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Relationships

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Original poster

Online first date ... I am new to this and such a muppet!

23 replies

blankpieceofpaper · 12/05/2016 20:34

Joined a dating site - had a few dates but nothing much has come of them. Met up with a guy yesterday, we had a meal at a local pub and were chatting till about 10. It was really easy to talk to him and I felt more of a click than with some of the others.

But here's the rub... I am bigger now than my online profile pic and it shows :( When I look at myself in photos its awful. And most of all, saying goodbye at the end was a bit awkward and I asked if he would like to meet up again and he said yeah and there was that pause... but what else could he say when I asked him outright, I don't usually at all but the last date had ended a bit unsure and I did not want to go through that again. Unsurprisngly, not heard from him since then. So, MNers - how do you end a first date successfully at the goodbye stage?!

At least it is a good incentive for the weight - walked for an hour today and met my step target.

OP posts:

RedMapleLeaf · 12/05/2016 20:35

Don't end the date asking if he'd like to see you!! Say you'll be touch.

Original poster

blankpieceofpaper · 12/05/2016 20:40

I know, as soon as I walked away I knew it was wrong! It was based on my experience the last time round - and now I will learn from both times. He was nice - but no fool. Like I said, I think my weight will have done it anyway - he is into sport and that is clearly important to him.

OP posts:

chocshortbread · 12/05/2016 20:51

Why not just do yourself a favour and change the profile pic for one which is of you now? That way you'll save yourself all the anxiety and save the guy from thinking well why has she put on an out of date pic (which is very off-putting, even if you really like the person imo)

I hope he calls you though. But I agree with pp don't ask- let them ask maybe, or just wait and see what happens.

Morasssassafras · 12/05/2016 21:18

This ^

Don't put yourself through going on a date with someone who may not be interested because of your weight. There will be men who are.

MrsMushrooms · 12/05/2016 21:19

I'd be tempted to put up a more recent photo as well. I'd rather risk fewer replies, but be confident from the start that they'll like the way I look! It might not even have been anything to do with that though. Sometimes it just doesn't work out, even for the most attractive people in the world! You worrying about it and feeling less confident won't help though so try not to get bogged down in your weight and focus on having fun with the people you meet and keep your fingers crossed that something good comes of it!

niceupthedance · 12/05/2016 21:39

I always said "it was nice to meet you" and left it at that. If I hadn't heard from them by the next morning it was a no go.

Trills · 12/05/2016 21:46

Don't ask if they want to meet up during the first date. It puts them on the spot.

But I also think you shouldn't be shy about texting them.

If you are both thinking I am not sure if he/she is keen and neither of you texts the other then you could miss out on something.

And I agree that you should put up a more recent picture. If people don't like how you actually look, then you don't want to waste YOUR time on them. Your time is valuable.

JonSnowsBeardClippings · 12/05/2016 21:50

Why are your photos out of date? Plenty of men like bigger women, and having representative pictures is sensible.

steffw89 · 12/05/2016 21:51

Don't pin it on your weight it'll just make you more self conscious. Having been on many online dates and having a guy mate who is a prolific online dater I can safely say that it's 99% of the time due to chemistry. Most people (including guys) expect the bam and spark instantly and when it's not there just don't bother.

If you want to lose the weight, do it for you, not your dating life!

As for ending the date be honest
"I had a really nice time, it was really lovely to meet you"
Then whether or not he contacts you send them a message the next day and chat as you did before if there is going to be a next date it will come about. Dont be afraid to put yourself out there!

Also a more recent pic is definitely a yes =]

Trills · 12/05/2016 21:54

Good point about not pinning it on your weight.

I've had loads of dates where either he was not interested or I was not interested, and there's not always a reason for it that I can put my finger on.

whitershadeofpale · 12/05/2016 22:31

I've been online dating and am bigger than I'd like. I decided to put a full length picture. I know it will put some men off and they'll reject me on that basis. But that's happening in private, I don't know about it. It's far worse to see in someone's face when you meet that they're surprised and disappointed and it kills any chance of a good date.

