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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Becoming a dad

23 replies

brokenhearteddad · 04/05/2016 21:15

Any other dads (or to be) in the same not as me?
Totally devastated being dumped just because she doesn't want to be with me then to top it off being told that she doesn't want me at any scans birth registering etc but I can see baby once settled in
This is my first and probably only child
Totally heartbroken

OP posts:
MNHQ
BeccaMumsnet · 05/05/2016 12:44

Hi brokenhearteddad - we're going to move this over to our Relationships topic for you.

Heirhelp · 05/05/2016 13:55

Congratulations on becoming a Dad.I can understand why you are upset but scans are medical tests for your XP so you have no right to go to them. Can you explain to your ExP that you understand why she does not want you to be there but ask for copies if the photos. Depending on your relationship you could also offer to take her to the appointments.

When is your baby due? Why did you break up? Were there any signs things were not going right? How long were you together?

Original poster
brokenhearteddad · 05/05/2016 17:08

Not due for a while yet
Basically she's decided she no longer wants to be with me she's happy to be single and have the help of family and friends
It's breaking me up inside she knows it is too

OP posts:
Original poster
brokenhearteddad · 05/05/2016 19:22

Sadly because of all that's going on and ex telling me she doesn't want me to be involved until baby is here I won't feel like celebrating or that im going to be dad sad really

OP posts:
Bitchqueen90 · 05/05/2016 19:55

Why doesn't she want you there to register the birth? Does she not want to put you on the birth certificate? When she says you can see the baby when it's born does she mean regular contact?

hurtandconfued2016 · 05/05/2016 20:32

Broken- fight it! Start now legally see a lawyer find out what you are legally allowed and entitled to do! Don't give up on seeing baby fight it all the way!

Original poster
brokenhearteddad · 05/05/2016 20:34

Might do later on if things don't change

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 05/05/2016 20:36

How long were you together?

It's a shame to be splitting, but honestly it's better to do so now and try to maintain a good co-parenting friendship, than to end up resenting each other but feeling like you're stuck in a relationship for your child's sake.

novemberchild · 05/05/2016 20:40

I am wondering - is there more to this? What were the circumstances of the pregnancy? Were you married? Together for a long time?

Haffdonga · 05/05/2016 20:49

brokenhearted you will have the right to spend time with your dc and build a relationship with them when they are born. You don't have the right to attend your ex's medical appointments though.

Look, there's no hint in what you say here that you aren't anything except a decent bloke who wants the best for his child BUT there have been some very scary situations on MN when women have been in very controlling relationships with men who have become even more controlling when she gets pregnant. It seems unlikely that your ex left you out of the blue for no reason at all. It seems even more unlikely that she'd be willing to leave you off her child's birth certificate unless she had very strong feelings that you would not be a positive influence in the child's life.

So, I'd advise you to act fairly, calmly and respectfully. Contribute financially towards the baby both before birth (when a lot of the 'stuff' gets bought) and after whether you are seeing the child or not. Accept limited contact supervised initially to demonstrate you are reasonable and committed.

Be adult - no name calling, shouting or threats. Be calm, fair and consistent - if you are offered contact accept every time and be there when you say you will be. And most of all be honest with yourself about why she left - what exactly is it that has scared her so much hat she feels her child is better off without you?

Then work for your child's lifetime to prove you do deserve to be their father.

Original poster
brokenhearteddad · 05/05/2016 20:56

Long and short of it is she doesn't want to be with me anymore
She's not very good at commitment she can't grasp the fact that somebody loves her and wants a relationship with Her
We have been together about 10 months
I don't do any of the shouting or name calling kind of stuff it's not my thing im keeping ball emails and messages etc
Aways intend on providing for my child just devastating that im being treated like this deep down she knows she's going about it the wrong way

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 05/05/2016 21:07

Ah. Well, is it perhaps not that she can't grasp the fact that somebody loves her and wants a relationship with Her but that you can't grasp that she doesn't want a relationship with you ??

But you haven't really addressed the point why she doesn't want you to have anything to do with the baby at all. Could it be that she's worried you'll use seeing the baby as a way of trying to get back with her? Or could it be there's something about you she really thinks she needs to keep her baby away from? Is she feeling pressured by you?

I'd try to take a step back for a while so she doesn't feel the need to emphasise that she doesn't want contact. She may be more willing to talk about access with the baby when she's comfortable that you are not pressuring her.

SleepingTiger · 05/05/2016 21:21

Forget the relationship with her you wanted. That's gone. Build a relationship around your child as best you can. As they grow it gets easier to do that. Do not fight her. Do what you have to do for your child. He or she will know this one day. You have so much time on your hands yet to come with them. Don't be tempted to jeopardise it by fighting a battle that's lost. You don't know how much your child wants to share the rest of their life with you.

Original poster
brokenhearteddad · 05/05/2016 21:45

The reason she has told me about not being involved is because she would rather have family there instead and she cannot please everyone
Mentioned in a earlier post she has requested I start paying £50 a week from week 12 to pay towards prams etc which im aware I don't legally have to right now but I don't want to be difficult about it
I just feel im being walked over because she knows she can get away with it
Just don't want to be arguing or cause stress to her or baby

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 05/05/2016 21:50

You were asked lots of questions on that thread which you have chosen to ignore.

SleepingTiger · 05/05/2016 21:52

Pay her by bank standing order. Keep your records, work on your relationship with your child.

Original poster
brokenhearteddad · 05/05/2016 21:59

Yeah that's what I intend to do

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tudasaurus · 05/05/2016 22:00

I think you need to come to terms with the fact that your experience of impending fatherhood isn't going to be how you may have hoped, because you are no longer in a relationship with the mother. It is sad for you, but it's just the way it is.

You have no rights at all during the pregnancy and it is her choice who she has at appointments and the birth, as it should be. I have no idea why some are recommending you take legal action at the moment. There is nothing legal to be done at this point and all you will succeed in doing is alienating your ex and possibly destroy any hope of an amicable co parenting relationship in the future.

The best thing to do for now is to give her some space, start paying maintenance once the baby is born and accept that for the first few months contact is likely to be on her terms as the primary carer. If you are denied contact and PR, or feel that things are unfair, then you can consider mediation and legal recourse at a later date, when the baby is actually here. But a fetus of less than 12 weeks? I mean this kindly, you need to back off.

If

Original poster
brokenhearteddad · 05/05/2016 22:05

Just to clarify im currently not in contact with her at the moment and I am giving her all the space she needs im not pushing anything right now as I don't want any trouble (im not that kind of person) or stress to her and baby

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 05/05/2016 22:32

You haven't addressed why she would prefer to be with her family rather than you. You say she's breaking up because 'she'd rather be with her family'. Because she 'doesn't want to be with me'. Because 'she's not good at committment' etc etc etc. You have not once suggested that there's anything about yourself that might make her not want to be a family with you.

Just for a minute LOOK AT YOURSELF What is it about you that has made her run? Which behaviour of yours has caused her to feel she doesn't want you named on the birth certificate?

Come on broken. If you really want things to be better in the future you are going to have to develp a bit of self awareness.

novemberchild · 05/05/2016 22:53

But she will commit to having the baby?
I agree - there doesn't seem to be a lot of self-awareness here, and I wonder if that is the root of the problem.

Of course, some women do choose to end relationships and give birth alone, but it is rather unusual and is usually for very good reasons.

Lemonblast · 05/05/2016 23:03

Was the baby planned?
How stable was your relationship? Have you broken up previously?

ThisIsDedicatedToTheOneILove · 06/05/2016 05:28

How old are you?

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