Splitting money when going out

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

Been with dp 4 years, we don't live together. I earn less than the average wage while he has quite a comfortable salary. I have a teen at college and another one a student nurse, so I keep all three of us. I'm lucky that I have smallish mortgage.

He has a teen at home and his outgoings are similar (if not less) than mine. I obviously have to watch my money, he doesn't. He likes to eat out/go to pubs etc, not fancy but still costs money, which is great but I can't sustain this as much as he likes to do it.

Question is, how do you work out who pays what/picks up the bill etc? I've been muddling through, he pays/I pay. This is becoming quite expensive for me on my salary. Do you discuss and agree before going out if you can afford it, split it, or he pays/she pays? I hate discussing money, I'd like to know how others manage.

Can't you just say that you need to cut back with eating out as it's too expensive for you.

One alternative is to cook at home for each other.

Or just have coffee out instead. Eat beforehand so you're not hungry

DP used to ask if I fancied doing something like eating out and I'd respond that I'd love to but money is a bit tight this week/month (I had a toddler and worked pt he had no dependents and worked ft) he would usually then say that he'd treat me as he wouldn't want do these things on his own.

spandex I think it will come to that. anovel dp says stuff like that too.

Thing is, he works from home, and is gagging to go out whenever he can. I on the other hand, work full time 'socialising' at work, so quite happy to stay home.

Don't get me wrong, I love going out, but it's getting expensive. I think it will have to be discussed and agreed beforehand in future.

This is a boyfriend of four years and you can't talk to him about this stuff yet?

You just say, "look love, you've more cash than me, I can't afford to do this more than x times a month until the kids are no longer dependent".

He may offer to pay. In a boyfriend of four years standing, I think it's fine to accept - then you just take him out once a month or whatever you've said you can afford.

I earn a lot more than my boyfriend of a lot less time, and I either just say in advance "on me" (if it's expensive tickets) or if I suggest going out and money is tight for him, he either says "too much - let's do x instead" or I say "I'll pay".

There's just no point being awkward about something as simple, factual and fundamental as money. Especially when you've been with him so long!

We both rather like a free night in

I know it's not very British but I think in a relationship (especially one you've been in for 4 years) you have to be open about money because otherwise he won't realise you can't afford to eat out as much and will just think it's a nice thing for you both to do...

cab and ice..you're right, I should talk to him, I guess I just always avoid things that are uncomfortable discussing. For instance, it is my birthday on Thursday. He took me out Saturday night to the theatre (for my birthday) I actually paid for our dinner pre theatre, as he had paid for drinks when went out the previous evening. I also paid for Sunday lunch. We are going out as a family on the actual evening of my birthday, I really can't afford to pay for everyone, would it be insulting to ask him to pay for him and his daughter while I pay mine?

I find this all so uncomfortable...even though I have been with him 4 years

Without questioning your relationship, four years in my eyes is fairly well established, for a relationship. If you can do all the other bits that come within a relationship, you should by now be able to talk money. Don't let it get you down & just be honest

Before DH and I lived together, he was earning 5x my income and didn't have his own dc so he always got the bill when we went out for dinner etc. I would reciprocate by buying drinks or organising free dates (like galleries/museums/outdoor events), so that was affordable for me, but took time to sort out which he didn't have.

We never really discussed it formally tbh, but he was sensitive enough to realise that I wouldn't be on a huge income and that I'd have high outgoings as a single parent, and he liked being able to treat me. I think you have just got into a routine of splitting the bill and perhaps he doesn't realise the impact on your outgoings.

Has something changed recently in how much one of you prioritises going out, or earnings?
It's a bit strange it's taken four years for you to reach the point where you can't do it!

It might be worth thinking more deeply about why you've ended up paying more than you can afford. It does seem like you paid a lot around the birthday so far, with the Sunday lunch too. Is it because he paid for the theatre tickets? If so, then it's all tit for tat equalling - why (if that's the case) do you not feel comfortable with just bring treated?
Why do you feel that you have to pay for your birthday dinner? Not unusual for the birthday person not to pay.

I'm better now, but honestly some years ago I used to pay for friends a lot, because deep down I used to think they might not come if I didn't. Ditto, I used to always be try one to travel - I told a friend this once and she was horrified that I didn't think I meant enough to her for her to drive over!

What do you actually think will happen if you say to him "I'm out of money, I'm going to cancel my birthday meal, we've done theatre and Sunday lunch anyway"?

cab my partners DD is getting older and so he has more time, as I explained he works from home and is desperate to do 'stuff'.

Yes I do feel awkward being 'treated' I always feel I have to reciprocate in some way. I've never been 'spoiled' by a man..mostly crumbs..and yes like you, I've 'bought' friends by paying for stuff. I also have stopped this.

I have spoken about money in the past, he thinks I'm obsessed by money because I'm always looking for a bargain! What he doesn't get is that I've brought 2 kids up on my own with no financial help from their dad, I've HAD to look for bargains!

My OP was just to see how other people work out these situations..I'm grateful for all replies

You'd think after 4 years together the penny would drop and he would realise that you struggle, my partner earns more than me and because of that he pays for most outings etc, I think your dp is being selfish, I assume by what you have wrote that he has a good idea what you are earning and vice versa, it's common sense and human kindness to realise this, I'd stop trying to equal him as you are not equal in pay, time to tell him and hopefully that will get him to realise that he can't be expecting you to match his lifestyle.