divorce and contact

[MrsDeathOfRats]

Maybe not the right place for this so apologies if not.

I have instructed my solicitor today.

Solicitor said to take each thing one step at a time. So we are focusing on just putting in a petition.

H doesn't really know what is coming as he shuts down any conversation so I have given up trying to discuss and he will learn about it once the petition is sent to him.

However, solicitor did mention that when it comes to a contact order times for contact will be stated and h will be expected to adhere to these times.
H's time keeping is, quite frankly, diabolical. He's the type who thinks 'OK, the thing we're going to starts at 9 and we have to leave at 8 so I'll get ready at 8 then'
I know he is going to be late constantly and fuck around and never apologise (not to me but to DC).
My question I guess is... If I insist about time keeping etc and make a big deal out of it then he's going to turn nasty.
But I should shouldn't I?
It is important that he is on time and consistent for the DC isn't it?

My ex is crap but I learned a long time ago that a row about being half an hour late was worse for DS than waiting a bit.

Can you plan contact around school? Are your children old enough for that?
So if he has them EOW, he could pick up Fri from school and return Mon to school.
Then his timekeeping doesn't impact you - and I expect Mr Incapable of Leaving on Time is less of a useless arse when school is involved, not you!

^ this also has the benefit of not having to actually see your XH. Win!

Bear in mind also that sometimes you're going to be late. That's just life. Or want to be later by arrangement. So sometimes it's not a good idea to make a massive deal about times!

I wouldn't have fights over a half hour, as you know he's going to be an hour late I'd put contact time down for an hour earlier than you realistically expect him to turn up.

When DC were having contact I stated I would wait a half hour for him to turn up otherwise we'd do our own thing as i do have a life and can't be reasonably expected to wait indefinitely for him to turn up.

And I stuck to that rigidly.

But put it in the contact agreement.

I'm not going to argue with him but more that I know already he will be late constantly. My solicitor basically said that is unacceptable. And if I choose to I can stop contact on grounds that he is not adhering to the order.
But that seems kind of drastic. I guess though that I'll just end up watching my DC waiting around and being upset that's he's always late.

So I can stipulate that if he is 'X' minutes late then he forfeits his contact time?

Of course I accept that there will be time when he is genuinely late.

Can't see him having them overnight for a while as he will struggle to find somewhere to live and DS is still Velcro attached to me so will hate leaving me. and H simply won't cope overnight alone

Making excuses for him not having them overnight from the start will be a rod for your own back later, sorry.

He will cope when he has to. He won't find suitable accommodation if he doesn't have to.

Personally I'd have been glad to keep my girl every night, but be careful before you enable him to opt out!

Re lateness - how far apart will you live? How many days of contact are you thinking? If it's midweek, can you still make him do school pickup (no concern of yours then re timekeeping) and then you pick up from him at bedtime?

If a weekend day, can you drop off and pick up? Or one of the two, the one most likely to be an issue? e.g. You drop off in morning as you don't want to be hanging around. Then he drops back in the evening - when you're going to be home with kids anyway so lateness is neither here nor there. Well, not as much anyway.