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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have I lost touch with reality or was this a nasty thing to say?

31 replies

WTAFF · 05/05/2016 10:11

I split up with my partner a while back but we've been giving it another go these past few weeks.

I think it might be a mistake but that is another story.

Anyway, this morning he said to me that if he was out drinking with his friends he couldn't guarantee that he wouldn't have sex with another woman.

Obviously this was not welcome news and I asked him what on earth was talking about. He said if he got really drunk he wouldn't be able to stop himself. However, this was only a 1 in 100 chance!

When I asked him how this was helpful to our relationship he pretended he was only joking and when I asked why he would say that he said he enjoys winding me up.

I'm not usually a jealous or insecure person but I'm not sure I will be able to put this out of my mind the next time he goes out with his friends. It's not the first tIme he has said or done something which makes me feel like this

This is not a normal thing to say is it?

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 05/05/2016 10:16

No it's not normal but it's not ungheard of. He likes your jealous reaction as he likes that you want him but it's playing games and doesn't work long term.

Tbh this was the most significant not you wrote:
I think it might be a mistake but that is another story

You know the answer already

pinkyredrose · 05/05/2016 10:56

You can do a lot better than this you know.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2016 11:00

Yep, your 2nd paragraph nails it

What are you wasting time on this nob for ?

Cabrinha · 05/05/2016 11:03

Why bother with an arsehole like that?

cozietoesie · 05/05/2016 11:04

He 'enjoys winding you up'? enjoys it ??

This is not a good relationship if that's the case - but I think you already know that?

sunnyoutside · 05/05/2016 11:07

Nope. Move on and away from him.

Duckdeamon · 05/05/2016 11:08

It was a mistake to "try again".

MardleBum · 05/05/2016 11:10

Well it's a wanky thing to say and it tells me that he is not serious about committing to making your relationship work.

But on the other hand, playing devils advocate here, if we can't expect women to take personal responsibility for who they end up in bed with when they are drunk, then I am not sure why we should expect men to either. The moral of the story is that if you get drunk enough to lose your inhibitions and your judgement there is a chance you might agree to sex with someone you wouldn't otherwise have slept with. Either accept you made a stupid decision and move on, or drink less. That goes for both sexes in my book.

MangoBiscuit · 05/05/2016 11:11

If he honestly said it just to wind you up, and he enjoys making you feel wary like that, then he's a tosser.

If he meant it, then he's a disrespectful, selfish, entitled tosser. If he really thought he'd be at risk of cheating on you if he drank too much, then surely he'd choose not to drink much at all?!

Either way, tosser.

AyeAmarok · 05/05/2016 11:12

You already know the answer here, your gut is telling you this for a reason.

There are lots of reasons why a guy you're in a relationship with would say this - not a single one of them are good.

You deserve better.

MangoBiscuit · 05/05/2016 11:15

MardleBum I don't entirely agree with you there. Someone who gets drunk they lose their inhibitions and thinks a ONS is a good idea is still making that decision, regardless of gender. However, when I guy gets so drunk, he's no longer capable of making that decision, he's most likely so drunk he can't maintain an erection either. A women in that state has no such natural barrier.

AyeAmarok · 05/05/2016 11:15

If we can't expect women to take personal responsibility for who they end up in bed with when they are drunk, then I am not sure why we should expect men to either.

Errr, what? We do expect women to take responsibility for who they sleep with when drunk. Being drunk isn't a get out of jail free card. "I was drunk" is not an acceptable excuse to cheat on your partner.

Unless you mean women who are raped who also happen to be drunk? Confused Are you worried the OP's P is going to be a victim of sexual assault?

MangoBiscuit · 05/05/2016 11:16

*when a guy, not I guy

Unless apple have a new product I'm not aware of.

Guiltypleasures001 · 05/05/2016 12:33

It wasn't a joke op he's telling you what he's either up to already or gong to do, in a messed up way he's telling you who he is. If you stay you've just given him a licence to do it.

Why on earth would you want to risk your mental health on this low life, oh and get checked for any sti's

TinklyLittleLaugh · 05/05/2016 12:38

What is it they say? When someone tells you who they are then listen. Get rid of him OP, he's just messing with your feelings here.

NannawifeofBaldr · 05/05/2016 12:47

He's told you:

He likes upsetting you. It's fun for him. Shock

He won't stay faithful to you.

He's telling you, very clearly who he is.

cozietoesie · 05/05/2016 12:48

'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.'

Maya Angelou

Smile
Sangelina · 05/05/2016 13:15

^^ This. He's telling you who he really is. Listen to him.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 05/05/2016 13:22

Also agree with the 2nd paragraph.
Might be a mistake to give it another go is quite the understatement here. He just let you know it is a huge mistake. All smiles and fun and tee hee - he's going to cheat on you, ha ha...just kidding; not really; oh it will be the alcohol's fault-not his-just so you know in advance. Seriously, this is so laughable.

Imho, staying in the relationship equals accepting his intentions (and be clear, there is no "just joking" about this). The only way to reject this set up is to leave the relationship. There is no gray area here, unless you are good with an open relationship-at which point it wouldn't be an issue at all.

Why second guess the original decision to split from him?

SecondMrsAshwell · 05/05/2016 13:30

Put his stuff on the doorstep and when he asks why, tell him you like throwing him out. This is just my 2nd LTB, but LTB

FlorisApple · 05/05/2016 13:32

Well, the way I would understand that, if said to me, is: he's getting his justification ready now, so that when it happens, he can say to you: "You see! I told you that I couldn't control myself. It's your fault for not believing me/letting me go out/whatever." Fuck that! What absolute BS, and the "I just like winding you up" thing is even worse. What? You just like making me angry and upset and feel shit about myself? Oh great! What a charmer.

Jan45 · 05/05/2016 13:35

It means he has zero interest in committing to you, listen to him!

fortuneandglory · 05/05/2016 13:39

Today 12:48 cozietoesie

'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.'

Maya Angelou

What a brilliant quote. Thanks cozietoesie.

blinkyoullmissit · 05/05/2016 13:50

I'd be worried what kind of man couldn't stop himself from having sex.
Of course he can bloody stop himself.

What a prick. Get rid

blinkyoullmissit · 05/05/2016 13:51

(Ps what does LTB meanBlushGrin)