to be or not to be ?

[NeckingtheNightNurse]

I won't massively go into my situation its been some time since me and ex split. Lots has happened. Now he wants me back and I've never had such conflicting emotions ? I literally don't know how I feel I keep changing my mind drastically??? Has anyone else found this has happened. I keep googling stupid stuff like "how to make a decision" any advice lovely MNetters ?

Who inititiated the split ?
What caused the split ?
What have both parties done in the interim?

It entirely depends on the circumstances of your break up - the advice would vary wildly on the what's gone on in the past.

It will depend hugely on why you split up in the first place, and what's changed since then.

Ok we we was together 3 years and towards the end arguments was the thing that drove us apart but we knew we both loved each other just couldn't seem to communicate. It felt unhealthy. I have had therapy and been working on goals and sorting my life out. I had o e date which I told him I would be going on 7mths after we split. It's been a year since we split now. The date was a flop however. This whole entire time he has been pursuing me. Example : lunches out telling me he loves me, fixing my car, leaving a rose on my car Valentine's Day the list goes on. I could never make a clean break. Then out the blue I get a picture sent to me on Facebook from this woman his new girlfriend that he has been with the entire split ! I then found out he had booked a trip to New York with her which was where we went on a special trip last year. I was absolutely crushed but at the same time suddenly wanted him back. I lost 2 stone and had to go on heart medication because of the adrenaline I could t get out of flight or fight. It's been so much time but for me there hasn't been the emotional break as we was still intimate on occasion. So I accepted the truth and was going out on a date with a fireman I met on tinder which I childishly told him about . I got stood up on this date ex called me said he had dumped the new girlfriend and would not take her to New York he is going alone and the whole thing was a rebound he was so stupid he was so sorry he wants to get couple counclling and be together. He wants me to forget everything that's happened and never bring it up or we can't go forward. However he was furious that I even I intended to go out on a date. He said if the circumstances was the other was around he full stop wouldn't be with me ? I'm hurting and in love and confused ?

Oh for goodness' sake. No, you shouldn't get back with him. Why on earth would you want to?

Perhaps red maple I don't know what the hell is going on with me its all so much. I want happiness not drama.

He is all drama though, surely?

I think if getting back with him was the right thing to do then you'd just know that. There wouldn't be all this dithering and googling. The fact you're so indecisive isn't a good thing - I suspect you know it's a bad idea but are feeling overwhelmed by the pressure he's putting you under. And is that what you want your future to be like?

Nope, because among all the roses & putting pressure on you / saying he loves you he has told you:

• you can't trust him to be honest (he lied about the new girlfriend)
• he thinks he owns you even when you are not together (it's not ok for you to date 7 months after you'd split up)
• he has wildly double standards (it's okay for him to see someone else as long as he tells you it's meaningless)
• he has no intention of changing or addressing anything that led you to split up in the first place (you have to forget the past)
• he doesn't care what you think, feel or need (his desire to tell you he loved you / have sex with you was more important than your need for emotional space & time to process)

I have a feeling the unhealthiness that led you to dump him in the first place may also have been linked to some of these characteristics?

You won't get happiness with a man who threatens you with unhappiness unless he gets what he wants. It doesn't matter if he loves you or not - if this is the best he can do at expressing it he's very bad news.

Stop seeing / contacting him & make sure you're safe. If you are still in counselling, show your therapist your OP. If not, do consider getting more. It sounds to me like you could do with a sympathetic but uninvolved perspective & to find healthy ways to grow your sense of who you are and the validity of looking after yourself.

He sounds like the source of all the drama & non of the happiness.

How old are you both ?

Late teens ?

Early twenties at the most ?

This all sounds like far too much drama on both your parts

The pair of you need to grow the fuck up

He's going to New York alone? In that case he'll be able to transfer his current former gf's ticket into your name or buy another so that you can accompany him - that would be a far more romantic gesture than leaving a rose on your car and show that his deeds match his cheap words.

FGS stop having sex with this lying toad and stop hyping a relationship that had clearly run it's course into epic proportions as it's no more than a B movie and not worthy of a big screen production.

Any fucker

You must be perfect ? what a nasty thing to say ?

Thankyou expo that was really good advice x

I just posted on your other thread where I'm glad to see it sounds like you've decided to ditch this cheating loser.

But I wanted to point out that you post so passively about his actions that stopped you from moving on.

OK, short of a harrassment order you can't stop him putting a ride on your car.

But fixing your car? You chose that. Chose to let him, chose to tell him it even needed to be fixed.

Be aware that you were choosing the drama just as much as he was providing it.

Now you can make a choice not to. Good luck!