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Relationships

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Original poster

Internet dating - talking about Ex's

15 replies

1DAD2KIDS · 16/04/2016 08:18

I am male single parent and have started Internet dating. My problem is they say never talk about your ex's. But the women I talk to almost always want to talk about how come I have the kids and thus leads on to them asking about ex wife. It's like some kind of trap. If I don't talk it looks like I am hiding something (I sometimes get the impression some women instantly are suspicious of me because I am the one with the kids). But then if I do I break the golden rule. I feels I can't win, any advice?

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 16/04/2016 08:22

If the people you are connecting with turn your honest disclosure about the past into some kind of trap, then that's their issue not yours so I suggest move on.

Snoopydo · 16/04/2016 08:24

I would find a stock answer to use about your situation, keep it vague and move on.

I am in an unusual situation (just saw your other thread) but don't tell people the ins and outs until I know them and then only the bare details.

BottleBeach · 16/04/2016 08:25

I wouldn't say it's a trap... but it's definitely a test. If someone I'm dating has children then the type of relationship he has with their mother is going to be pretty important.

Jollyphonics · 16/04/2016 08:32

My interpretation of the advice to not talk about exes is to not go on and on about them. Also, don't slag them off as that makes you look angry and bitter. And don't go all misty-eyed with reminiscences as that makes it clear you're not over the ex. But stating facts about situations and circumstances is fine. Facts like how long you were together, why you split, what the situation is now etc are all perfectly OK things to share in my opinion.

Original poster

1DAD2KIDS · 16/04/2016 08:37

Personally I have no problem taking about it. I am very open. But all the dating advice says don't talk about ex's as if it the kiss of death.

OP posts:

Original poster

1DAD2KIDS · 16/04/2016 08:38

Jollyphonics that sounds great advise.

OP posts:

category12 · 16/04/2016 08:45

There's talking about exes and talking about exes... A brief factual outline of the situation is one thing, an emotional outpouring is another, a slagging off of the ex another again. Nothing wrong in the first, the other two are massively oversharing. Being open to questions about it after the explanation is good, but not dwelling on it and avoiding chewing over every issue with the new gf if it's a difficult ongoing situation with the ex.

TheNaze73 · 16/04/2016 08:45

I'm male & have encountered that before when single. Think you're damned if you do & damned if you don't. I learned not to readily volunteer anything, be honest though if asked a question but, then not bang on about it

DorindaJ · 16/04/2016 09:00

I think you only share as much you want, when you feel comfortable sharing. It is perfectly okay to say "I am not comfortable talking about this at the moment. I want to give my children privacy surrounding their circumstances," or something similar

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 16/04/2016 09:03

It really is in the delivery.

Sticking to facts and not being critical of the mother even if she was horrid, is the way to go about it.

One guy I met gave me the whole run down of his ex calling police on him, then she started dating the police man, then she attacked him with Hoover ect... He even had a ring tone that had a song on it 'forget you' when she rang. Weirdo

niceupthedance · 16/04/2016 09:08

Yeah it's what you say.
A. We split up because we didn't want the same things and B. My ex has got mental problems, she drinks too much and doesn't look after the kids properly are very different.

(B is a real life example. I just thought 'you're a twat').

Cabrinha · 16/04/2016 09:40

Nobody gets to set a rule about what you do and don't say. Just play it by ear.

My last boyfriend and I had a massive ex slagging conversation when we first met - mine got dumped for shagging prostitutes, his was an alcoholic who had phone sex with her affair when he was upstairs and then walked in on her. He was the RP btw, she said "boys are harder work than girls, you keep him" (she'd had both previously with an ex)

We didn't go the distance (split after 2 nice years) but it wasn't because we were honest about our previous bad luck!

My stock line for OLD when asked about my XH was "well, obviously as I'm divorced I'm not his greatest fan - but that's ages ago now and we manage the coparenting thing OK and that's what matters".

CiaoVerona · 16/04/2016 11:43

I've never heard anyone say talking about Ex's is the kiss of death when online dating and I did plenty of online dating it really depends on the context of the conversation.

There's a big difference between explaining your situation and someone who is obviously pining for an Ex ,the former is fine the latter is not so great!

You can simply say we split up you don't have to give chapter and verse.

MrsRolandRat · 16/04/2016 22:54

Cigarettes I'm laughing at your post. There certainly are plenty of weirdos out there

I have a child and generally when I go on a date men ask why my ex and I aren't together anymore (she's 2.5) and they are most likely nosy like me! I tell them the truth, we split up when she was 10 weeks old sounds very Jeremy Kyle ---- however we get on well and I never slag him off.

I disagree that the ex talk is the kiss of death. Just be open and honest. No need to go into loads of details, just a basic outline of your situation.

Dungandbother · 16/04/2016 23:19

Your experience of OLD is positive perhaps... I only find crazy people who clearly want sex and no conversation. And I am really picky too. I just find there's no depth to anything. And no one has an ex. Or DC. Utter bull.

And then Ricky from Eastenders popped up on my app.

I am no longer OLD.

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