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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

after 5 years of imagining the scenario I saw the OW

29 replies

sunshinerain · 10/05/2016 22:55

H 5years ago had a short term EA that turned physical. I found out and tore the OW a new one on fb message. Her DH had suspicions too but she had deleted my H off of her fb page so he only knew my H from first name and couldn't contact me. He intercepted the message I sent her (I was very drunk) and they moved away very shortly after and I assumed made a go of things.

Me and H also tried again and put it behind us.

For years now since finding out I fantasized over how I would confront her and what I would say and do, usually horrible nasty words.

Today the day finally came, me and H were out celebrating our anniversary and I noticed a lady kept turning her head behind her to look at me. I caught her eye and realized who it was after a while She looked so sad and like a dear caught in the headlights. I waited until she looked at me again and I politely smiled at her and waved!

WTF....

She gave me a slight smile and nodded her head.

Did I just do a grown up thing there?

OP posts:
Offred · 10/05/2016 22:59

No!

And I suspect that, given you have it a go with your h and still harbour so much bad feeling towards her, you are projecting feelings meant for him onto her.

I would feel embarrassed of myself if I had done that as it very clearly shows that by keeping him you feel you have beaten her and you are glossing over the fact that he isn't really that much of a prize in the first place... Must be a real boost to his ego...

Offred · 10/05/2016 23:00

Cheating seems to have increased his value in your eyes...

CocktailQueen · 10/05/2016 23:01

Why are you crosser at her than you are at your dh? It was his fault...

Lemonblast · 10/05/2016 23:03

Yes you did do a grown up thing.
Go you Smile

fastdaytears · 10/05/2016 23:06

You were celebrating with the man who did this, but you have fantasies about confronting a stranger.
If you really wanted to be grown up you would have ignored her entirely. Plenty of people look at you in restaurants for tons of reasons.
But anyway, the ego boost is a very thoughtful anniversary present for DH.

springydaffs · 10/05/2016 23:33

Honestly. Some of the replies on here..

You did what came naturally. It shows this whole thing is behind you that you can't even be bothered to blow her up.

Well done.

Bringmewineandcake · 10/05/2016 23:36

I think you were grown up, probably surprised yourself tho after imagining what you'd do to her if you did ever meet! Did your DH notice her?

fuzzywuzzy · 10/05/2016 23:40

I also think you did the mature thing. You weren't nasty to her you were civil.

Good for you.

Poppledopple · 11/05/2016 00:09

.......and I noticed a lady kept turning her head behind her to look at me.

Maybe she was looking at your DH? Did he know she was there? What was his reaction?

DoesMyMarthaCliffLookBigInThis · 11/05/2016 00:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Summerlovinf · 11/05/2016 01:14

How do you know it was her? Just a feeling or do you actually know? Not obvious from your post (to me anyway)

Iknownuffink · 11/05/2016 01:29

So many , ea, ow, fb, ...

GarlicShake · 11/05/2016 01:32

Yes, you did!

Original poster
sunshinerain · 11/05/2016 07:47

My H didn't even notice her. He was sat opposite me and behind her. He was looking into his dinner when it happened. There is no way he would of known she would of been there as she lives now in a different country.
Was 100% her as I saw her picture all those years ago on Facebook when I messaged her.

OP posts:
LuciaInFurs · 11/05/2016 07:50

Well done you! If I was in your situation I don't think I would have been able to be as calm as you were.

hurtandconfued2016 · 11/05/2016 10:23

Well done love!! I was in a restaurant and my ex and ow walked in when I was 36 weeks pregnant! I went over to them introduced myself to her and told her good luck! I felt bloody great!!
She looked at me like I was a bit of crap on my shoe but it felt great and everyone in the restaurant looked at them :)
As pathetic as it sounds it made me feel good and gave me some closure before I had his daughter

MorrisZapp · 11/05/2016 10:27

I'm baffled by the concept of eating a civilised meal with someone who broke their vow to stay faithful to you, while being congratulated for not losing your cool with a stranger who owed you nothing.

You live happily with a cheater. What does she even have to do with it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/05/2016 10:59

Well I'm going to 'congratulate' you OP. It's your marriage, you get to decide whether you will stay in it or not and you've decided.

Interpret it this way, OP. The OW would expect your to either launch yourself at her OR blank her. Both of these would have shown that you were bothered.

You smiled and waved... how utterly dismissive yet disparaging of her presence you were. It will have wrong-footed her.

Don't second-guess yourself or pay heed to what others would/wouldn't do - you are your own person and acted accordingly.

Jan45 · 11/05/2016 11:19

Your anger is misguided, she owed and owes you nada, it's your OH who does; sounds like you got pretty involved in fighting his battle with the OW, again, not for you to do but hey, I'd have probably done the same in your position, as long as you feel good about it then I certainly wouldn't worry about what she thinks.

fastdaytears · 11/05/2016 11:34

Interpret it this way, OP. The OW would expect your to either launch yourself at her OR blank her. Both of these would have shown that you were bothered

Well no as I don't think they'd ever met. I'd be surprised if someone recognised me from a FB photo five years ago

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/05/2016 11:46

OP's husband may have pointed her out, OW may not have changed much in 5 years... any reason. OW kept looking over, that makes is quite obvious - along with the photo of her seen previously. Both women would be sensitised presumably. I would be anyway.

AndYourBirdCanSing · 11/05/2016 11:55

It is completely understandable to feel anger towards the OW. I don't think it's 'misguided'- I am sure the OP has been been angry at her husband as well!

QuiteLikely5 · 11/05/2016 12:05

Well done op! I think your response was quite polite under the circumstances!

Yeh the were both in the wrong but I'm sure you've given your dp what for over it all many times

IrianofWay · 11/05/2016 12:19

Yes you did. You were calm and polite.

And best of all I imagine she had become a hybrid of bogey man and femme fatale in your head. Now she is reduced to normal human status. That is a really positive thing.

Offred · 11/05/2016 12:39

I'm baffled by the concept of eating a civilised meal with someone who broke their vow to stay faithful to you, while being congratulated for not losing your cool with a stranger who owed you nothing.

You live happily with a cheater. What does she even have to do with it.

Yes, that was my feeling.

And as for doing what is right for her an not bothering with other people's opinions - the op posted a thread asking for people's opinions... Confused

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