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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner already has 2 children from previous relationship.... Is it going to be less special with me?

24 replies

SammyJay27 · 19/04/2016 21:28

So I feel a little silly putting this on here but here goes....
My boyfriend has 2 children from a previous relationship, I don't have any children yet but I'm a tad broody!
I'm starting to worry that if we were to have children together that it won't be as special as he has already been there & done that with another woman.
He has said before he wants more children and would love a daughter but I'm panicking he won't want this as much as me. I love seeing him with his 2 boys and he is such a great dad to them but I just can't stop feeling like it's not going to be special if we were to have a child together.

Has anyone else been in this situation and have some advice? I can't stop my mind from going overtime and I would really appreciate someone's help!

Thank you in advance xxx

OP posts:

mrschatty · 19/04/2016 21:31

No personal experience here but if you do have children together I'm sure... (I absolutely HOPE) he loves and treats his children a equally and doesn't see ANY of his children as more/less special...
Why do you think it wouldn't be 'special'
Do you think a man with previous children is really for you?

KatieKaboom · 19/04/2016 21:32

Are you 17?

Confused59 · 19/04/2016 21:36

My husband had 3 with his ex and we have 5 . He is a brilliant dad. I thought he might be different especially with our first as he had been through it all before , but it is different just as our relationship is different than his and the ex. Good luck

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 19/04/2016 21:39

well of course its not going to be the same with you. the shine will have gone,and the novelty worn off etc.....but he will still love a new addition i'm sure

Standalittletaller · 19/04/2016 21:41

I think it's perfectly understandable to feel that way. I would also be thinking that about marriage, setting up home etc. It's bound to be different the second time around. However if your relationship is strong that's what matters.

Hope he is not relying on having a girl. Life is not like that (not mine anyway.)

LisaRinnasLips · 19/04/2016 21:42

Yes, sorry

WallyBantersJunkBox · 19/04/2016 21:44

Wow katie that was uncalled for.

I did wonder myself op, second wedding for him, 4th child for him, he'd done it all before right?

Actually I found that when I gave birth it was better for me. No stressful first time dad nerves. He just stepped in like a pro and got on with things which made me more relaxed.

And the way he cried when he saw his face pop out, it didn't feel second best at all.

We are divorced now, (no connected reasons) and I have a new partner so the shoe is on my foot. If we get married it will be very special because my feelings for DP are much deeper than they gave been for others.

fastdaytears · 19/04/2016 21:45

I understand (personally) your worries, but he already has two children and he (presumably) doesn't love #2 less because he was over the whole baby thing after #1. It will be different with you anyway, but if he's a great dad as you say then he will love all of his kids and think they're all really special. Also, he'll know which way up to hold the baby and stuff so it maybe won't be as scary as if you're both in it or the first time. Plus the bigger kids will make it all even more exciting if you can handle it really well.

HeddaGarbled · 19/04/2016 21:47

I don't think there is anything to compare with the feelings you have around the birth of your first child.

But it is part terror, part joy and subsequent births, providing all goes smoothly, can be more unalloyed happiness.

I think it will be different for you because yours will be your first. But both parents often feel differently anyway and it may actually be beneficial to you to have an experienced dad at hand.

However, if you do decide to have a baby together without being married, you need to think about your financial security. If you give up work, go part time, or your career progression is affected by motherhood, you could potentially be homeless and in financial difficulty if you split up or he dies. He would have no legal obligation to give you anything other than the legal minimum child maintenance which is not much and you would have no entitlement to any share of his assets including the house if it is his.

Tatiana11235 · 19/04/2016 21:58

When I got together with my husband he already had two children. I had similar thoughts when I was pregnant with my first and his third that it wouldn't be the same for him.
Well, I can say with 100% certainty that he loves our DD as much as he loves the other children. In fact, it was a blessing in a way that he's already been through this a couple of times because he reassured and helped me in the first few months.
Don't worry about it. If he is a decent person it will be all right

SammyJo2845 · 19/04/2016 22:09

Thank you so much for the positive responses, I feel so much better known him not crazy! You've definitely all helped :)

Besides KatieKaboom obviously, tad rude.

