How do I end this relationship?

[Hueandcry]

I have been in a relationship for around 8 months. None of my friends or family know as my last relationship ended in disaster so I chose not to tell anyone. This suits him too as he is very private. We have never met each other's friends or family. In fact we never go out, just spend time at each other's houses. Hence why posting here (have nc) as cannot ask anyone in rl. I don't want to hurt him as he is really lovely, kind and has been good to me but I just don't want to be in this relationship any more. It's not for me. I don't fancy him & we never do anything & I find it boring. We can never go anywhere as he has pets & can't leave them.He hasn't done anything wrong though, he's just being himself & I wouldn't want him to change to please me. Please help me with how to do this.

Couldn't you just say exactly that? Minus the bit about not fancying him and finding him boring of course...

I would contact him and say that it has been nice spending time with him, but you have found someone you are more suited to being with. Wish him all the best for the future.

In situations like this, less is more. You need to be honest about not being well suited ( but don't get drawn into a character assassination) and you need to make it permanent, so by saying you have met someone else, that knocks it on the head permanently.

It's only been 8 months. Just tell him it's over & wish him well

Don't turn it into a big deal. Just tell him as kindly as you can that you don't want to see him anymore. Make sure you are firm with him though or he might try and persuade you to carry on w

With the boring relationship.

Posted too soon.

I tried before said it wasn't working for me & he was stunned. It's so hard because he is genuinely lovely. He knows I had an awful last relationship & he just couldn't accept I didn't want to be with him. I feel trapped

Just tell him you don't feel he's the one. You don't have to explain yourself (and you can remind him of that too - you don't have to convince him it isn't working, or justify why it's over, it's just over). Then block him so you don't feel pressured back into a relationship you don't want.

I already have dc s & that's definitely not happening. I know what I need to do, thanks for the helpful suggestions

& yes I do know he deserves better

You need to just brace yourself and get it over with. No easy way to do it, but it's best to be direct and not beat about the bush. I wouldn't tell him that you've found someone else like one PP suggested - that just seems really cruel to me and bound to cause him more hurt.

From experience, I can tell you that the longer this goes on the harder it will get. Before you know it, it's been a year, then 2 years, 5 years (I'm a total wimp...) at which point you feel like you need some huge dramatic reason to end it. You don't. It's OK to be honest with somebody and just tell them that you're not happy and you don't think it's going anywhere.

Basically, time for some tough love - you just need to put on your big girl pants and get it done. Like ripping off a plaster. Good luck!

It's not a case of he deserves better or you deserve better.

It's about honesty, but tempered with kindness.

Tell him you've definitely decided it's not the relationship for you, that you don't feel you need to discuss it further, but you wish him well because you know he's a lovely man. Just not the man for you.

And that's all you have to tell him.

I've been in your position OP. He was lovely but not for me.
I realised I was spending less and less time with him so I asked him if our relationship was going to work out. He replied that " never in a month of Sunday's".
No hard feelings on either part.
If he isn't getting the message I wouldn't invent a new love interest; just make excuses not to see him and be honest that you don't think you are well suited as a couple as you need to spend time away from home.

This last weekend I lied & said the dc s were with me so I couldn't see him. They were with exh all weekend. I hate lying

Well then, use that as your trigger. "X, I actually didn't have the kids this weekend, I just felt I needed some time on my own without then or you to think about things, because I've been feeling for a little while that I don't feel a future with you. I've had a lovely time with you, you're a great person - but whatever it is that creates a lasting spark, I'm not feeling that. Thanks for a lovely few months, and good luck for the future".

Or more succinctly as my last ex put it in a text after 15 months: "I'm not feeling it for Valentine's - could you handle just being friends?" (I could, and we are)