't have done it if DH hadn't been 100% behind it because it wouldn't have been fair on him or DS.

We decided to start trying and got pregnant on the first attempt! This was despite enduring 5 years of heartbreak to get DS. We were both stunned and slightly gutted because we were looking forward to lots of baby making sex and the morning sickness pretty much landed instantly!

Because you've had issues doesn't mean you will next time. But don't go down the path of we'll see what happens as a compromise because you could get pregnant quickly and your DH may feel railroaded.

I've never understood the argument of walking away to have another child if your partner doesn't want another. Surely the child you do have should be the priority and breaking up their family for this reason isn't in their best interests. Maybe I'm just old fashioned (bring back the tweed jacket ).

I would never bully him into having a second child, but am finding it difficult that he won't talk to me about it, and I don't know whether it's not now or not ever. I appreciate that things were very difficult with our first, but I feel that we were both naive first time parents and have learnt a lot, and that no two babies are the same, a second child would be challenging but for different reasons. Additional our ds was EMCS so we had our mums on a rota living with us for 2months as I recovered which really knocked my confidence and put an additional strain on things, but he doesn't acknowledge this a partial cause of problems.

'Mums living in on a rota for 2 months'

blimey no wonder he is reluctant.

I'd enjoy your toddler together now, rather than concentrating on trying to convince him to talk about trying again.

I'd give it some time.

Hmmmmm... This needs to be talked over seriously. The flip side is that if you just accept his not wanting a second child then you may well become very resentful and that won't bode well for your marriage either! Is it only your marriage that he's worried about or is fatherhood not what he anticipated? I truly think all the pros and cons should be very carefully weighed up.

I realise that this isn't applicable to everyone but I do believe that giving your child a sibling offers them some sort of support, companionship and understanding in their lives. It also helps with sharing of family responsibilities/ grieving etc especially when older. I find my sister a huge source of comfort and have done throughout my life. I always wanted 3 children but my DH will not come around to the 3rd. If he had stopped after one I would have been devastated and it would definitely have impacted our marriage.

All of this needs to be properly discussed between you before any lasting decisions are made.

I completely agree with what you have said Whimsical1975. Those are my views on siblings. I worry that a decision not to have a second child would also have negative consequences on our marriage. It probably already is as I feel v anxious not knowing. But I'm not sure how to communicate this without it sounding like me trying to blackmail him into it!

Additionally I've been having a rough time at work, but decided to stick it out as the maternity package is good and the company v family friendly. A decision which I thought DH supported, but that feels like mixed messages.

I wouldn't want to "talk" my dh in to another baby. It has to be something you both want.

Enjoy your 19month old, have fun being parents for now. Give it some time and then chat over future children

It sounds to me like this marriage is in serious trouble because you think not having a second child would have negative consequences on your marriage and your husband thinks having a second child would have negative consequences.

Perceived wisdom on MN is that the partner not wanting a baby trumps the one who does want a baby. If you really can't accept only having one child, and that you would resent your husband over it, then the marriage will fail because you'll probably leave him to give you that chance of another child. Bearing in mind your age, how difficult it was to conceive last time and the likelihood of finding another partner (again, bearing in mind your age and urge to conceive quickly due to "age gap") you may find you leave your husband and end up without a second child and your current child has to split time between living with one parent in the week and another at weekends.

By the way, you do know lots of people are perfectly content with one child and that one child does not grow up with problems or issues because it didn't have siblings, don't you?

^^ what Still said about only children.

Whilst there are loads of people who have positive sibling relationships there are an equal number of those that don't.

I think I titled this poorly. I don't want to bully my dh into another child he doesn't want. But I feel that feeling overwhelmed, alone, anxious etc in the first few months of being a mum can't be that unusual, and neither can letting that affect your marriage or taking it out on your OH. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm being overly optimistic but I believe things could be different second time round.

I'm 35 - have a 14 month old. In going to wait till the end of next year to try for another as the thought of two too close together tips me over the edge lol. I must admit though my main reason for wanting another is because in adulthood, I hate being an only child (both my parents have passed away). Could you wait maybe a couple of years and see how he feels about it then?

No you're right it is really normal for a the first few months of having a new baby the be very stressful and that does take a toll on a marriage but it will be just as stressful with number 2 too, although now you do have the benefit of knowing exactly what.to expect and more importantly that it's a phase of readjustment that does end, at the time of having DS I remember worrying wtf had i done to my life

I don't think it's a question of one persons views trumping the others. But the biological facts are that only the woman can conceive, give birth and breast feed .

And the social norm is that the vast majority of parenting is done by the mother.

And women's careers , incomes, savings, pensions and social life are adversely affected by parenthood much more than men's .

So in general another child will change the mother's life far more than the fathers.

But unfortunately there's no compromise between having a baby and not having a baby .

If you end up with a baby like my first born (cries constantly, up every hour to two hours for the first 8 months plus, needs to be moved about and talked to constantly, screams constantly, up from 4am and on the go go go all the way up until bedtime for the next few YEARS past toddlerhood), you'll be screwed. I'm so, so lucky my other two after him are easy, it would've destroyed me having another high needs child.

I'm going to give you my advice as to how to discuss issues with a partner who struggles with communication.

1. Bring up the issue whilst watching something linked- siblings in a film, a couple TTC, and talk through the characters THEN bring it round to you.

1. Really listen to him when he talks, ask him questions and repeat what he says back to him to really check you are understanding what he is saying- not just projecting what you fear/hope onto his words.

1. Discussing things without eye contact (eg in the car) is meant to help discussion, rather than over dinner or tea.