But I do appreciate it and feel much better.
I can't wait to be a mum for the first time and have no doubts about his abilities at all.
Thanks again guys :) xxxxxxxx

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 19/04/2016 22:18

eh? you name changed op?

goddessofsmallthings · 19/04/2016 22:23

how long have you been in a relationship with you bf, and are you living together?

As you've described yourself as 'a tad broody' these questions are relevant as is why he split from the mother of his 2 dc and whether you're planning to marry before you have dc with him?

LadyFarnborough · 19/04/2016 22:37

My situation is exactly the same as yours although I am currently pregnant. I have no worries about whether he will be as interested this time, it's totally different and still new and exciting for that reason. He had his kids young so this is going to be different experience - more stable, more secure and a better relationship.

BiftasWifta · 19/04/2016 22:42

It won't be any less special for you if you have more than one child, you'll still be excited if you have number 2/3/4...the same applies to him I'm sure 😊

Duckdeamon · 19/04/2016 23:09

When you say he's a good father, do you mean he does a fair share of parenting and domestic work, pays decent maintenance, takes an active interest in his DCs' education?

Suggest unless you're the higher earner, have financial assets and/or intend to return to work after DC you get married before DC.

corythatwas · 20/04/2016 10:00

BiftasWifta Tue 19-Apr-16 22:42:07

"It won't be any less special for you if you have more than one child, you'll still be excited if you have number 2/3/4"

This. You have to accept that his existing children are as special.

NerdyBird · 20/04/2016 10:29

I felt a bit worried about this when I was pregnant. It took a bit of readjustment, my partner ended up admitting he'd forgotten what the baby stage was like but he loves our DD just the same as the others. Daddy is her firm favourite at the moment. As others have said, he'd had practice so nappy changing, dressing and general caring for her was second nature.

TheVeganVagina · 20/04/2016 10:54

Of course it wont be any less special for him!
And I agree with the comment that you need to remember that his dc are just as special. If he is a good man he will love all of his dc the same, no matter who their mother is.

TheVeganVagina · 20/04/2016 10:56

I have felt just as excited with each of my 4 dc, and i know i would if i had 100.
Babies arent like buying your first car or something.

rahhhhhhhhhhh · 20/04/2016 14:13

I'm coming from the other side, i have been married and have children to my ex, i am with my current fiance and we are planning on moving in together and at some point having children. From my point of view i am so excited for everything and the fact i have done it before will make no difference to the whole experience as it is different with him! i dont even associate or compare both situations. I am excited because i know my fiance will be an amazing dad unlike my ex so we will enjoy parenting together. My wedding will be a smaller affair than the last time but now i know what is important and that is the marriage rather than the wedding.

KatieKaboom · 20/04/2016 14:27

I may seem rude to you, but I think the concern you express in your OP is quite immature and naive.

Right now you're in gushy loved-up mode, and his devotion to his boys seems woooonderful and amaaaazing. Will you feel the same way when he's taking them out and you are stuck on a couch under a limpet-like newborn? Or will you feel neglected and resentful?

You probably won't be bothered about how special it is. You'll be desperate for sleep, a shower and a cup of tea that isn't five hours old. You may join a raft of mothers who never fill in the baby book because you have neither time nor inclination- precious moments be damned.

I don't mean to sound like a horrible old witch making doom and gloom predictions. But if this is something you're having misgivings about NOW, I doubt it is going to feel better when you're post-natal and pissed off!

fastdaytears · 20/04/2016 19:15

If OP is naive and immature then so are all of us who posted to say we'd thought similar. none of whom (AFAIK) are 17.

KatieKaboom · 20/04/2016 19:59

Yep.

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