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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

so close to throwing in the towel

33 replies

rightmywrongs · 27/04/2016 15:20

Little one's Dad,
She adores him.
So do I sometimes.

He's been back around for a few months

Has started making a lot of positive changes which is great but I can't get away from the fact he's a bum.

I work I support my daughter, myself & now him.

He does fuck all.

Gambles. A LOT.

I love him, she loves him but my quiet peaceful life has been turned upside down & its wearing thin being skint,

Promises of money / help falling through,

Not even trying to get a job.

Constantly expecting me to bail him out,

There's nothing coming over him, always got money for the bookies, haircuts (a fucking sunbed yesterday)

I am the one working, keeping us all & don't have two pennies to rub together.

I don't want to throw the towel in as I know he's not mature enough to separate me from the little one, I don't want her to lose out because of me.

When is enough enough tho?

Meh.
Aware no one can tell me what to do I just needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 27/04/2016 15:24

Well he sounds like a catch..??? NOT!
What does he actually do with or for his DD?
Why are you supporting him?
Stop enabling his gambling.
Kick him out and live your peaceful life.
Seriously, he's a lazy arse cocklodger and you KNOW you don't need this and neither does your DD.
Imagine the relationship lessons you are teaching her right now.
Not good - not good at all.

Original poster
rightmywrongs · 27/04/2016 15:30

The term cock lodger floats around my head so much it's unreal.

I can see how much he's changed & is trying but he's so far to come yet.

he needs a reality check/ kick up the arse I just don't want to light the fuse.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/04/2016 15:34

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Why is your relationship bar so very low?.

I would think that enough is enough now. This sounds awful; its not an emotionally healthy relationship at all but an enabling dysfunctional one.

Getting it off your chest is all very well and good but only you can change your current situation and make it better for both you and in turn your DD.

Re your comment:-
"I don't want to throw the towel in as I know he's not mature enough to separate me from the little one, I don't want her to lose out because of me"

This sounds like rubbish reasons to at all stay together. You will need to formalise contact through the court post separation; no informal arrangement should be at all made with him. She would be also far better off being shown positive male role models rather than her gambler for a father. Would you want someone like this individual to be her boyfriend too?.

Children are hard wired to love a parent anyway no matter how rubbish they are, is this really what you want for your DD?. You want to teach her this crap role model about relationships?. Show her that yes this is how men treat women. A man who is also a user amongst his many poor attributes; you are showing her that currently at least this is acceptable for you.

You've been enabling and rescuing him to yours and your DDs overall detriment.
He will not change, you can only change how you react to him.

You should never stay with someone only for the sake of the child; its never a good idea and rarely if ever works out at all well. Its an awful burden to place on a child too, the thought that mum and dad only stayed together because of them.

Original poster
rightmywrongs · 27/04/2016 15:37

I need to get rid I know deep down I do.

It's so hard dealing with a Jeckyll & -Hyde character as you can have the most living guy one minute & a horrible bastard the next.

It's the fact I see the good in him,
I know it's there.

Just makes being a waster even harder to stomach as I know he could be so much more.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 27/04/2016 15:41

He can be a good father as a co-parent. Better to have 2 happy parents than 2 unhappy parents that are together.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/04/2016 15:56

Google 'Co-dependency'
It might open your eyes a bit.

Original poster
rightmywrongs · 27/04/2016 16:05

I hear you on the co dependency
Loud & clear.

Thing is although I do pretty much everything I have found myself getting quite dependent on him,

I'm not a needy person & I've always been very independent but recently I've started not enjoying time myself so much & hate sleeping by myself

It's very out of character for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
rightmywrongs · 27/04/2016 16:06

So much drama.
It's one thing after another.
I just don't think I can be arsed trying anymore.
It's not meant to be so difficult all the time is it?

OP posts:
Summerlovinf · 27/04/2016 16:22

No, it's not. This guy is a complete waste of space and you and your daughter are better off without him messing you around. Move on...you don't need all this drama.

Costacoffeeplease · 27/04/2016 17:05

It's way past 'enough' isn't it? He doesn't, work, gambles your money, and can be a horrible bastard - sounds like a prize - a prize twat - please get rid asap

MTPlate · 27/04/2016 17:10

Has he had, or would he consider counselling for the gambling? There is also a helpline for families of gamblers. My husband used to gamble, it nearly split us, but fortunately he got some help. You say he's made some changes, but has he actually admitted he has a gambling problem? Is he aware of how it makes you feel?

MatildaTheCat · 27/04/2016 17:20

You feel bad because he is dragging you down. Literally. Cut yourself loose and feel the difference. If he has so much potential he will do marvellously well without you bailing him out.

I wish you well and hope you can do what needs to be done very soon.

Original poster
rightmywrongs · 27/04/2016 21:56

Every time it comes to a head he says he'll get help,
Then the dust settles.
Family meal (his family) tonight got ruined thanks to a drama of his doing.
In front of my child & all his relatives.
Never been so mortified in my entire life,
at least his family know it's far from a bed of roses now & they'll hopefully have my back.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/04/2016 22:06

Don't count on his family taking your side. They will be enablers just like you are.

End it for your own good, but don't expect anyone else to carry you. You will have to do it yourself....like you always have but you don't see it.

blueberrypie0112 · 27/04/2016 22:15

Would he make a good stay at home dad ? Does he help around the house at all?

AriaTloak · 27/04/2016 22:22

You've already said you need to get rid.

Do you really want your DC growing up around this guy? Gambling is a huge red flag & a financial drain. Where is he getting the money to fund this?

You need to start putting your DC first & not him. If he can't change for you/his own DC what will make him change??

AriaTloak · 27/04/2016 22:24

Also, was the drama his fault?
Did he shout at you/does he shout at you in front of DC?

blueberrypie0112 · 27/04/2016 22:27

I would kick him out for gambling addiction along though

Original poster
rightmywrongs · 27/04/2016 22:30

I don't want his family to take my side but since we got back together & we have been dealing with all the dramas they've thought everything was just fabulous & he was pretty much a new person.
I meant I'm glad the veneer has cracked & they are aware it's not a bed of roses rather than all being oblivious.

It was over money he was due someone that wasn't willing to wait.

Now I don't even know where he is or if he is safe.

OP posts:
Original poster
rightmywrongs · 27/04/2016 22:31

I don't need anyone to carry me.
I managed perfectly well for the 3 years he wasn't around & had a good happy life.

Now I have no peace of mind I never know what's coming next & it's a constant drama.

Life solo with the little one was way easier.

OP posts:
AriaTloak · 27/04/2016 22:34

You need to keep reading back what you're writing.
Is he bringing anything to the table? I can't remember if you specified whether you have a DD or DS, but regardless, would you be happy with your DC being in a relationship with someone like him?
Doesn't seem like he has any respect for you at all.

AriaTloak · 27/04/2016 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AriaTloak · 27/04/2016 22:37

Read it over again, imagine how devastated you'd be if your DD was in a relationship with a man like this? Don't let her grow up thinking dysfunctional relationships are normal, you need to have her at the forefront of your mind Thanks

AnyFucker · 27/04/2016 22:37

Get shut of him then. What are you waiting for ?

Original poster
rightmywrongs · 27/04/2016 22:43

I posted about him before when we had a domestic at teatime cause he was pissed one day but I name change regularly.
I wish I listened to mumsnet, my gut & my brain then.

Don't want to give up him but I don't think I have any choice especially after what happened tonight.

OP posts:
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