I've still had a good response, met a few guys, no disasters and have now met someone I really like and who fancies me regardless of my size

Becoolio · 13/05/2016 12:06

Yes put on a recent full length pic. I had a pic on my profile of me in a red dress on a night out and I got tons of replies but I felt I was setting myself up as I don't look like that day to day. When I put up a more natural pic I had hardly any replies but I felt more comfortable as it was me!

JonSnowsBeardClippings · 13/05/2016 12:11

Me too. My main picture is really gorgeous and glam but I only look like that with full makeup and a good angle! I put a nice makeup free picture and a full length one too for balance

BubblingUp · 13/05/2016 12:34

My female friend on OLD is doing the same thing - out of date pics and she's hiding a weight issue. She rarely if ever gets a 2nd date unless she just forces it on them and they can't say no, but then it ends there. But then when we meet men when we are just out and about, she has no trouble attracting men despite the weight. LOTS of men love "curvy" women. On OLD it is the misrepresentation the men don't like and not the weight itself (per conversations I have with men I meet on OLD).

ladyformation · 13/05/2016 13:53

Yes, definitely put up more recent photos, then you just get rid of that whole issue.

As to leaving a first date...I have 2 main tactics:

if I really like him, I'll just be really upfront: "I had an amazing time tonight and I'd really like to see you again." You can tell everything from the response - "Me too, I'll call you tomorrow, there's this amazing restaurant I want to take you to" or "Mmmm yeah, well, I'll text you". If the first guy doesn't call, I'll assume he's got stuff going on and text/call him myself; if the second guy doesn't, I won't. TBH if I'm feeling the date this much, he nearly always is too, so the first guys happen more frequently than the latter.
If I'm feeling like I'd happily go on a second date but I'd also happily not, I just say "call me" when we're saying goodbye. The subtext being, I'm not going to call you, but I'll say yes if you ask me out again. Most guys just say "Will do" to this so you can't tell what's going to happen, but you avoid that awful "should I call him or will he call me" thing.

both work equally well after dinner or the morning after as appropriate

In any case: follow up with one text/message after a couple of days if you've heard nothing, and if no response, move on!

Original poster

blankpieceofpaper · 13/05/2016 21:30

Thank you for the replies, noted - and will definitely take action!

I text him earlier this even just asking about his week, the weather and being able to enjoy it - banal stuff.

He replied, fairly soon after:

Ok thanks, have family down tomorrow and then my first cricket match of the season on Sunday for a friend's team.

Sorry I haven't texted, I think next week is going to be difficult for me with the interview."

For reference, he has an interview for a training programme for next year he is going for. So at least he texted, but as ladyformation's post helpfully explores, he is not being that forthcomng, I think I can at least reply and then see if/when it should peter out naturally. I haven't been in a mental place to think about dating for a long time so this is strange so thank you, maybe it is still too soon.

I have no idea what to reply - but I at least know what not to say about do you want to meet up again.

OP posts:

JonSnowsBeardClippings · 13/05/2016 21:43

He doesn't sound too keen. Don't text him again unless he texts you.

Ebony69 · 14/05/2016 05:36

I agree. I think he's letting you down gently.

niceupthedance · 14/05/2016 06:31

I wouldn't reply to that message. It's a thanks but no thanks. Onwards!

Becoolio · 14/05/2016 06:54

He is saying he doesn't want to meet. Leave it now.

HarmlessChap · 14/05/2016 14:49

Yep update the photo. If you misrepresent yourself its never going to be a great start to a date.

Bessiebigpants · 14/05/2016 18:24

I also believe that you should change your pictures,Nothing makes me crosser than old pic its not fair.First thing I think I what else are they concealing.Gets things off to a bad start really.

LovePGtipsMonkey · 14/05/2016 19:08

the thing is, the men who do prefer larger women are not going to reply because you look a different type on photos! so you are missing out, apart from wasting you time on unsuitable ones.

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