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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Fed up with lazy shouty DH

21 replies

Pinkvici22 · 14/05/2016 20:10

Please feel free to ignore... I just need to vent!

DH and I married for 5 years, together 13. One DD nearly 4. Everything looks perfect to the outsider...nice home, good jobs, no debts etc., but I'm bored. DH has no amibition and is just really lazy.

Today I've been out for the day with DD, shopping, her activities, out for lunch. DH says he was staying home. That's fine, I love days with DD. I get home and he's done nothing - wet washing not pegged out, washing up not done, stuff not put away etc. I'm annoyed but haven't said anything.

DD very tired and has a tantrum for no apparent reason (other than she's 3?!), and DH goes nuts. He's really shouted at her (not the first time and I've told him I don't agree with this behaviour...she responds better when talked to). I've just had enough.

OP posts:

Ijustwannabreakfree · 14/05/2016 20:28

Wow, he sounds lovely!!! Is he always like this? X

Original poster

Pinkvici22 · 14/05/2016 20:49

No but he seems to have got more irritable and then will act as though nothing happened!

Thank you for replying!

I'm having a long walk to clear my head!

OP posts:

Naicehamshop · 14/05/2016 20:59

Shouting at very young children is unacceptable behaviour.

Original poster

Pinkvici22 · 14/05/2016 21:01

I totally agree - I'm not saying I've never done it (when very stressed and at my wits end)...but in this circumstance there was no excuse.

OP posts:

Lilaclily · 14/05/2016 21:01

Could he be depressed though ? Ratty irritable no mojo to get jobs done was me when very depressed

Original poster

Pinkvici22 · 14/05/2016 21:16

lilac I don't know. He's always been so laid back and a real happy go lucky guy, so I don't know what's changed.

I haven't noticed any symptoms of depression although he's put on a lot of weight (not sure if that's related in any way).

I feel like we've grown apart and the other issues are just adding to this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinkvici22 · 15/05/2016 06:25

Thanks for all the replies last night. I got home from my walk about 9.20, and DH was already in bed. I'm now up with DD and he's still in bed so we haven't even spoken.

OP posts:

Dellarobia · 15/05/2016 06:36

Sounds like you need to sit down and have a serious conversation about this.

Original poster

Pinkvici22 · 15/05/2016 06:54

I totally agree Della - I'm all for talking but DH is terrible at serious chats. He tends to just sit and listen and then either go off in a huff or assume it's all sorted and act as though nothing has happened!

OP posts:

Ratbagcatbag · 15/05/2016 07:05

I love my DH, and been with him a very similar time to you have yours. Last year with a dd the same age as yours (ie just 3 now) we kept having similar (although he did pull his weight with housework etc) I got so fed up back in Jan I gave him an ultimatum and he knew I meant it. It felt like I was constantly trying to manage his behaviour, manage dd so she didn't spark him off and overall it was killing my feelings for him. He was genuinely upset and sorted some counselling through work. Within a couple of weeks there was a significant improvement and four months on its unrecognisable to what it was. We both have moments when we can be grumpy but we play to each other's strengths much more. He absolutely knew I was serious about going which helped make some changes.
I wanted to say things can improve if you both want it too, but you need to decide what's acceptable to you.

Dellarobia · 15/05/2016 07:07

Would he consider going on a marriage course? DH and I went on one a few years ago and it was really good for improving our communication.

Original poster

Pinkvici22 · 15/05/2016 07:23

Thank you Ratbag and Della...DD and I are going out for the day with my mum so I'll try to talk to him tonight.

OP posts:

HermioneJeanGranger · 15/05/2016 08:29

It really does sound like it could be depression. When I had it at my worst, I slept a lot, was short-tempered and irritable, had no motivation and could quite happily sit staring at the TV all weekend and not care about the consequences.

His behaviour is not excusable by any means, but I really think you should consider the possiblility of depression. He needs to see his GP and get some help and counselling.

Original poster

Pinkvici22 · 15/05/2016 14:21

Oh god I'm out with my mum and DD and DH has just sent a text which suggests that everything's fine and we're all ok?!

OP posts:

Dellarobia · 15/05/2016 14:28

Exactly as you predicted in your previous post!

Original poster

Pinkvici22 · 15/05/2016 15:03

Exactly! Just got home and he's obviously made a bit of an effort (tidied and put things in the lift etc.), but he's made it clear he doesn't want to talk as he doesn't think there's anything to talk about.

OP posts:

madmother1 · 15/05/2016 15:08

Just a thought, is he a bit fed up with you going out with your DD and not inviting him?

Tryingtowait · 15/05/2016 15:27

I actually wondered similar to madmother

My ds is 3 and is a complete mummy's boy and we have a very close relationship. I've found in the past that dh has been jealous of this, as before I suppose I would have given dh more attention.

If he is depressed and the putting on weight as well he may feel unloved or like he doesn't get your affection as much? Not blaming you as often I focus a lot of effort into ds and not enough couple time with dh. Also sounds like dd is closer to you then him which might bring some envy.

I've actually put my son in nursery on an afternoon where me and dh don't work so we can have some 'adult' time and just chill and be a couple.

Hope you guys can talk it through and sort this out

Original poster

Pinkvici22 · 15/05/2016 15:34

There may be some sense in what you say. DD is closer to me and I make a massive effort to spend every second with her at weekends as I have a very intense job and I'm often home late.

It's unusual for me and DD to spend so much time away from DH at weekends though - this weekend has just worked out like that (mostly cos he hates shopping!!).

I just need to try to get him to talk...

OP posts:

Tryingtowait · 15/05/2016 15:41

I get the intense job and wanting to spend lots of time with dd when you have the chance. I miss ds terribly when I'm at work. I think generally men find it harder to open up then woman. Hope you get him to talk soon

Original poster

Pinkvici22 · 15/05/2016 22:23

Thank you everyone for your replies, I'm really grateful.

Tried to talk to DH tonight after DD in bed. He apologised for shouting at DD and agrees it is not acceptable. I've made it clear this upsets me and I won't put up with it and I think he gets it.

He totally doesn't get the laziness though...at this point he seemed to just zone out, then shortly after went to bed...aarrghhhhh

OP posts:

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