Just confront the cheater and you will know if he's telling the truth

[Kr1stina]

I see this advice all the time on Mumsnet and I don't understand it at all .

It usually goes like this. Poster finds incontrovertible evidence that her DH/ DP is cheating . A secret phone , texts, emails, messages . Strange items on bank statements . Photographs . Evidence that he wasn't where he said he was.

She asks MNers for advice . Most people say - collect more evidence , work out what you want to do , get legal advice, make your plans, get some RL support.

But there's always someone who says

" It could be totally innocent - I'm sure there's a good explanation why he has a seperate phone and bank account which he's been hiding from you for the last two years . And why he said he was in Watford at a sales conference when he was in Paris with OW. Just ask him and you will know from his reaction if he's telling the truth "

This is the bit I don't get . If the man has been lying convincingly to his partner for weeks, months or even YEARS , why will he be suddenly become honest when confronted ?

Do these men really suddenly break down and confess everything?

And how will she suddenly be able to discern truth from lies if she's been lied to for years ? How can she just " know " it's the truth ?

I think follow your gut is even worse advice TBH, unless the OP is physic.

Yeah but there are occasions where we DO know something doesn't sit right. If we get this sensation, it's rarely wrong.

There are some too that have no idea whatsoever at all and the truth must hit like a train :(

There are no hard and fast answers. We just have to get to the truth if we can and deal with whatever comes our way.

Most of the time it's pretty obvious without having to ask the cheater. But yes OP I agree with you.

Oh I am so with you.

I named two of the prostitutes (stage names, anyway, I doubt her mum named her Sexy Huni, but who knows) and my XH still said "I didn't do anything".

They don't just break down and confess all. My own experience and something I see on threads a lot is stonewalling, denial.

Well, I don't agree with gut instinct or "watch their reactions" - but I also think that relationships should be about communication.

Yours is a pretty extreme example of course but when it's "DH was late home last night and is being a bit shady" then "snoop for all you're worth! Go on his FB! Look at his phone!" is not good advice either and I see that trotted out all the time too.

Sometimes just talking (and by that I mean real communicating, not a throwaway question while you're both doing the washing up or something) is the answer.

Basically if you can't communicate property I can't see how you'd be happy in a relationship anyway.

I confronted my STBX more than once, but he would be very plausible.

For some reason, I do my best thinking in the shower! So during a shower all the inconsistencies in his behaviour would become very clear. I'd confront him - later obviously, not still dripping wet and wrapped in a towel - and he'd always have a calm reasonable answer.

But I was right, all along. Hence the STBX husband.

Fluffle - I don't think anyone would disagree with the fact that communication is important . I'm just questioning the two beliefs that

1. All men will confess everything if you confront them.

1. Although you have not known when they have been lying to you for the last two months / two decades, you will suddenly become psychic and be able to know when he's telling you the truth

My experience , and that of friends , is that most men will only confess to what they think you already know or can prove .

And then they will either blame you ( I had to lie because you are so paranoid ) , minimise or tell completely ludicrous stories to explain why it wasn't their fault ( she was black mailing me , I had to shag her or she would have killed herself / got me fired , we didn't have sex, we were too drunk we just held hands all night ) .

I don't know anyone who confronted about eg the weekend in Paris , who then had the man confess to all the other weekends, show all the messages going back to the start, bring out the bank statements to show how much family money he had been stealing , name all his mates who knew about it and we're providing alibis . Everyone I know has got :

" youre a crazy suspicious bitch, it's because your ex cheated on you , I've done nothing wrong, you are nuts "

" it was a work conference , you can ask my mate John "

" OK the work event WAS in Watford , but we didn't plan it, it just was a spur of the moment thing "

" ok, I know you've found that I booked the tickets two months in advance, but I never intended to go "

" you can't prove that we shared a room, we just went as friends , you are no fun anymore and you've been neglecting me since the twins were born 6 months ago"

" well yes, there are messages going back 3 years. But it was the stress of TTC"

" she threatened to tell you and so I had to go to Paris with her because I love you and the children so much, you are my world "

" she means nothing to me, it was just about sex "

" well yes I know I sent her messages saying I would leave you later this year but I didn't mean it "

" I lied because I didn't want to hurt you "

" I did it because you don't give me enough sex/ do what I want in bed "

" it's already over / I'll finish it tomorrow "

My first H had an affair. I knew something was up, asked him directly if he was having an affair and he looked me in the eyes and denied it. I believed him (he spontaneously confessed a couple of days later). And actually that lie hurt more than the affair, which I could sort of forgive. The lying was the bastard.

I think however well you know someone, most people can be pretty convincing liars when they need to be and it can be impossible to know they're telling the truth.

I agree with the OP. I tried everything I could to keep communications open with ExDH when I started getting those instinctive 'something's wrong vibes' and all I got was very sincere assurances that he'd never do anything to put our marriage at risk. Then that I was being paranoid and it was my anxiety...
One night after I found something odd and confronted him, he lost it with me and told me I needed help for my paranoia.
I believed him. When you love someone and want to make it work, you can't believe they'll lie to your face. And I didn't snoop because I had no proof and it would violate his privacy.
By the time I got hard evidence, I had to screenshot it and save it to check again because I was that unsure of my own sanity.
The best advice I can give anyone is to find out first and try get evidence before confronting them and then don't tell them all you know.
My ex changed his story over and over when he found out I knew - just a kiss, then just one night, then yes it was longer but over now. Keeping that knowledge back was the best thing I did as watching him deliberately lie to my face made me realise I wasn't crazy.
Trying to be 'sensible' and talk to him about it was the worst thing I did. The whole point of a lie is that the other person is trying to make you believe it.

My ex lied until the last second until I caught him out then he turned nasty on me as he knew I had him.

They are cowards generally.

My ex shouted "Who told you?" and then refused to say another word.

I agree with you, OP.